My Shout Into the Void

~20~ She/Her~ Made this to dump my thoughts and feel like I'm doing something besides screaming them in my head

[sweetiepea-blog2]

Internalized Homophobia Sucks!!!!

I’ve been obsessed with gay media for live everrrrrr. Like I’ve strictly read LGBTQ+ media since middle school, I’ve never enjoyed a romcom unless it was LGBTQ+ centered, etc... but I didn’t think anything of it. 

When my Aunt’s  boyfriend told me that all gay people go to hell when I was 12 and I felt my stomach drop to the fucking floor I still didn’t guess. 

When I got super obsessed with the only girl that was out at my school and pictured her asking me out I still didn’t guess. 

When I watched Orange is the New Black and became obsessed with all the characters and spent hours reading fanfic and picturing myself in scenarios with them I still didn’t guess.

Why? Because I felt like it was all a phase like everyone always says, because I had grown up around a very religious family, because....it’s okay for people to be gay or trans or whatever they identify as....but it wasn’t okay for me. And no one out right told me this that it was not okay for me to be gay... I just felt it. 

It took me having a fat ass crush on a Denny’s waitress to realize and finally accept. 20 long ass years to teach myself that I can like whoever tf I want and it’s okay. Because even though I wasn’t facing any demons on the outside no voices yelling at me to be straight I was whispering it to myself all the time. 

So. This is just a long ass note to Dan Howell to thank him for introducing me to the concept of internalized homophobia and helping me face that shit so I can do my best to live how I want and be with whoever the fuck I want

[sweetiepea-blog2]

Sometimes I’m like how did I not ever realize I was gay like I was obsessed with Mulan. 

Like I had a fat ass crush on Lee Shang

BUTTTT 

I recently fucking realized that I was a 110% obsessed with Mulan portraying Ping and it was wayyy more than me just thinking she was bad ass (Mulan as she is can get it too tho lol)

And I wanted “Ping” and Shang to be together so very badly