“I’m afraid you’ll end up seeing me the way I see myself.” -- Mi sun x Jaesang | @myeuphcria
This entire night felt surreal.
For a while, Mi sun had been grappling with changing feelings for her best friend. She had told herself that maybe it wasn’t Jaesang specifically that she had feelings for; maybe she was just finally ready to date and her heart simply latched onto the most important man in her life. At least, that’s what she told herself in an attempt to deflect. But she tried the dating thing in an attempt to get those feelings sorted. (Obviously that had wildly backfired).
Months followed of her feeling awkward about the entire ordeal. Not just because her date had gone so poorly, but because he had to be the one to save her from such a horrendous result. He, who she had been trying to convince herself her feelings weren’t actually for. The universe really was cruel, wasn’t it?
Dealing with everything after that had been a less than fun, if Mi sun was brutally honest.
There had been more denial at first, of course. Jaesang was a staple in her life; always had been. The idea of him being anything else was admittedly a bit terrifying. She didn’t want anything to change, didn’t want to introduce the possibility of losing him.
Besides, she didn’t understand why anything had changed at all. They were no different in their relationship; no big event had made her heart have some big realization. maybe she was finally realizing just how much he meant to her? Nothing more?
The issue had become stagnate — she hadn’t really processed it, hadn’t acknowledged it truly, or even come close to accepting it as fact. It was just sort of … there. Like a question she would neither ask nor answer. By the time they left for Italy, it was hidden so far in the back of her mind that she forgot it was even there, hardly ever thinking about it. The way you hardly thought about walking or breathing.
Instead there was the ache in her chest when women would flirt with him right in front of her — an unpleasant reminder of the knowledge that, unlike her, he had been with other people before her and hadn’t so much as thought about her. Or the need to escape when the environment because borderline romantic while they were here.
But all these subtle jabs at her denial were nothing in comparison to what she felt upon seeing the song Jaesang was writing — which was entirely an accident by the way. It was like ice cold realization and utter heart break all in the same moment. There it was: She finally realized that she was in love with her best friend. Who was writing a love song … about someone else.
Great. Absolutely fantastic.
Considering her shattered heart, the revelation that followed was overwhelming. And extremely hard to wrap her head around. But his lips were so convincing the longer they stayed on hers.
For a moment, it seemed easy that everything about their friendship had just been turned upside down. Or that, in reality, he could do a million times better than her. Or even that he would inevitably be disappointed if they continued down this path…
Which was exactly what had Mi sun moving her hands to his chest and pushing him back gently. She shakes her head immediately, gaze dropping to avoid his eyes. “No, we can’t,” she whispers, her voice shaking slightly. “If we do, you—“ The words were caught in her throat for a moment, of all the people she kept her insecurities from, he was always that one she tried her hardest to hide them from.
“I’m afraid you’ll end up seeing me the way I see myself,” she finally continues. “And then everything would be ruined, there’d be no coming back from that.” Mi sun ignores the tear that rolls down her cheek, still avoiding looking at Jaesang as she pulls back further. “I wouldn’t be able to live with you hating me,” she adds, quieter now, “and I can’t risk losing you.” The mere idea of it makes her heart ache painfully in her chest.
“I can’t risk losing you. I’m sorry, we just can’t,” she mutters, finally making a break toward the door to escape his hotel room.