my name is millie, i’m 19 and i live in the uk. i’ve been a fan of yours for 10 years now, so i decided to write a long-winded, slightly cringy, and (very) personal year-by-year recap to sum up what you’ve done for me in that time. i’ve assigned a song of yours to each year, one that i either feel sums up the way i was feeling or one that was particularly significant to me at that point in my life. i hope you like it.
iam 9 years old, and i am sitting on the sofa at home watching disney channel. during the ad breaks, a whole bunch of new music videos premiere - and one of them is about to change my life forever. a song called love story, by the country-pop breakthrough artist taylor swift - a song and name that will end up being incredibly important in the next 10 years of my life. i google the singer on what can now only be described as a brick computer, finding a gold mine in her debut album and sophomore release fearless. i don’t realise it yet, but i’ve found something special.
i am 10 years old. i’ve been obsessing over taylor swift for a year, driving everyone in my school mad with my incessant talking, trying to get everyone else to listen to her. no one else in my tiny primary school has heard of her, and i am determined to change that. i know her new album, speak now, is coming out this year, and i am SO excited. as soon as the lead single is released, i spend hours sitting in my conservatory at home, listening to it on repeat, trying to learn it as quickly as i can. she is becoming the soundtrack to my life.
i am 11 years old, and i have no idea what’s going on around me. following an argument between my brother and mum, i am told something that no 11 year old particularly understands, and i am no exception. my dad sits me down and tells me that my mum is an alcoholic - this is a word i have only ever heard in the media, and never in the comfort of my own home. it’s a word i’ve only ever heard to describe something dark and evil. fundamentally, i know what it means, but i don’t really know what it means for me. a lot of my childhood begins to make sense. i bury my head in the sand. it’s not for me to worry about. i take solace in music, both metaphorically and literally putting my earphones in and ignoring the rest of the world. i’m still annoying everyone around me, getting branded as “the taylor swift girl”. i’m proud of my label, stubbornly proud, adding all of my facebook friends to a group i call “swift society” and not letting them leave it when they ask me to remove them (whoops). my mum takes me to see taylor on her speak now world tour in manchester, which is my first ever concert. i write about it for a school project, completely starstruck by the whole experience. at this point, taylor has become so special to me. she’s getting me through my first year of high school, my first real crush, and growing up. seeing her in person means so much, and it’s the first of so many incredible experiences she will make happen for me.
i am 12 years old, counting down the days until taylor’s new album, red, comes out. things aren’t good at home, and some days i dread returning from school. i spend a lot of time online, running a fan page on facebook for taylor, watching her interviews and listening to her music, which serve as a comfort blanket in a dark and unsure time. i know that she is always going to make things feel better.
𝙨𝙤𝙤𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪’𝙡𝙡 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧.
i am 13 years old, and i sign up for twitter with the embarrassingly cutesy nickname “bunnyswift”. i’m totally unaware of how much this decision is going to impact my life. very quickly i begin to connect with other taylor fans, meeting some people i am even still in touch with to this day. on the 27th july 2013, after a tumultuous few months, my mum gets sober. life begins to look up.
a month before i turn 14 years old, i see taylor on the red tour in london. i am in the gods, right at the very back of the o2 arena, but i have an incredible time regardless. the first single from 1989 is released while i am in france on holiday, and i spend the whole rest of the time there listening to it on repeat.
i am 15 years old, counting down the days until i see taylor in manchester and london on the 1989 tour. i have a wonderful time. things are really beginning to improve for me, and my relationship with my mum goes from strength to strength. taylor continues to be my light in the darkness. it’s this year that i come to the conclusion that my favourite song she’s ever released is holy ground. the idea of looking back on something or someone you’ve lost as a positive, hoping they do the same, is something that resonates with me, and will continue to do so.
i am 16 years old, experiencing a lot of things for the first time, learning about my own strengths and weaknesses. i learn that i struggle with codependency, and badly. i finish high school with good grades, and go on to pursue a-levels at college. when the dreaded summer of 2016 happens, i defend taylor, as i always have. the fact that people are so quick to turn on someone who has made my life for the past 7 years so good, who has cultivated so many friendships and memories for me, is of course unsurprising - but it still sucks. the same people who teased me in high school for loving taylor happily tell me about how she’s been “exposed”. (jokes on them tho, hehe)
i am 17 years old and this year has been a tough one. someone incredibly important to me decides to leave my life due to my own mistakes and i have to deal with the consequences of my actions. reputation comes out just when i need it, tour dates following in suit. i have something to look forward to again.
dancing with our hands tied
i am 18 years old. i start therapy, which i’ve been needing for many years, but never had the courage to ask for help. i see so many of my friends, and taylor, on the rep tour, watching so many incredibly special people finally get their moments with her. i have 4 wonderful nights in manchester, dublin and london. we get our 15 minutes of fame when people recognise our costumes from tumblr and twitter, which is honestly really fun (people recognised us at the tube station, long before we got to the stadium, which was so cool)
@taylorswift - throughout the past 10 years, i have looked to you as a source of inspiration, hope, light and courage. you have been the reason for so many of my happiest moments, and you’ve been there for me for so many of my darkest. you’re there for me still as i struggle with my mental health. anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia have all crept up on me and chipped away at me in recent years, but even just knowing i have new music or tour to look forward to brings me more joy than i can express, and it is joy that i need in my worst moments. there’s also the friends that you have brought me, who are all so wonderful - people who always have my back. and to top it all off, my mum celebrated 6 years of sobriety in july. 💛 i couldn’t be happier to have grown up with you. lover is everything to me - it’s the biggest, warmest hug ever, and i cannot wait to see you again on tour soon (hopefully). thank you for being there for me throughout everything, taylor. i don’t know where i would be without you.
admittedly, i’m still not great at tumblr, despite having this blog for 7 years. you can find me at twitter.com/swiftsuncharted, if you’re so inclined 💛
