WANTED

they judge me before they even know me. that's why i'm better off ALONE.

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001. MARA.

———- “ here’s my wall of inspiration women, “ mara said as she felt someone appear behind her and hearing a scoff. she rolled her eyes, knowing they probably spotted a picture of herself. “  yes, i am big enough to admit that i am often inspired by myself. “

«  yer no short of self-confidence, are ye?  »  of course he scoffed. not because of the wall of inspirational women     ( he was not short of respect for any of them )     but just the cliche-ness of it all     -- --      as much as he would never admit it, shrek was making internal bets about what ‘stereotypical sitcom feminist’ quotes she’d be using.

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003. KALINI.

“Yesssss.” Kalini answered, laughing softly at the male’s irritation. She had no idea why the stranger was so ornery, that couldn’t be good for his health. Early death happens this way. Not that she would care if he croaked. More entertainment for her. “You really should relax.” The grifter suggested, eyes twinkling in mischief, waiting to hear his response. “You’re all alone. If something happens, who would help?”

true to his “cranky old man from the country side” aesthetic, shrek did not laugh nor did he make any attempt to even fake enthusiasm. he just wanted to go home with as little human interaction as possible and     --     oh, look at that, one of his favorite people in the world just happened to stop him in his tracks.     sales people.     «  i can handle mahself, thank you very much.  »  he scoffed. of course he did. he lived alone on a farm. he had to at least know how to wrestle bears and boars and werewolves and all sorts of things like that at some point, did he not?

[pedrospascaled]

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002. PETER.

“Does it look like I’m trying to sell you something?” He countered. “I don’t even have anything on me to sell.” The boy told him as he continued to approach the man. Peter couldn’t care less about the old grump. The donkey following him was what caught the red head’s attention. “What’s up with the donkey? What’s his name? Did you train him to follow you like that? Do you have more donkeys?” He asked with a grin tugging on the corners of his lips.

«  y’have the annoying, hovery presence of one.  »   he shot back, clearly not interested in the situation as he turned on his heel to walk away     --      right until the dreaded question caught his attention and he looked back at the younger boy in pure bitterness.      ( why couldn’t people just take their pics from afar and leave him alone, no, they always just had to ask something. )     «  she is a lady and no, y’can take her if ye want.  »  he shrugged, already starting to walk away from the scene but true to her own nature, the donkey would happily clop its way forward towards him. probably just following the scent of onions in his hand. nothing more.

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001. SI.

running her hand down the back of the donkey collecting a lot of attention in the middle of the town center, si turned slowly to address the man she’d not yet spoken to, however she knew who he was. there were stories about an older man and his donkey, that would be told by the drunk frat boys at the parties si would attend, mostly fiction written by teenagers and spread like wildfire. a baby eater, a murderer, and a monster among other atrocities. he could scare the average person speechless, but not the wicked twenty year old. “ sales? no… i want a photo with you and your horse. ”

no he didn’t like people touching his donkey without permission. not because donkey would bite or attack them     ( that would’ve been funny )     but because they thought they had the right to. shrek wasn’t all too big on sharing and this is exactly why he hated coming to town.  «  have ye ever actually seen a horse there, cupcake?  »  voice dripping with unamused snarky-ness, his eyes narrowed down at the girl two times shorter than he. photo? photos never brought any good. usually the neighbourhood kids took rather unflattering pictures of him, propping them up everywhere acting like warning posters. not that he particularly minded, it meant that most people stayed away but still! shrek had his dignity and he wasn’t just about to let that go.  «  no pictures good-bye.  »

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«  does it look like i want t’buy anything from ye? »  irritation prickled against his tongue with eyes squinted at whoever it was that approached him. were they trying to sell him anything in the first place? nope. was he sure that they wanted something? nope. all shrek knew was that; he hated being out of his land, he disliked other people, he disliked sales people the most. but what could you do when you were out and your stupid donkey was following you everywhere.     it wasn’t as if he wanted him to come. he just did. no matter what the old man tried to do. and that annoyed him too.  «  go carry on with yer sales somewhere else.  »  he grumbled, hand poised in a shooing gesture.

[swmpd-blog]

before you asked, let me just answer one question: yes, i willingly made a shrek blog and m’boys gonna be 58% serious. SO UNDER THE CUT IS A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MY BOY, THE ONION FARMER, JONATHAN SHREK LMAO: 

he lives on the outskirts of town, pretty much away from literally everyone else     --      he has a small house but a shit ton of land where he spends his days farming onions because theyre easy to farm and he likes the smell of raw onions for some reason 

HATES PEOPLE. he hates them. its just easier living so far away but he still has to go to town for like supplies and shit even if he really desperately does not want to. people = getting hurt and mocked.

he used to be severely bullied as a kid so not only did he bulk up and learn how to defend himself but he kinda started pushing people away- it was always just easier that way! 

has has a pet donkey. not that he really wanted one but one day when tending to his beautiful onion crop a donkey started following him around and now it won’t leave him alone. he just named it donkey because he’s very unoriginal. 

hes pretty much a hermit. 

likes kids a little better than humans because theyre kinda nice i guess but he HATES teenagers because theyre annoying af. 

a bunch of teenagers constantly harass him so he has to go out and shout at them and thats how the rumour that he eats babies started. he had to set up “beware” signs everywhere and donkey acts like a guard dog. 

he can be dad friend - depends. more like uncle friend tbh. 

is actually super nice once you get to know him and soft on the interior but it depends bc hes a grumpy old git otherwise.

[anastasiatremaine]

By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love’s first kiss, then take love’s true form.