The Something Weird Video Challenge

Openly mocking the movies distributed by Something Weird Video and other bad movies

[forthegothicheroine]

When things fell into public domain, exploitation filmmakers used to make movies called "The Amorous Adventures of Don Quixote" or "Ribald Tales of Canterbury." We used to be a society.

[forthegothicheroine]

In the 1970s they wouldn't have made Popeye the Slasher Man, they would have made The Exotic Voyages of Popeye, a film where everyone has sex through their pants and it would have been a musical with original songs and a bunch of jokes that would age kind of poorly and it would have been filmed at a state park where they definitely did not have a permit to film and it would have been of wildly inconsistent quality from one scene to another.

[forthegothicheroine]

Public domain exploitation movies- not 30 minute porn parodies, real (cheapo) movies- we would get in 2026 if this were still a real country:

The Lustful Life of Betty Boop

The Sinful Search for the Maltese Falcon

Wild Nights on the Western Front

The Bawdy Song of Bernadette

[yourbespokeartisanalapocalypse]

Tintin and Emanuelle: The New Adventures

Secrets From a Room of One's Own

Salvador Dali's Great Masturbator: A Musical featuring the sounds of Cole Porter and Fats Waller

[forthegothicheroine]

How could I have forgotten the best opportunity of all: The Loves of Miss Marple

[swvchallenge]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but they're making more Witchcraft movies.

As my first tangent away from SWV to adjacent films, who would be interested in a Witchcraft dive? I've been itching to rewatch.

Unrelated news, SWV has been putting the films in their collection clean enough onto YouTube and I am HERE FOR IT.

[swvchallenge]

The Psychedelic Priest/Electric Shades of Grey/Jesus Freak (1971/2001)

A young priest tries to relate with a group of teenagers when he catches them smoking pot. They respond by sneaking acid into his soda.

His trip causes him to question his faith, so he takes to the road. He runs into a young girl. They travel together, he listens to her story. They have a ridiculous amount of fun in the snow.

They find a pregnant woman in labor on the side of the road. They take her further to a black doctor working out of a van. The delivery happens. After listening to his story, the priest convinces the doctor to go back to the city, and he travels with them.

They stop for food, but they run into some racists (either fake cops or cops in plain clothes). They don’t even bother with a fake charge like driving while black. They shove him in the car and take off. The priest and girl catch up with them, just to find their black friend bloody and dead on the side of the road. The priest gives him last rites.

They’re back on the road. He’s usually a stand-up guy, giving people therapy and guidance like a good priest, but when she confesses her feelings for him, he goes off on her. She takes off the next morning.

He sells his car to pay for a private investigator to find her. She is eventually found in a hospital too late; she’s dead by the time he gets there.

He goes on a bender, finds some hippies with a great collection of pills, gets harassed by some squares, and then it’s just a hop skip and jump to using heroin by the railway lines. Amazing how that works.

I have a feeling this movie was supposed to set me straight about my life. But…naw, I’m gonna keep watching these DVDs.

This film shares space with The Hooked Generation. Despite the cover saying this has a triple feature, there are only two films on the disc.

[swvchallenge]

Who wants cake!??!?!?!

It's me. I want cake.

[swvchallenge]

Hello, and how are you?

Hello, old friends! Thanks for sticking around! Or, at least, thanks for not unfollowing before abandoning Tumblr.

WHAT'S NEW

Not a whole lot. I still have the same sad internet situation, although I have a slow service that is comparable to dial up. Just without the screaming robot.

BEWBS

Since it is less frustrating to post using work internet during breaks, the censorship works in my favor really. Behind the scenes, without you probably even noticing, I've been diligently editing posts in order to free them from bewb jail. So if you started following within the last 6 years, firstly bless you, but also you may want to look at the archive as there are some new-to-you entries.

THE FUTURE AND BEYOND

While I completely understand why Lisa is closing up shop, downloading on this lousy home internet isn't really conducive to great mental health, so I probably won't be able to get my fill before the doors close. That said, there are so many films out there that interest me that are weird enough to definitely qualify, I'm expanding entries to anything I find worthy.

But bear with me, I'm still figuring out how to use this site again.

[swvchallenge]

Hullo, friends!

I am still very much interested in continuing this challenge, but my life sort of took a detour after my mother passed away.  I was actually gearing up to finish a few more and get them up...

...and then Tumblr went Disney only on their content.

As you can imagine, they’re having a field day with my blog.  I’ve appealed a few where the images were actually clean, and I fully expect them to be denied.  Because that’s how these things work. “will be reviewed by actual human” - OKAY SURE UH HUH

HOWEVER

My intention is to move my content to my private site and post an update with a link whenever I have new content.  Right now, that involves remembering how to make websites (it’s been a few years) and how to access my domain (it’s been a few years), complicated by the fact that I have no real internet connection at home (ha ha ha ha ha ha wut is this life I’m living).

But my heart is still in it! AND I WILL NOT GO DOWN WITH THE SINKING SHIP THAT IS TUMBLR.

[swvchallenge]

Hey kids, I still exist, but my life has been more than interesting this year.  But that is not why I am dusting off the Tumblr.  I am writing to let you know about a little situation Something Weird Video is in.  You can read all about it in the Something Weird Video Fan Club Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/groups/32868747680/), but the skinny of it is THEY NEEDS YOUR MONEY.  Lousy credit card merchant process = fewer sales = possible demise.

AND WE CAN’T HAVE THAT.

I will cry.  Literally.  And I’ll film it and make you watch it.  “I’ll just close the window or scroll away.” Naw, brah, I’ll find ways.

GO BUY A THING OR TWO OR TEN (Facebook post includes directions on the redonkulous way they have to take monies for now.)

[swvchallenge]

The Hand of Pleasure (1971)

We are quickly submerged into the evils of an underground organization in London that abducts American agents and tortures them with blowjobs by “man-killing love robots” until they confess government secrets.  Oh the horrorz.

We meet a young man named Joe at low budget strip club, where the main stripper’s boobs are so big that you can see a visible tan line under them.  Another agent is abducted right there in between the gyrating and the boob soaping, but he slips an envelope into the Joe’s pocket on his way out.

This envelope somehow proves information about this secret clandestine group and Joe somehow knows exactly who to take it to for confirmation.  He’s encouraged to continue with his holiday, but instead of the usual haunts, he looks for a prozzie and instead finds a “post-graduate doing sex research”, which is of course when the slow music starts up.

They’ll go at it often throughout the film while Joe uncovers and stops the BJ club.  It’s mostly sex scenes interspersed with stock footage of London sights.  The most hilarious scene is when he’s fighting the “love robots” by fucking them and the other girls have to lay motionless on the bed and not laugh.

I couldn’t get a lot of screen caps because they would probably shut my Tumblr down for the content.

This film shares space with Evil Come Evil Go and Terror at Orgy Castle.

[swvchallenge]

Terror at Orgy Castle (1971)

A young couple spend their honeymoon touring Europe, and they’ve come to an old castle because apparently the Mrs. is very hot for castles.  The entire thing is done in the man’s narration, and he’s quick to lay all the blame on his new wife right from the beginning.  They meet the owner of the castle, a countess with the wardrobe you would expect from the 1970s.

So then they do it in the castle, and I’m pretty sure these two actors are actually having the sex.  But instead of concentrating on this, I’m completely distracted by the fact that her entire outfit is the print of shirt and jumper, all one piece.

She falls asleep instead of cuddling, so the guy (who has freakishly hairy arms for someone with no other hair on his torso) tries to read a book to shake off the feeling that they’re being watched.  When that doesn’t work, he takes a walk around the castle.  He accidentally finds the countess engaging in a strange ritual with two other women, all naked.  The ritual involves the countess turning herself into a man so that she might enjoy her friends, which of course then they do.

He gets caught, so he takes off back to his room.  He tries to go to bed, but the two women come to find him, walking through the wall, and do things to him with his wife sleeping next to them.  Bonus points to the wife for not laughing during production.

I could go into detail about the satanic costume party later, but this film was really hard to keep my attention on.  The storyline was so obviously a ploy in order to get from one sex scene to the other.

Having fun with the new relaxed censorship laws, there is all sorts of bush and full frontal nudity.  The sex scenes go on foreeeeeeever.  On top of that, our actors are actually having the sex at several points.  Based on some of the truly ridiculous faces that our male protagonist makes, I’m fairly certain that he was actually having an orgasm.

This film shares space with Evil Come Evil Go and Terror at Orgy Castle.

[swvchallenge]

Evil Come Evil Go (1972)

We meet a young woman named Sarah, who travels from place to place for two purposes: preach the word and violently murder fornicators.  Her first victim of the film is a man with terrible fashion sense, so no one will miss him.  She hums hymns while he plies his trade so to speak, only to stab him with her knife.

After preaching the word on a street corner in LA with an accordion for a whopping five minutes, a woman gives her $10 for the cause ($59 in 2017 money) and Sarah calls it a day.  She tries to score a free meal but fails and is forced to break her $10.

Oh but hey that woman from before walks by!  Her name is Penny, and she’s more than happy to help Sarah fix her car and give her a place to stay.  Their interaction in Penny’s home is awkward at best, ending with an impromptu ritual of Penny swearing allegiance to Sarah and Sarah tying her to the bed while singing hymns.  This bondage goes on for so long, the cat gets in the way.

But Penny is in, and she’s more than willing to give up lesbianism and her family’s money for the cause.  (I’m still left wondering how she still has access to their money when they’ve supposedly cast her out.)  They troll the neighbourhood and the neighbours to swear off sin and pursue Jeebus.  Then it’s a short jump to using Penny as bait to kill male fornicators.

I’ve rewatched the ending twice; I’m still not entirely sure what happened.

This is an early predecessor to pornography, when new relaxed censorship laws were so new that no one knew what to do.  You can tell someone was very excited about vaginas on film that there are some hysterical [pun intended] moments when the camera suddenly zooms in on the vajayjay, so quickly that the camera can’t focus.

This film shares space with Terror at Orgy Castle and The Hand of Pleasure.  Extras of “wild madness that will make your innards sizzle” are:

- trailers for Evil Come Evil Go and Terror at Orgy Castle - trailers for three more Manuel S. Conde films - Ghastly Gallery of Ghoulish Comic Cover Art with Music by the Dead Elvi!

[swvchallenge]

[swvchallenge]

Hollywood After Dark/Walk the Angry Beach/The Unholy Choice (1968)

Two men are walking through a junkyard.  The manager/owner approaches them, the leader makes a few snide remarks, and then the leader somehow angers the manager while trying to talk him into committing crime. I still have no idea what happened.

We’re magically transported to a burlesque hall where the acts are more modern than traditional. My favourite one was the one using feathers for pasties.  The manager sends for one to tell her she’s wearing too many clothes and acting too high class.  She goes to the office to confront him, and the man there makes her cry.  Then he tells her he’s not the manager, and gee he’s sorry but will she go out with him.  She says yes because it’s the 1960s.  By the way, our female protagonist is played by Rue McClanahan of Golden Girls fame.

So their date is at the beach where they talk for an hour, take a dip in the ocean, tease each other. He chases her into a little makeshift tent that I guess she brought for the sole purpose of changing.  He playfully mauls her and destroys her tent. She jokes about how she could be arrested because she’s naked.  Then he leaves her alone so she can change into a different swimsuit.

Then she’s off to her reading for a television show.  She goes to some guy’s apartment, and while they’re waiting for the other actor to come for the reading, he plies her with alcohol.  When she’s fabulously drunk, he goes all college swimmer and has his way with her.  PS it was never really a script reading.  What’s really great about this scene is how their suspense music is only about fifteen seconds long, so they just play it over and over again with pauses in between.

We finally return to the crime, and I guess they talked the guy into helping because there are three of them robbing an armored car in a very complex way.  It involves scuba diving and climbing up a bridge in cliché robber clothes and I don’t know what’s happening where did the naked ladies go.

So I guess one of the guys is Blanche’s boyfriend because he shows up at her place with the money he just helped steal.  He’s all let’s runaway together...and she turns him down.  Because I guess she’d rather be a stripper?

And then there’s a big fight between the guys and the boyfriend gets stabbed and dies in Blanche’s arms while the other two accidentally drive off a steep freeway slope with all their money and I guess they die.

Oh, this VHS had stuff after!  I think it might be the old SWV intro, whereas the beginning of this tape had the current intro we all know and love.  And then there’s an even older one!  The girls with the money g-strings dancing behind the logo and then clips. Not for anyone with epilepsy. Then a really old ad for David F. Friedman’s Roadside Rarities with the SWV intro music that promises “brand name tapes recorded in SP.”  So raw, so old school.

[swvchallenge]

Color Me Blood Red (1965)

I just had a local store open up that rents out obscure movies.  I shall plow through all their SWV selections anon!

This one must be a super early DVD release from SWV.  There’s no intro, and the menu is low budget with no music.  This is a Friedman/Lewis venture though, so you know you already have gold in your hands.

The film opens with an art dealer taking a canvas outside and lighting it on fire.  Performance art?

We meet our protagonist, a moody young artist whose work is being shown by a local dealer who couldn’t be more unhappy about it.  We’ll skip over how the dealer wanted a canvas shown in a different direction than the artist wanted it.

He lives with his fiancée and two very inefficient water bicycles.  The art dealer will randomly stop by to pick up more finished work, and the artist will be very unhappy about this, especially when the dealer comments that his red paintings sell better.

Through a small incident involving his fiancée and a rogue nail, the artist discovers that blood makes the best paint.  He goes all Red Violin on a canvas, but instead of the calm and methodical actions of the grieving husband violin maker, he just frantically smears that shit on.

His fiancée nags “If we ever get married” one too many times, and he stabs her in the face. Instead of draining her into a jar or something, he hoists her up and smears her head over the canvas.  She’ll be hastily buried in the white Florida sand once she’s of no use to him anymore.

He takes his revolutionary painting to the “gallery” (which is an assembly hall complete with stage but no seats; one of those spaces you expect the local women’s auxiliary to use) for the viewing pleasure of the dealer, the local critic, and a rich collector. He lets them squabble over price before informing them that the painting isn’t for sale.  It appears to be very special to him, though he doesn’t explain why.

He promises them another painting, achieved by carving up a young couple that made the mistake of trying to take his inefficient water bicycles, but he refuses to sell this one as well.  The “paint” isn’t even dry on it when he shows it, but lack of varnish is they only concern.  His first painting was actually pretty cool, but this second one looked like a cheap horror film.

Now, throughout this movie, we’re going to occasionally see a group of four teenagers.  Two of them are a couple that frequently dress in matching outfits, including wigs, and we’ll never understand a word they say.  The girl of the other couple is the daughter of the collector.  They all decide to go to the beach, and they choose the area of the painter’s house. So many people show up here that it’s like he’s never alienated the locals with his behaviour.  But then choosing a different beach wouldn’t result in our crazy conclusion.

Extras include:

- Original Theatrical Trailer

- Audio Commentary

- Rare Outtakes (Ten minutes worth! Played with audio from other films and other moments in this film; the first one is Something Weird!)

- Gallery of Exploitation Art

[swvchallenge]

Shanty Tramp (1967)

A first for the SWV Challenge: I watched this on VHS! Yay for friends’ thrift store adventures! Leading to another SWV Challenge first: seeing the old SWV VHS intro.  Mostly different movies than the DVD intro, and I want to see them all. Still had a few under my belt already!

We’ll become well acquainted with Shanty Tramp’s wandering ass right from the beginning.  I feel like I would enjoy all these posterior shots more if I wasn’t so hung up on conventional garment design; the back seam of her dress isn’t in the middle of her back, and it’s maddening to me.

Ms. Tramp will meander into a revival meeting already in progress.  The two black people there, a mother and son, will leave because of her presence.  She hits on the reverend, and he would totally be down with it if he didn’t have shit to do.

After making a later arrangement, Ms. Tramp wanders away.  She just strolls through movie, really.  She runs into the town drunk, who just happens to be her father.  Good times.

It’s a meander to a sort of well-lit bar.  She isn’t there long before the local biker gang shows up and takes over.  Ms. Tramp happens to know the leader, and soon they’re sucking face.

Once it’s closing time, Ms. Tramp gets the key to the store room, which happens to have an old mattress. So romantic, so classy.  She runs into some trouble because he promised money but doesn’t want to pay.  Her knight in shining armor comes to save her: the black guy from before, who has a bit of a crush on her.

When the biker gang leader comes to, he is pissed and he wants revenge.  He calls his posse, and they go to the black guy’s house only to somehow accidentally kill his mother.

Shanty offers the black guy a reward.  He says no, but he still follows her home.  Theirs is a complicated relationship, but they still do the deed.  Just as they’re finished, her father shows up. He’s off to get his fellow members of the Good Ole Boy network while Shanty (can I call you Shanty?) tells the black guy how to escape before he’s lynched.

There’s a glimmer of evil in her eye though.  While her father is out getting all of the revival group to search for a black guy, she readies herself to convince everyone that she was raped.  Then there’s a bootleg liquor deal gone wrong and a car fire and a terrific stabbing scene.  Man, this movie is convoluted.  But dig that bongo music.

It feels a lot older than 1967.  Dig that poor video quality.

Aw, the VHS tapes don’t have extras. Quelle triste.

[swvchallenge]

The Monster of Camp Sunshine or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Nature (1964)

Huzzah for seeing another piece of the disc intro!

The opening credits are a little...experimental?  I’m not even entirely sure what happened or what it’s supposed to symbolize.  Those crazy 1960s.

Two young women wake up in their bunk bed closet, and after an elaborate system of conveying their first cigarette, they begin their day.  There’s ominous music playing, but it isn’t the movie; the one listens to it recreationally.

One goes to work as a nurse, and the other is “attacked” by her cat after roughing it up a bit.  The nurse works in a lab full of rats.  The cat lover is a model, and she will eventually tell us now becoming a nudist helped her shed her inhibitions about being nude shoots.

An accident happens at the lab leads a batch of rats to escape their pen and attack the nurse.  She somehow thinks the best escape is to dangle outside the window.  She’s saved by a doctor just in time, and he promises to destroy the chemical that caused this.  And by destroying it he means walk to a bridge and throw the jar into the water.

To recover from her attack, and to help one of the model’s coworkers with her own nude issues, they go on a vacation to Camp Sunshine.  One of their friends runs the place, and her half-brother Hugo is the slow guy that does the gardening.

In a very zany yet boring sequence, a fisherman pulls all sorts of things out of the river, none of them fish.  Of course this includes our very sanitary jar of hospital chemicals of doom.  He doesn’t drink it though.  No, he drives into the country to fish off a bridge at a bubbling brook and it accidentally falls into the stream, contaminating it. At which point Hugo drinks water from the stream and goes crazy.  Because reasons.

The gang goes out to the camp because they don’t hear anything from the friend.  They have no idea that she’s shut down the camp and chained up Hugo in the shed.  This has the inevitable conclusion, but the way it plays out it crazysauce.

This film shares space with The Beast That Killed Women.

[swvchallenge]

The Beast That Killed Women (1965)

Now there’s a title that hides nothing from you.

A man is in the hospital, asked to tell his tale to a police officer, leading most of this film into a flashback.

After giving the officer entirely too much information about how he and his wife are nudists, he explains how he and his wife decided to go to the camp so she could get an even tan. I would be more concerned with how her shorts suddenly changed from blue to green and white polka dots, but whatever.

At the camp, it is custom to walk toward the lake with a towel draped over you and no towel at all on your way back.  We actually have a large number of characters, which you don’t really need to keep track of.  There are two women who are new to the camp, and I have to consult the internets, but I’m sure I’ve seen these two in many Doris Wishman and Findlay pictures.  Hot damn, I think that’s Gigi Darlene as well.

That night at the camp, they’re all around the fire watching a woman dance suspiciously like a belly dancer and clapping out of rhythm like white people.  They put the fire out and turn in...AND THAT’S WHEN THE GUY IN THE GORILLA COSTUME ATTACKS.

The body is found the next morning, criminally clothed.  The gurney to take it away goes right across the volleyball court, which constantly has a game going as all nudist camps do.  We are shown with excruciating detail every moment of this process, including all the topless women talking about it and telling each other about it.

One thing about this film is the abysmal audio, not only from degrading film but also poor planning, but then no one really came to see this picture to hear them talk.  The awkward blocking is just an extra.

The campers say they’re worried and nervous, but the volleyball continues and they even have a topless hoedown that evening.  AND THEN THE GORILLA THROWS SOMEONE INTO THE POOL.

After an excruciating scene where they try to describe the “beast,” most of the campers decide to leave. The police decide to trap the attacker by bringing in a lure, a pretty blonde.  It goes as swimmingly as you would expect.

I know, I know, no good screen caps.  The stiff dialogue was more hilarious than the visual.

This film shares space with The Monster of Camp Sunshine.  Extras include:

- One fun thing about this disc is that if you select “Let’s Go to the Drive-in!” on the main menu, it will play everything on the disc: the movies, the trailers, the extras, and some drive-in ads mixed in.  It ends with a drive-in announcement reminding everyone to replace the speaker on the podium. Perfection.

- Trailers for this film and some like features

- “Bring ‘Em Back Nude” – Very old short about a woman crashing someone’s place to strip down to a transparent yet polka dot robe. While there, she’ll read the actual resident’s diary about a trip to Africa, which we are magically taken to and see some topless natives worshipping two naked white women.

- “The Expose of the Nudist Racket” – 1938 “informative” short about the trend of nudist camps.  I think it might be footage of actual nudist camps because it includes children.  But then one woman eating spends way too much time trying to keep a napkin on her chest, as if she somehow has clothes to protect from staining. However, the narrator needs to be shot for all the comments about the overweight woman.

- “Nude Ranch” – Another short, this time featuring women wearing some semblance of Western clothing while playing backgammon, with a few other activities.

- “Beauty and the Beast” – Burlesque act featuring someone in a gorilla costume “attacking” the performer.

- “Back to Nature” – Colour short about nudist camp life.  Again, I think this is a real camp.  Not only are there the presence of children, at one point they’re all sitting to a table eating.  It’s like a company picnic but naked.

- “Nudist Fashion Show” – Full colour with big hair women modeling fur coats and nothing else.  I question the presence of the random police officer standing there.

- Gallery of Drive-In Exploitation Art with Trash-O-Rama Radio-Spot Rarities

[swvchallenge]

Monique, My Love (1969)

Yeah, that’s not Monique.

Traditionally, when SWV discs have multiple movies on one disc, one watches them in order.  If you do this with this disc, if you really liked the soundtrack for the first movie, you’ll love Monique, My Love.  Exact same soundtrack with dirty narrator.  Exact same cast.

Our film begins with a girl writhing around in bed while rubbing herself all over, because why not. This is Monique, and our narrator is her roommate.  Monique is trying to get into film, and our protagonist is writing a book about her.

First, Monique visits a potential new agent while walking her dog, as one does.  Not that the dog is still there once she starts taking off her clothes, mind you.

Her next step to stardom is a risqué photoshoot, where she wears a string of beads that we all wish we could be.

Of course, then she must be shown a film of what she might be doing with her career.  This one features a girl posing uncomfortably on a cabinet while wearing nothing but a string of really long fringe trim. Eventually she will change to slacks and a bullet belt.  And then suddenly she’s in the shower with some guy.  Given how lumpy he is, I’m assuming he’s the director, producer, or family thereof.

Don’t wander away, because right after Beauty and the Beast we get a girl having a lot of fun dancing while practically naked.  Bonus points for not getting the camera and/or crew in the mirror.

This is when we find out that the protagonist watches a film with Monique and they both get hot watching the stag film, despite the general public saying women wouldn’t.  They (and we) watch a film of the dancing girl having a quiet afternoon with herself on a bed, revealing to the careful consumer that this is the first time she’s performing masturbation.

Monique gets her break, and her first scene in front of the camera is some guy chloroforming her, tying her up, and being all pervy.  Points deducted for moving while being “unconscious.”

For some reason, this film leave the camera on a book the protagonist is reading, Charles Percy of Illinois by David Murray.

Film slides right into the protagonist and Monique enjoying each other after staring at each other for a really long time.

Based on some of the take cards left on the reel, I’m going to assume that some scenes for this were taken from another project.  It would be cool if they were just done out of a sense of authenticity, but I don’t think anyone involved had that kind of attention to detail.

This film shares space with Babette.