Sydye

Native American.

[sydkoba]

Hello I’m back lol

Currently listening to Lana Del Rey. All these memories popped up and I’m happy that I am no longer in a relationship or contact with any of my exes. I think to myself like imagine having a kid with one of them like fuck, thank god I didn’t. Sometimes I’d get sad cause I don’t have another parent to help me but seeing people going thru co-parenting is a blessing I don’t have it. Anyways I have an interview and I’m nervous but I’m ready get back to it. I finally got a vehicle that I only pay $800 with 147,000 miles on it. It’s a cute little boat lol shikoba gets so excited and says “mom I wanna go in my car, not GMA car” I’m glad he’s happy and healthy. I didn’t get no help from that deadbeat but I’m grateful he gave me the greatest little gift. Shikoba has a kind soul and is always happy(hungry too)

[sydkoba]

strike// how many?

I've been listening to my gut lately (big girl)

anyways I had a man who fell in love with me after meeting him once and one two months of talking? I told him no and he left.

Talked to this old fling from HS and I will always be right about him because why? You really going to throw ten years out the window but wanna fuck every girl you wanted to while yall were together all those years? Yeah fucking stupid. Goodbye lol Keep him. I don't want to ever speak nor see him again. f

I had another man who was the nicest, handsome and understanding man but something was off and I didn't give the cookie up... He was lowkey racist or something. I told him one of my exes was a black man. He kept bringing him up and saying "you like black dick" and it was very off. I had to let him go cause shit was annoying lol guess once you go black, really, you will never go back lol

I had emotionally relationship with a 50 year old? I think? Never did anything but man, what a man. To bad he was married and "he has a 5 year plan!... WHAT DON'T DIE??? GROSS"

Been celibrate for about 6 months and the last one was horrible. Will never hit him up again for it again. I was ovulating okay?? Plus he has a good size but doesn't know how to use it or just had his ex in his mind while he was in bed with me. "youre so comfortable" Okay sir, get out of my house. I see you with the miss calls at 2 am....

Okay goodnight :)

[sydkoba]

Addict.

I have my friend. Addiction is getting him. I'm sad I can't help him.

I'm sad he's going to leave this earth miserable.

I'm sad he doesn't want to help himself.

I'm sad that hes so stubborn that he would rather die than to deal with life.

I'm sad I can't see him because I don't know what hes capable of and what he would do? I don't wanna have sex with him but I know thats what he would think on why i'm there.

I'm sad he has no one to talk too because I can't always be there due to my son, mental health and I can't deal with it.

I love this dude as a friend. My best friend. I wish we could just be friends and we're both happy for eachother and support each other. I want to see him happy without any substance.

I hope he gets sober and changes his life around.

One day, if he does go. I'll remember all the good times we had together as friends and bury the bad traumatic events with him.

Sometimes I think, why would he ever do that to me but I know he has a lot of trauma as a kid. He tried to open up to me about his childhood but it was always the good memories, never the traumatic one and he's holding it in. I told him he needs to speak to a therapist but he said "wHy WuLd I sEe A rAnDoM pErSoN wHeN i hAvE yU" such a great complient but I am not his therapist or someone who can help him with a snap of a finger when he's so damn stubborn. Anyways goodnight.

[sydkoba]

June.

I think to myself, why do i help people? When they don't ever help me out? I found out by letting them go. They never returned the favor. I didn't do it just for a favor but I did it because I cared about them. Now since I'm no longer friends with them, I haven't heard from them at once. We outgrown people fast and it is sad on how life keeps moving on. I started to hate men and treat men like shit because well one. I had this great man who had his shit together but love bombing me, pressuring me in moving with him to denver and saying he'll always be there for me. Well first of all, I hardly know this man, second: why tf would I move in with a man when he hasnt met koba and says "well I can step up to be his dad" like no. You haven't met my son and saying that when I told you I have alot of trust issues with men. I asked him what if things don't go right and we broke up. Do i have family out there? I have no one out there, why would I move out there when i have no family out there. What was his response? " you just need me, I'll always be here for you and if we get in fight, I can get a hotel for you and your son" RED FUCKING FLAG. I got so upset with that shit. We would text everyday which was nice but pressuring me everyday to move in with you was beyond crazy. AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED? HE GOT UPSET WHEN I TOLD HIM THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU'RE GOING TO ASK ME CAUSE I'M TIRED OF GIVING HIM MY REASON.....GHOSTED ME. goodbye canada. Nice try. Little bitch boy.

I had a little situationship and all i asked was him to get tested.... ghosted me lol So i guess he's fucking every girl on the Rez or who he wanted to fuck since he broke up with his crazy ex gf of 10 years so good for you for coming in my house and getting it in so you can fuck every other girl on the Rez, raw. see ya.

I hate saying this and i can't believe this almost happened to me but I had the biggest crush on my professor. We had a cute little flirtation at school. I thought he was cool at first but starting to know him more and more every class was very.....confusing cause he gave me hints and flirted with me in class but trying to keep it on the DL. To this day, we text or he comes sees me in the library. He's 56 year old man with good taste. I know I have daddy issues but i wanna jump on this man. He texted me one day saying " you look nice today" I looked around and didn't see him. I texted back saying "wya?" he said look in the computer room. I seen him and he had the biggest smirk. I went in to see him and all we did was talk. I'd get red and always look at his lips cause they look fun to play with. We haven't done anything because he's married but it's always a good flirt.

[sydkoba]

You help me lose my mind.

It's June.

I was starting to get depressed on how my life is turning out. I've been single for five years, haven't been with anyone since Angelo. I still cry but I'm happy he's not in my life and he doesn't give me a hard time like some of these other fathers. I'm happy my son is healthy, loved and doesn't know why his mom is crying. I do not cry in front of him so i can protect him. I started to notice that he is sensitive and I feel like it's my fault because when he sees his little cousin Nashoba with her dad, I feel like he knows why he doesn't have a father. My brother is a terrific father figure to shikoba but he doesn't see him every day. I have to show Shikoba how to stand up when he goes pee and I have to show him how to put on his clothes, get things and sometimes I'm so tired or I don't feel like it. I need to get out of my funk. I always feel this way in the month of june. I look at the messsages when Angelo sent me those texts and made me feel loved. The last time I've seen angelo was the 9th of June and that's when we made shikoba. I was supposed to see him the friday but I was busy and he was busy with his friends. June is an also hard month just beause it's fathers day. I'm not close to my father and never will which sucks but i'm used to it.

My grandma thompson really hurt me and I can't believe I haven't spoke to her in one month, the longest without speaking. I love my grandma. Shes losing the battle of aging and she will never be the same. I wish I can take it away and want her to live longer. Thinking back, she was never happy for me. She treated me poorly. I didn't care how she treated me. I helped her and my grandfather over the years I've been home by buying them food, helping them around the house, made them dinner, and I even went to their appointments. I love my grandparents. I'll do anything for them. Unfortunately, we haven't spoke because she doesnt' 'wanna speak to me and it hurts. I want to know how their doing, how they are getting around and why me? Why is my grandmother treating me this way? I'm depressed because of this situation also. Life isn't fair.

[sydkoba]

Sydney.

I had a dream about you… passing away… in a car accident and it happened so fast.

I asked to myself, who would I give koba too if I ever die? It’s a hard question. As I am writing to myself, tearing up… I do not want to leave koba so soon. Why am I dreaming about this? Is this going to happened soon? Do I have to make up my mind right now?

I’m sad.

[sydkoba]

17.

When I was seventeen/eighteen. I was young. I didn’t know what to fucking do with my life. I was having a blast with my best friends. Even though at home wasn’t normal, I tried my best to live through it. I used to live with my grandparents because I didn’t like my mom’s new boyfriend and my dad was well where the fuck ever. I used to live freely. My ex used to cheat on me all the time, I used to have a massive crush on Keenan but never told him cause I liked being cheated on, talked to guys but never went through with them because I was so hung up on my ex, Tammy and I used to do a lot of stupid shit and I’ve never went home. I practically lived with her and her mom and her mom always questioned why I wasn’t home. My grandparents were alcoholics, my cousins were drug addicts and I just wasn’t happy at home. I didn’t do shit. I was so depressed and said I’ll never do drive or drink. WRONG.

I was so unhappy. I’ve became a burden to my family. I hated my life during my high school years cause everyone was so happy. Sure we won state but that was the only time my dad was there for me. I was expecting more but I was thankful. I had friends, family and random people who were some what nice and loved me. I was always unhappy & wanted to kill myself. I’m so glad I overcame it. I talked to my therapist about my high school years and all she was that she’s happy that I’m here. I was overjoyed that she said that. 14 years later, I’m still here and thankful.

[sydkoba]

2024.

I need to stop drunk call Keenan. I went out Saturday and I kept calling him thinking he would come save me but he didn’t answer lol I feel such a tease calling this guy I do not really like. I feel bad and he’s a really good guy but do I really wanna get with a Navajo? No. Idk why I’m not attracted to him. He really is a nice guy. I need to start ghosting and worry about myself instead of looking for something that is never going to happen.

Oh yeah. Cj fucking Douma came back to my life and I let him. Idk how to get rid of him. I do care but I do not love nor never see him again. I Stan to that because why would I see him when all he did was fuck me up.

My main goal now is be mean to men and be nice to women.

[urababe-blog]

Pro Tip:

Go get your nipples pierced so when are hooking up with someone you’ll get one of three reactions 1) fuck yes that’s so hot! 2) wow do they hurt can I touch them? 3) that fucking gross why would you do that? And if you ever get number three leave and thank your nipples because they just saved you from some really boring sex.

[sydkoba]

I don't have them anymore but i had two number 3's and i'm glad I've never slept or seen them again.

[sydkoba]

Last week was a damn blur. I feel so bad cause I drank about 3 days in a row well not all day but at night. The first night, I went out with my sisters. It was cute night. I asked three guys to come out and meet. One of them I haven’t spoke to in a long time… well it’s only been a year but he pissed me off. I called Keenan. My long lost friend. I missed him well not really but I just miss being cool with him. He answered”hello?”

“Hi Keenan...”

“Uh this is so random…. But what’s up?”We started to chat and I told him to come downtown for a drink… this was about 11pm lol but he said he had work the next day and I was like oh okay. And he kept saying”you finally don’t hate anymore? Random you called me… it’s not a bad thing but I’m just surprised you called me” blah blah blah. Anyways I got pretty drunk that night that I almost kissed a guy and got his number but I really had no interest, especially at Bar Smith. Anyways I guess I kept calling Keenan telling him to see me but he got mad at me for telling me he has work😹 I guess I just wanted to see him. It’s been 11 years since we talked and I’m still annoyed by him. Anyways idk why but I got buzz another night and took my anger out on him that I cussed him out or some shit. Idk my head was all over the place. I apologized to him and he was really forgiving… after 11 years, we met in person… I was nervous and buzz…. But I was happy to see him. We took a walk and it was nice. We just caught up and talked, talked and talked. He kept trying to kiss me all night and I kept teasing him but i didn't want too because idk if i was ready.. I finally let him kiss me and it was a cute make out sesh. I think Keenan may be my favorite make out buddy…. We have never went all the way which is fine cause Im not ready for Keenan tbh. I just want to stay friends and be cool. Oh… 808s & heartbreak is one of my favorite albums… when he ghosted me 11 years ago, I turned this album every night and cried myself to sleep cause we always talked about this album back in HS. Even though we were only friends, he broke my heart😹

[sydkoba]

[sydkoba]

“NAYYYY ALL WISHING”

Do I miss my old friends? I do. I miss the jokes, the support, the shit talking and mostly, never feel alone with them. After I had my son, things slowly changed. Good or bad? I have no idea. I was in my postpartum and I had no idea what to do with my life. I wanted to end my life. I was like what the fuck am I going to do? Can I be a single mom? When I’ve seen my son, all I wanted to do is keep evil EVIL people away from him. My friend Robyn was my best friend, my sister. I loved her as my own sister. We’ve been thru so much like we really grew up together even though she hated me in high school. We used to gas each other up like “dude! Go see him , just be careful! Let me know if you’re okay, dude don’t go back to him! Wehhhh! Or you hungry? Dinner on me! Or LETS GO OUT TONIGHT CAUSE YOURE SAD! Dude take a shot! I’ll drive tonight! Dude stop being rezzed out and talk to him or call me, I have some good tea!!! Dude!!!! Guess what? Chicken butt but no really? Guess what? ” we had the best times together. We even lived together and it was tough because we had cheap jobs but we had each other to support. I wish we kept our friendship but to this day, I stopped being her friend. Of course our friendship is going to change if one of us had a kid but I didn’t think it would end. One day, I went to get a pedicure and eat with her cause my mom told me I can hang out with her. We didn’t really talk, it felt awkward and it wasn’t the same. I just didn’t feel like we were. I told her how depression hit me and I have no idea how to handle it. Robyn is one of those people like “uh idk how you feel and what to say” type of person. So when I was going something so dark, she wasn’t there for me. I felt sad. I felt like I lost someone who I truly loved as a best friend. She would make up lies so she can party (she can do whatever she wants but to lie?) , we hardly texted, she didn’t tell me she moving and she didn’t invite me to her house party. I felt so lost and sad because did our friendship really end because I had a son? I wasn’t a mom? Tonight I miss the nights we used to text or gossip. I lost someone who was my best friend and now, just a stranger. When I found out she was expecting and she had her baby, I got a little gift bag and sent her a card. Did she ever text back saying thank you? No and I knew she wouldn’t either. Good or bad that we stopped being friends. I’m proud of her and I hope she’s happy because she truly deserves it.

One more joke…… you’re the one that got away. NAY ALLLLLL WISHING!!

I’m okay. Just happy my son is healthy.

[sydkoba]

Away out.

It’s October. Halloween. Our favorite holiday. I’m struggling. I need help. Confused on where to begin. Im in a weird funk. Need to get out cause I feel stuck. I’m tired. Im tired of being strong. I wanna quit. I wanna sleep. Shikoba keeps me on my toes. Do I need negative comments?

“Sydney I wasn’t like that, I did it by myself, dang koba your mom is mad again, oh koba you’re sensitive like your mom, what is sydney doing with her life? Poor kid doesn’t talk yet. Poor kid who cries after his mom all the time. Poor kid, can’t give mom a break, poor us koba doesn’t know us anymore. Why is koba sick again? Dang that kid can sleep? He probably doesn’t wanna be bored. I wonder what it’ll be like if koba has his dad. Why isn’t sydney getting child support.”

Just leave us alone. I’m trying. I’m tired of being so tired.

[sydkoba]

August 2022

I can’t believe it’s august already. Laying here and thinking about a lot of stuff. I’m going back to school to learn and have a better future for Shikoba and I. I had a dream about cj and it was weird. He just popped up and was the same. Idk if my dream was telling me like “keep doing you and don’t worry about him” it’s weird because I haven’t thought about him. I hope he’s okay but sleeping isn’t really working for me. I have a lot of anxiety just because I’m going back to school and having a kid who isn’t in daycare. My gma moved home and it’s been great cause she’s down the road from me but it’s different. She lived in CBQ for 6 years and she’s back home. I had my first panic attack in January and it was the most scariest shit I’ve experienced. My heart was racing, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I was losing my balance. It stopped cause all I did was cry and sat down. Shikoba didn’t see me because he was asleep. Just taking it day by day.

[sydkoba]

Summer 2019

I get a text from one of my old flings “hey you should come over tonight😊” I haven’t talked to Angelo in a week and I was getting frustrated with him cause he ghosted me. I haven’t talked to Tyler in awhile since my aunt walked in on us. Anyways I was like wtf, why not? So he sent me his address in phoenix. I was downtown at Hannys with one of my gfs. I told her I’m going to meet up with one of my booty calls. She’s like what happened to Angelo? I said idk? Hasn’t texted or called me so idk what’s going on 🧐😔

I got to his place & it was in the avenues. I wonder why he always came to me because holy, it took me 30 min to get back home and phewwww his roommates dogs wouldn’t shut up and almost attacked me. It was already 100 at 11 pm still cause hello, it’s phoenix. Anyways I was so ready to jump in bed and let that ac run. Boy was I fucking wrong. This dude didn’t have A/C and had one big fan and one small ass fan by him. This dude wanted to cuddle and mind you, we both were on the chub side lol omg I was turned off and just wanted to jump in my car for the Ac. I wanted to mist myself with water. He kept grabbing and started to kiss my neck. I wasn’t in the mood cause it was hot. I told him not tonight but I’ll make it up. He was okay and kept trying to hold me. I texted my sister (she works at 6am) to call me around 5:30 and tell me that she broke down and she needed help. I was scared af cause my phone was at 10% but My sister came in clutch cause omg he kept trying all night. I got the call and told him I gotta go. He’s like aww you going to come back tonight? I said well see. He’s like let me know cause I miss you :)

The last time I’ve talked or seen him was that night.

Two weeks ago, I’ve seen him at one of my old bars I used to go too and it was the most awkward situation I’ve been in a looooong time. We didn’t talk or even look at eachother but I gotta tell you, he loooks goooood. But he had a ashy dick.

Hello Tempe, mama back.

[sydkoba]

Lately I’ve been confused. I’m trying to get my life back together by finally reaching out to my friends, go out (yes koba has a babysitter) and just being social again. The only person I talk to is my son, gma perkins and my grandparents. I don’t really have friends here and I don’t wanna go hang in Gallup. It’s so…. I don’t know, I can’t see myself here anymore. I’m trying to move back to phoenix, work, school and figure out koba daycare situation. I had about 4 guys asked me out to hang and get drinks which I want too but do I? I want to hang with my friend Keenan but just not ready to be close friends again. We were really close in high school which is random. I forgot how we started talking. I think he added me on MySpace (I was on his top 5☺️) jk but he was a really cool friend. After we graduated, we hung out a couple times and he was a fun guy to hang with. One night, we hung out in phoenix, played basketball and even talked for a long time. He dropped me off at home and after that, he disappeared from my life. 9 years later, he came back and I let him easily. I mean I just wanted a friendship from him but it just seems like there’s some unsolved issues there between us. I mean he really hurt me even though we were just friends. Do I wanna go thru that again? How many times have I’ve gone thru that with guys who I’m not even dating. It’s so fucking stupid. Sometimes I just wanna cut guys dicks because they don’t have a heart. This other guy is ugh, annoying. Small pp boy keeps trying to make me go to his house which is nooo, I saw your penis, what will that do beside make me laugh and leave. I just wanna be cool with him but he pushes it too hard and fast. “H3h3 yUr DiFfErEnt SHYd pLuS yUr a MyStErY” like shut up dude. You’re annoying. The other two guys are…. Eh.

Even though, they ain’t going near my son or I’ll probably just block them all and start all over. We’ll see 🥴

[sydkoba]

Happy birthday to my angel, the one who changed my world. I appreciate you son. You are the greatest blessing 🤍✨