Being in tune with your intuition means seeing things and understanding what they mean.
There were bugs crawling around. First an innocent little black dot. I didn’t mind it.
It was in the bathroom that I looked down and saw disgusting little roaches.
Never has this ever happened before during all of the countless nights I’ve spent there.
The signs were preparing me to want to go home. To want to leave. And so I did with no regrets, only relief.
The day after that, he told me not to contact him anymore. Or at least for a little while.
“Take all the time you need”, I said. Because in these last months, my love for you has vanished into thin air. I had already taken my distance. I was no longer with you.
My silence does not mean that I don’t see what you are doing. What you are thinking.
Treat me like a person that is unworthy of love and respect, and I’ll start acting like a person unworthy of your pathetic love and “respect.”
I’ve been patient for a very long time. You asked me to give you time. I gave you time. You asked me to give you time, again. I gave you time, again. Repeatedly.
My patience has ran out. I have been teaching you how to treat a woman with the bare minimum. If the bare minimum takes you 7 months to grasp, I’m sorry to tell you that I will not be your life coach.
I can only have so much patience.
As much as you have grown, you’ll never catch up to me. I told you what you should do. I told you the exact things that are causing your growth to be put on hold. You nod your head “yes”, you shed your tears, you thank me for opening your eyes, and then walk out the door and forget everything I have said.
I have never been your priority. I am okay with that. I tore myself to shreds, the pieces I could break off of myself, I gave to you.
Many times I have been silent. Listening to your pain. Feeling it with you.
But we are past that now.
Speaking of the past, my home became your vacation destination. You spent more time on my PC than with me. I spent a ton of money on you. You ate everything in our house with no shame. Did not bother to clean up. Did not even feel sorry for spending all of my money on weed. You never left the room, did not bother to even talk to my brother. You just came in here like you owned the place, ate everything we bought, left your dirty shit everywhere, but never dared to show your face.
Even now, in your home, I am bringing you snacks and tea. I am not your servant.
I guess that’s all I was to you.
Someone with money to spend and love to give. And you didn’t even have to do anything for it.
Like everybody else in my life, you took advantage of me. Now that my house is not available anymore, I come all the way to your place. I don’t shower for days, I don’t shit for days. You leave me locked up in your room for hours.
And after you saw my breakdown. After you saw how hard I have it. After you saw me shaking and struggling to breathe, frantically calling my psychiatrist at 10pm on Christmas eve, sobbing and telling him I want it all to end. I want it all to end. Everything feels wrong.
Your eyes held no love for me. Not anymore.
You’ve left me feeling betrayed. Abandoned.
I wanted to help you. Instead I broke myself to the point of wanting to kill myself. You didn’t even say anything.
I guess love fades away when I’m not always buying things for you and lay naked in your bed, right?
That night, I couldn’t even open my eyes, let alone move. Yet we still had sex. You couldn’t even finish. I couldn’t move. You disgust me.
And fuck you. You really are pathetic. You’ve cried more than me. You used to boast about your manipulation skills. I can see that you haven’t changed. Again, fuck you. May all the pain that you and your friends have caused me find its way back to each and every one of you. Ten times stronger. And may you all realise that it was me who returned it to you all.
I cannot be my pure, authentic self. Acting out of love and light in a world full of miserable shitstains.
Goodbye, fuck all of you from the bottom of my heart. Since my Christmas wish did not get fulfilled, Santa, let them feel what they have made me feel.