[sylvie-me]

17/12/2024 Necdet Babam

Güzel babam, sana ne çok üzülüyorum.

Ama o kadar da teşekkür ediyorum.

Bu dünyada bir tek sen beni anlıyorsun.

Bir tek sen beni görüyorsun.

Annem bana ne annelik yaptı, ne de sana eşlik yaptı.

Ama melek babam, sen o güzel kalbini bana doğru açtın.

Ve o sakladığın sevgiyi sessizce gösterdin.

Bu kelemeleri dilimle söylemesem bile, bil ki, kalbim hep senindir, Babam.

Bu ömrümde seni sevdiğim kadar başkasını sevemem.

Ben seni tüm ruhumla seviyorum, Babam.

Rabimiz sana nasıl iki koruyucu melek nasip ettiyse, seni de aynı şekilde bana nasip etmiştir.

S.A.

[sylvie-me]

17/12/2024 annem ve babama

Küçük gözlerimle izlerdim,

Annem ve Babam- benzerdim sizi sanki iki hayaleı gibi.

Sorardım kendi kendime: “Yüzleri nedem hiç gülmez?”

Düşünerek geldim bir sonuca. Hata bendedir.

Ne yapsam, onları mutlu edemem.

Gözyaşlarımı göstermem. Yalnızca odamda kendimi toparlamam gerek.

Keşke Baba beni görünce sevinse.. Yüzü gülse.

Keşke Anne beni öyle yitmeseydi. Anne, sen ağlarken nedem kızını sarılmak istemedin?

Ben o kadar sevilmez bir insan mıyım?

Ne suç işledim ki bana bir göz bile atmadınız? Size ne kötülük yaptım da sizin sıcaklığınızı hak etmedim?

O kadar sordum, ağladım, bağırdım, yalvardım; Beni sevmiyorsunuz. Beni önemsemiyorsunuz.

O küçük kalbimde taşıdığım sancı, o yorgun gözlerimde sakladığım dolgu. Benim kendi Annem ve Babam beni sevmiyorsa, ben kendimi neden seveyim? Kollarımdan durmadan kanlar akardı. Ama hayalet gibi görmemezlikten gelirdiniz.

Ben sevilmeyi hak etmiyorum.

Annem ve Babam,

Ben sizi hiç tanımadım.

Keşke söylediklerimi duysaydınız.

Keşke benim gözyaşlarımı silseydiniz.

Asıl, ne tuhaf bir şey,

Kendi Annemi ve Babamı tanımamak.

20 sene geçti de ne konuştuk?

20 sene geçti de ne barıştık?

Ama söylemek istediğim bir şey var:

Her insanın bir siniri vardır.

Artık 20 degil, 21 oldum.

Keşke bunu anlasaydınız; sizin acınızı gördüğümü, o acınızı hissettiğimi, o acıyı okadar iyi anladığımı..

Çünkü o aynı acıyı bana da yaşattığınız.

S.A.

[sylvie-me]

[sylvie-me]

[sylvie-me]

[sylvie-me]

Goodbye Kiss <3

[sylvie-me]

To my mother:

I am so sorry for what I put you through.

I had no one to blame so I picked you.

Love had no value, whatever you did was just

Not good enough.

Nothing you did was ever enough.

As a little girl trying to comfort you with a hug, you pushed me away.

It left a wound in me that stays with me to this very day.

Why could no one love me? I asked.

Ask I did.

Receive a response, I never did.

Little did I know that even with dad at home, you were a single mom.

A woman all alone.

A husband who was seemingly there, it was up to you to carry the burdens we threw your way

SA

[sylvie-me]

Oftentimes I feel like I was accidentally born on earth.

As if I am not supposed to be here.

My identity is the result of 20 years of analysing people.

I do not understand how people are willing to live this way.

I find it hard to comprehend that it is uncommon for one to stop their activity, look at a leaf, and think.

How does some random flower not catch their attention when going to work, for instance.

Why are people okay with ‘living’ like this?

Selling your life. Your one life to experience so much. The good, the bad. One short life. And we are expected to sell it.

I truly dislike money.

SA28/07/24-01:41

[sylvie-me]

Taken for granted

Boasted about my intelligence and good behavior

Always saying how glad she is of my independence

What an easy daughter you have

I wonder why she did not feel the need to mother me.

Why she did not show any interest in me.

Why she would let me sign my school papers myself.

Am I unlovable?

Is she incapable of loving?

I have always resented you.

[sylvie-me]

Despite its name

being gifted

is no gift.

It is a curse

disguised as a blessing

for which there exists no remedy.

The curse of ones eyes

undressed and naked

seeing straight through the lies.

The curse of loneliness

for no conversation compares

to the ones you have with your own brain.

The curse of endless thought

for every thing, there must be a why?

especially for this existence of mine.

The gift of being a little girl consumed by heartache

for this gift did not wait

to show me the truth of the neglect i faced

The gift of understanding

that I am not worth the attention

not from my mother, nor my father

The gift of consoling myself

for it was forbidden

for the perfect daughter to cause a fuss

The gift of anger and resentment

for what was once a gift

they transformed into a curse

AS27/07/24.23:54

[sylvie-me]

To be understood.

I so long for it.

To be seen.

To be not only heard but listened to.

Plenty good things I have in my life, but your absence lingers deep within me.

I long everyday of my life to be seen and heard and understood by you, mother.

I speak to you with the voice I have loved out of its shell.

I converse how you treat me. Your daughter. Whom you claim to love so much.

Why is it that whenever I speak instead of respond toward you, tears seem to make their ways out of my eyes?

I do not know who you are. You hold no passion for a single thing in life. It is as if you simply float.

Never here, never there, always just, somewhere.

I kept asking why. Why would you be the one to be responsible of my upbringing?

Father and I are one and the same. But you and me? I simply cannot comprehend how you could be my own blood. My own mother.

Sliced arms, purple bruises, bones poking out, sunken eyes, ribs there for anyone to see.

But not you. No, you never see.

Sheepishly driving me to the hospital at 5 am because I concussed my own self.

Even that you did not see.

It took my brother explaining it to you, for you to finally occasionally ask me if I still have a headache.

You seem to be so aware of my bad mental health, but what is stopping you from thinking about how I ended up being in this state?

I understand nearly everyone and everything. Yet you, my own Mother. I don’t understand anything you do and it frustrates me so deeply.

To the point that I gently caress my own hair and arms. Pretend my own hands do not belong to me when I wipe away my tears.

To the point that I shake my head out of place. To the point that I cannot do anything but give in to stabbing my own flesh.

Why don’t you have the capacity to analyse and understand? How and why are you so, so stupid?

18.02.24 08:43pm

-s

[sylvie-me]

Being in tune with your intuition means seeing things and understanding what they mean.

There were bugs crawling around. First an innocent little black dot. I didn’t mind it.

It was in the bathroom that I looked down and saw disgusting little roaches.

Never has this ever happened before during all of the countless nights I’ve spent there.

The signs were preparing me to want to go home. To want to leave. And so I did with no regrets, only relief.

The day after that, he told me not to contact him anymore. Or at least for a little while.

“Take all the time you need”, I said. Because in these last months, my love for you has vanished into thin air. I had already taken my distance. I was no longer with you.

My silence does not mean that I don’t see what you are doing. What you are thinking.

Treat me like a person that is unworthy of love and respect, and I’ll start acting like a person unworthy of your pathetic love and “respect.”

I’ve been patient for a very long time. You asked me to give you time. I gave you time. You asked me to give you time, again. I gave you time, again. Repeatedly.

My patience has ran out. I have been teaching you how to treat a woman with the bare minimum. If the bare minimum takes you 7 months to grasp, I’m sorry to tell you that I will not be your life coach.

I can only have so much patience.

As much as you have grown, you’ll never catch up to me. I told you what you should do. I told you the exact things that are causing your growth to be put on hold. You nod your head “yes”, you shed your tears, you thank me for opening your eyes, and then walk out the door and forget everything I have said.

I have never been your priority. I am okay with that. I tore myself to shreds, the pieces I could break off of myself, I gave to you.

Many times I have been silent. Listening to your pain. Feeling it with you.

But we are past that now.

Speaking of the past, my home became your vacation destination. You spent more time on my PC than with me. I spent a ton of money on you. You ate everything in our house with no shame. Did not bother to clean up. Did not even feel sorry for spending all of my money on weed. You never left the room, did not bother to even talk to my brother. You just came in here like you owned the place, ate everything we bought, left your dirty shit everywhere, but never dared to show your face.

Even now, in your home, I am bringing you snacks and tea. I am not your servant.

I guess that’s all I was to you.

Someone with money to spend and love to give. And you didn’t even have to do anything for it.

Like everybody else in my life, you took advantage of me. Now that my house is not available anymore, I come all the way to your place. I don’t shower for days, I don’t shit for days. You leave me locked up in your room for hours.

And after you saw my breakdown. After you saw how hard I have it. After you saw me shaking and struggling to breathe, frantically calling my psychiatrist at 10pm on Christmas eve, sobbing and telling him I want it all to end. I want it all to end. Everything feels wrong.

Your eyes held no love for me. Not anymore.

You’ve left me feeling betrayed. Abandoned.

I wanted to help you. Instead I broke myself to the point of wanting to kill myself. You didn’t even say anything.

I guess love fades away when I’m not always buying things for you and lay naked in your bed, right?

That night, I couldn’t even open my eyes, let alone move. Yet we still had sex. You couldn’t even finish. I couldn’t move. You disgust me.

Goodbye for always.

S.

9pm 26/12/23

And fuck you. You really are pathetic. You’ve cried more than me. You used to boast about your manipulation skills. I can see that you haven’t changed. Again, fuck you. May all the pain that you and your friends have caused me find its way back to each and every one of you. Ten times stronger. And may you all realise that it was me who returned it to you all.

I cannot be my pure, authentic self. Acting out of love and light in a world full of miserable shitstains.

Goodbye, fuck all of you from the bottom of my heart. Since my Christmas wish did not get fulfilled, Santa, let them feel what they have made me feel.

[sylvie-me]

christmas haul!!

- ukelele that i really wanted

- a little cinnamoroll or whatever plushie (he knows me so well! i totally didnt tell him many times how much I hate those things! 🥰)

- a text message saying “don’t contact me for a while i need a break”

merry christmas 🤭🤭 my ukelele is still there..

[sylvie-me]

forget forget forget it forget it forget

a bad dream

it was all a bad dream

she is okay

she forgets all

[sylvie-me]

It is 06:21 in the morning. I need to be up by 10:30 to go to a GYNAECOLOGIST??? And I just remembered how beautiful life is. I’m alive, I spent the night with my other half, in a couple of hours some stranger will be elbows deep in my coochie… And I just feel grateful yk?

And my cat is laying in the sheets I hung up to dry. He looks so cozy, he loves me and I love him..

I love cats, I love earth, I love this body I embody with my consciousness, I love love, I love how I am simply grateful to have been born in the first place.

I have so much more than I could have ever imagined.

Thank you. Whoever that “you” is supposed to be, I thank You.

Thank you for spreading my gratitude without me even knowing. I see and feel it. Thank you- Thank me. Thank God, Source, This feeling of unity that I cannot find a name for yet.

I oftentimes forget how rare it is to be a human being. To have been born. No matter the circumstances, I have been born and made it to 20. Even more grateful because I was born into this family I once hated with everything in me, but now wouldn’t trade for anything in the world.

Life is actually so.. easy. Especially with the luxuries I have. It is all so easy. Everything just works in my favor because that means everything works in everyone’s favor.

Day by day, my feeling of unity grows. I see myself in everyone and everything. We are all simply one, even though we’ve forgotten it.

I need to pee.

-S.

Mon. 18.Dec.2023 06:35am.

[sylvie-me]

Tuesday, December 5th 2023 at 4:49pm

[sylvie-me]

guilty feet have got no rhythm