But you fucking COMPLETELY IGNORED ME FOR OVER A MONTH. And then, when you finally did reach out again, you didn't explain your expectations, or set any boundaries around the contents of our letters, and then proceeded to completely ignore most of the emotional work that I was trying to do with you. What's more, you got actively upset at me for trying to do that work, & acted as if I was crossing a boundary (which you had never set) by doing so.
1. YOU SEXUALLY ABUSED ME FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS.
2. I have no idea what "emotional work" you were trying to do with me. You didn't ask or explain yourself. One time you sent two letters with Jude at the same time, and the first one was like, "shall I tell you the whole story? I'll wait for you to respond" and then the second letter was your tragic backstory (which functionally didn't make sense and didn't seem relevant) which I guess was "the whole story"??? ???? And then you told me the story of our friendship, in which you said I was gross and stinky and you would never have looked at me twice if we did not spend functionally all our time together and I was excited to see you.
3. IT'S FINE TO SET BOUNDARIES LATER. SOMETIMES YOU DON'T KNOW YOU HAVE A BOUNDARY UNTIL IT'S BEEN CROSSED. THAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT OR MY FAULT. SOMETIMES MY NEEDS CHANGE, BECAUSE I AM NOT SET IN STONE.
Genuinely I don't think I can unpack the insanity here. So you're mad at Lat for taking space, and also mad at them for contacting you, and also mad at them for expecting you to like, not degrade them via letter as if that somehow wasn't implied by like being human people in a conversation, and you're also mad that they didn't.... I'm losing the thread here, probably because it doesn't make any sense.
Everyone in my life who knows anything at all about what's been happening is pretty upset with you on my behalf, including the very small number of people who know the full context of my actions.
who is that exactly? your mom? your therapist, who is paid to sympathize with you?
You have hurt me in a way that I don't know you are equipped to understand, and that really sucks! You've constantly refused to acknowledge that I also have emotions, let alone that you have a HUGE influence on those emotions!
I totally agree that you also have emotions. They are not appropriate to share with me, your victim. It sounds like you're having a lot of trouble expressing and regulating your emotions, and that is frankly, not my business. We are not friends. You have abused me.
If you had spoken to me in May, I would have done anything, if it meant you would've felt better.
Again, I can't imagine you taking my words at face value right now or ever again, but I promise to answer any questions you have truthfully and without dissembling. However you want to proceed from here, I will go along with it. This feels so stupid and hypocritical to say right now, but I do love you and want the best for you. If you decide you never want to see me again & want to cut contact immediately, that is your right. If you want something else, I will do everything in my power to work towards that solution. I'm so so sorry it came to this.
I needed time and space. I still need time and space. You resent every moment of that time and space. I am an object to you. You do not respect me. You do not trust me. You do not love me.
I have been writing in my journal a lot, and by "writing in my journal" I mean "sobbing and consistently writing and thinking, BUT I AM A PERSON! I AM A PERSON WITH FEELINGS! I EXIST! I EXIST!!" I have never felt so erased by anyone before except by my own parents.
I was actually having nightmares about this one for a while. I have a reoccurring nightmare of something happening where there is an emergency and I'm yelling at my parents that we have to get out of here and we have to get help or do something, and they ignore me, and then the dream always ends with the memory of my parents standing over me while I scream and cry and beg for help from them. That one is interesting because the end of it is based in a memory from when I was a toddler. Anyhow for a couple of weeks in November I was having this nightmare again but you were there in place of my parents.
I apologize if the phrasing of it made you uncomfortable. I want to immediately follow up by restating that you are in complete control of this situation. If you want to never hear from me again, all you have to do is say the word and I will vanish from your life as if I never existed. To be clear, that's not an outcome I want, and I'm willing to sit in the Bad Feelings Pit and do the work for as long as it takes, but I'm also petrified of you feeling coerced or obligated to stay in contact with me.
For the record, this did happen. Because you wrote to me in anger. I felt coerced to reply with how I felt. I felt coerced to reply to you. You dragged my feelings out of me and I was the most honest with you I had been yet. And you responded and told me that I was condescending, and wrong, and that I had compared you to Neil Gaiman which you disagreed with. If you review that letter in particular, you'll find that I compared you to your past self; YOU were the one that said "It's just so easy to not be a sex pest". I just find it insane that you said this to me and yet were sex pesting behind my back to me. Is it easy to not be a sex pest? Because if you weren't, you could've had it all. You could've had me in "skimpy little outfits".
If you were able to convincingly demonstrate to me that you do care about me, and that you do want to be friends, and have a future together, and a house, and a life, I would be willing to work with you to get back there, because historical precedent suggests that we're both happier when we're in each other's lives.
Right back at you. I actually don't need you to prove that you care about me at all, because I also know that my parents care about me. I would need you to prove that you respect me, which my parents will never be able to do. Are You Better Than My Mother? Weird question for the ages.
what I do know is that you need to think long and hard about the part you've played in this, and that you need to give me some kind of apology.
"This is disgusting. Deplorable. VILE. I think this is an evil man. How the fuck are you the one who has to grovel at his feet." [the group chat]
Unlike you, I value apologies whether they're "actionable" or not (no idea what an "actionable" apology is supposed to be) because that's how you're supposed to demonstrate your understanding of why the actions you took were bad, and how they harmed the other party.
I shopped this around to see what people are saying. Friends are saying:
This is wild to me because after knowing you for five years, I fully understand your communication style and why and how you want apologies to be actionable. Wild that Thomas does not understand that despite being so close.
NO IDEA WHAT AN ACTIONABLE APOLOGY IS SUPPOSED TO BE????
Jude said you read Danya Ruttenberg's book on redemption and repair? I assume that she discussed Maimonides' principles of teshuvah? I'll copy them here for your reference.
[Teshuvah which means 'return'.]
Verbally confess your mistake and ask for forgiveness (Mishneh Torah 1:1).
Express sincere remorse, resolving not to make the same mistake again (Mishneh Torah 2:2).
Do everything in your power to “right the wrong,” to appease the person who has been hurt (Mishneh Torah 2:9).
Act differently if the same situation happens again (Mishneh Torah 2:1).
Sorry that all of this apparently went immediately out of your head after reading it? Swiss cheese brain. Horrible. Maybe get that checked out? Like, do you have a brain tumor?
he keeps saying that he loves me, right. and not to cite the television show t100 in the year of our lord 2025. but in the episode "murphy's law" raven and finn are trying to work it out and finn keeps being like "i love you raven you're the only girl for me" and raven's like "yeah but you're also really into clarke" and he's like 'no no no I love you I'm so sorry I hurt u". and then clarke passes out and finn catches her in his arms. and raven looks out into the forest and she's like "yes.... you love me.... but not in the way I deserve to be loved."
and that's the thing, right? I deserve to be loved. I DESERVE TO BE LOVED.
Well! Fortunately I will live a long and full life. I have many fantastic friends and I work at my dream job and I live on a bus line. Unless I kill myself! Which is pretty likely. Hope you feel weird when you are inevitably drawn to my funeral. Or will you look at me in the coffin and think to yourself, "wow, it's so fucked up that they never apologized to me for setting boundaries and I was upset about it, after I assaulted them for two and a half years. I will carry this burden forever because they would not acknowledge my emotions". ?????? I apologize if the phrasing of it made you uncomfortable. I want to immediately follow up by restating that you are in complete control of this situation. If you want to never hear from me again, all you have to do is say the word and I will vanish from your life as if I never existed. To be clear, that's not an outcome I want, and I'm willing to sit in the Bad Feelings Pit and do the work for as long as it takes, but I'm also petrified of you feeling coerced or obligated to stay in contact with me.
For the record, this did happen. Because you wrote to me in anger. I felt coerced to reply with how I felt. I felt coerced to reply to you. You dragged my feelings out of me and I was the most honest with you I had been yet. And you responded and told me that I was condescending, and wrong, and that I had compared you to Neil Gaiman which you disagreed with. If you review that letter in particular, you'll find that I compared you to your past self; YOU were the one that said "It's just so easy to not be a sex pest". You said this to me and yet were sex pesting behind my back. Not even in general, but literally to me. Maybe also in general. That's not my business. I couldn't stop you from assaulting me, so why would I be able to help anyone else.