❝ That barely covered vagina of yours deserves better than that. ❞
❝ I appreciate your anger. ❞
❝ Your chief complaint is not that I screwed someone; it is who I screwed. That’s what it’s about, right? ❞
❝ Your issue with us is purely driven by a societal insecurity, not to mention a culturally infused female competition. My heart goes out to you ladies. ❞
❝ My therapist suggested I attend a twelve step program, for recovery from a love addiction and romantic obsession… ❞
❝ You’re not an addict. You’re just a whore. ❞
❝ I did let someone put a protein bar up my ass once. ❞
❝ I will straight up murder you if you do not sign this immediately. ❞
❝ I love kids. Kids love me. I basically am a kid. ❞
❝ But I would still choose you. Possibly because you’re uninterested. Most likely because you’re stunning and successful. ❞
❝ Sexual anorexia. It’s like depriving yourself of sex because of low self-esteem, or abuse or other gnarly shit. ❞
❝ I’m telling you, someone’s gonna murder us if you keep screaming. ❞
❝ Was this supposed to be a date? Oh shit, it was… Oh hell. I’m an idiot. I’m sorry, I’m a dick. ❞
❝ You’re a catch! It’s true. You know, I’m serious. You’ve got a strong vocabulary. You look dynamite in a tank top. ❞
❝ You know, little girls are told someday they’ll find The One. What they don’t tell you guys is that The One might be a complete fucking dickhead with a boring heroin penis that turns you all into a sex addict. ❞
❝ Some have suggested that I have a little bit of a problem staying faithful… for long periods of time… or possibly at all. ❞
❝ Look, once I come to the realization that I’m with- the wrong girl, I don’t know how to end it. ❞
❝ So you sabotage it by sleeping with other people. ❞
❝ Then comes the big old rigmarole of like ‘you’re afraid to commit’ and it’s like ‘no, I just don’t want to commit to you.’ But I can’t say that, because that’s like mean on top of mean… So instead I’d rather just say something like: ‘I fucked your sister.' ❞
❝ Whoa, since when are you a porn star with killer grammar? ❞
❝ Look, she’s my best friend and I would say by circumstance and certainly duration, you would be my next best friend. ❞
❝ It is a cascading shit storm that is your creation. ❞
❝ A tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic jumps. ❞
❝ We’ll you’ve spent ten thousand hours fucking my life up. ❞
❝ Dude get the fuck out of here, I got it. ❞
❝ I appreciate your concern, Superman! Fly away. ❞
❝ Baby. Just breathe will you. Okay? Will you? Here, come on, sit down. You’re gonna be okay. It’s alright, you just got to breathe. Please. Okay? Yeah. There you go. ___ , this is just fear. ❞
❝ You take this risk when you start sleeping with people. You know, you risk losing them. So for me, I’ve never slept with someone I wasn’t willing to lose. Except one time. ❞
❝ And it kills me that you’re probably gonna go to ___. And it kills me that I can’t ask you to stay, because I have no right to, you know. ❞
❝ Welcome to the hell scape that is my son’s birthday party. ❞
❝ Dude… are you really using your kid to hit on my friend? ❞
❝ First part false. Second part true. ❞
❝ Do not gaslight me with SAT words and sliding scale morality. ❞
❝ You want to tell me about it? ❞
❝ You never told him to make a choice, you know. ❞
❝ Are we in love with each other? ❞
❝ Unfortunately I don’t sleep with men in relationships anymore. ❞
❝ I stopped cheating anyway. ❞
❝ We’re getting a chance to start over. ❞
❝ Hey, did you know they don’t have a separate jail for cool people who fucked up? There’s just one big old jail for everyone. ❞
❝ I sort of beat he shit out of him. Fucked up his life a little bit. ❞
❝ I just really miss you. ❞
❝ Yeah, I think about you like, all the time. Even the word “think” is wrong, because I don’t actively do anything. You’re just here. ❞
❝ I’d rather fail with you, than win with anyone else. ❞
❝ I love hearing you say my name. ❞
❝ Okay honey, you’re on speaker phone in a police station. Be very careful what you say. ❞
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