tw for SA i guess but i just had two of my headmates make. unwanted aggressive sexual advances towards me and idk what to do. i feel silly, bc nothing happened Physically ofc, but it just happened out of nowhere. and they KNEW what they were doing bc they specifically mentioned the word rape. idk, i feel stupid and gross and like i just made it up bc im new to being plural and i don’t want to just lock them away and idk idk idkkkkkkkk
i guess. im just wondering if this has happened to anyone else
this one's been in our inbox since september last year, coz we didn't really feel qualified to answer at the time, but we did think it deserved a good response.
we've been thinking and writing a bit about plural responsibility a fair bit lately, and the essay that's gonna come out of that is still a ways off, but i do think i have a perspective i can offer here now.
what i think it comes down to, inevitably, is what sort of thing you consider your system to be.
if you think of yourselves primarily as separate people, this is a question of getting along while sharing a body. maybe they misjudged your comforts and boundaries. maybe they feel unheard and are lashing out. you probably need to sit down and have a conversation about your boundaries and needs, or have someone external help mediate.
if you think of your system members as existing as parts of a larger psychology though, that response may be wrong. for some systems these experiences might be closer to intrusive thoughts, expressing a fear of the system through its members.
personally, when we experience panic spirals in one headmate about another's actions, it's rarely something that feels like one person against another, but instead an internal conflict between two desires or urges.
when a headmate experiences suicidal urges or negative thoughts about the system as a whole, it feels unhelpful for us to treat this like conflict between singlets. these might feel like actions taken by one of you against the others, but they would likely still be experienced in the mind of a singlet in similar conditions. thus it may not be the fault of any individual headmate as such.
for your case in specific it sounds likely to be a matter that simply requires communication and the establishment of boundaries. but i find it helpful to try and consider both approaches for any given problem, and see what feels like it fits your systemhood and the situation best - sometimes an issue will seem to stall with one approach where the other helps immensely.
