this doesnt need to be posted. forgive bad typing it is 2 am and we are dyslexic i just reslly fucking need to grt it all out of. my me.
so. we have partner ststem (<3) and another partner ststem (X) and X is. so fucking toxic. and they dont rven know it, or maybe they do know and theyre pretedning theyre not to fool us. i dont know whats the truth eith X anymore, they bottle shit up and neglect to tell us actual important stuff and have lied to ys about whats ok with them and ehats not and theyve openly admitted to straight up fucking manipuing us to do whstrver they want.
first of fucking all! we have bpd. we are not perfect. we also have aspd and bipolar which makes us prone to forgetting other people have emotions. we are not perfect, we are flawed. we used to be the type to think the world revolved around us and we would get upset when shit went wrong because of someone else. it took us time and effort and a lot of research jnto our disorders but wr managed to change, we became more mindful, and we're capable of actually comforting people and giving solid advice when others are upset. <3 also has BPD and they have momebts whete theyve blown up and needed to be calmed down. <3 has never blown up at us, ever. and we've never blown up at them. we have literally never had a fight and we've been with them for 2 amazing years
X has bpd and takes it out on us. back when we were still horrible little men we got yelled at and berated for issues we did not cause. they claimed it was communicating it was actually fucking. them telling us how we fucked up snd how we can cater to their needs instead of a "this is what you did wrong, heres what you can do to avoid this later". even back then we knew to tell people how they fucked up and explain how they could do different. it was tense between ys and X whenever someone got mad, and we did cause problems but we have since fixed those problems we CHANGED and lately when we try to tell X "this upset me, can we discuss it to make sure it doesnt happen later?" they fucking shut down. they spiral into im sorry im sorry i suck im horrible im terrible im sorry and i understand the fear of upsetting an fp, X used to be our fp before we got with <3 and realized that X is fucking toxic. X is in therapy, X takes mood stabilizers. both us and <3 are unmedicated, we have no medicine for any of the mental illnesses we have aside from anxiety pills.
for a year, X kept isolating us. X could not handle seeing us with anyone else, if we had any conversations with anyone aside from them thst they knew about theyd get distant. its distressing when your fp gets distant for no reason. we would talk to <3 in a server X was in and X never spoke and we could never figure out why, until "stitch" dropped the bomb and told us the reasoning. it makes sense in hindsight why they hesitated before telling us we could date <3 as well, but we just didnt know. fucking. frusterating.
we used to vc with X daily, alllll yhe time. and get criticized for being silly geese (cracking jokes, being verbslly silly or playing with makeup and making art) and we would get drained within a couple hours and jsut fake a dead battery or discord glitch to get out of the call. recently our star and <3's galaxy were in a vc for two days, and then for like 5 hours a day after that. we didnt get burnt out, we didnt feel embarrassed or shamed for giggling at stuff on insta, we were actively encoursged to laugh and have fun because they told us they love it and they said it with so much love and we could hear the smiles and affection whenever they said they love us, we didnt feel the need to keep talking, we didnt feel like we had to involve <3 in every single thing we were doing. when i tagged star out of front today, star told me about the calling with <3 and how amazing it was and how relaxing it had been and it. made me think.
we do not love X. theyre holding onto broken glass, praying and hoping to miraculously get better with their bpd without actually working for it. theyre hoping that they can fix whatever relationship with us they HAD. we did try to break up with X but X begged us for a second chance, told us theyd be better and theyd be more mindful but honestly its just over. we cant tell them anything or theyll vent over us, we cant ask for support or theyll lovebomb us.
being with X is walking on eggshells, terrified we'll say something to upset them and make them lash out. "maybe theyre in a bad mood,, better keep my distance in case they decide to yell". my headmate "rock" made a joke, didnt realize that it had been insensitive and he got chewed out and x threatened to block us over it and by the fates i wish they fucking had. "rock" left front and "spade" had to front to tell X that "rock" hadnt mesnt to be insensitive and X told "spade" that it felt like "spade" was defending "rocks" actions and "spade" got so sick and fucking tired he straight up told X that he was t defending rocks actions. he was explaining them and attempting to pave the way for rock to be able to apologize without x getting pissy at him and fucking lashing out st him again.
we're growing distant from X, slters who fronted in the past just arent fronting anymore because they cant bear to talk to their partners and pretend to still love when the love isnt there. and we would say all this but we cant, theyre unstable and get legitimately suicidal off their meds. we domt know how to be gentle about something like this and its tsking all our mental energy to even hold a conversation with X. our host, the most forgiving man to ever walk the earth (/exaggerated) usually fronts for about 2 weeks at a time. "bass" fronts for teo weeks, a week into him fronting "zap" will join him, and then when "bass" leaves, "violet" fronts and joins "zap" in front. the three of them are tired of this shit. X called zap annoying, told zap that he was detrimental to their mental health and would fucking negatively impact it if zap fronted. zaps a fucking host, zap and violet cohost with bass and the three of them just cant front or their mental health will spiral and theyll be incapable of hosting and theyll have to step down like "buzz" and "shroom" had to. funfact X also cerbslly attacked "buzz" and actively tried to force "shroom" into a relationship with a sourcemate of his that he expressed time and time again that he wasnt fucking ok with. so they both stopped being hosts and refused tk talk to X.
being with <3 is as easy as breathing. theyre so kind and theyre so smart, theyre so understanding and when they need reassurance and support it doesnt even feel like a chore, it doesnt feel tiring, it comes so naturally we could do it in our sleep. whenever we cross a line with <3 they tell us "hey no more, do this instead ok?" and they do it so gently and fondly and they make us feel like we can go to them if we have a problem, it feels like all our worries and everything wrong with the world is gone, it goes away when we talk to <3. two years and not a single argument, two years and we have never yelled at them or been irritated at them. and theyve never yelled st us or been annoyed or thoight we were cringe.
whem we got our emotional support doggo, X got jealous of the dog because we were spending time with dog instead pf with them. we told them that we needed to be offline more often so we could get dog accustomed to living with us and make sure she was trained and whatnot and get into a routine with dog we said that multiple times but they still got distant whenever we sent a picture of dog.
<3 was happy for us, <3 told us that dog was their child now and we better take care of her. <3 was fully understanding when we were offline more frequently, <3 actually encouraged us to spend tme with dog to make sure she was happy snd knew this was her forever home. <3 became overjoyed whenever we sent pictures of dog and they still do, we come back to our room and say "dog is doing [thing]" and they go "HIIII DOOOOOOG I LOVE YOU DOOOOOG"
we just dont love X and i dont think we'll ever be able to, the bridge was burned. it didnt work out. X isnt fit for a relationship, if X wanted to stay platonic friends i wouldnt even be mad but as it is now, this isnt s relationship this is us being bone tired of X and X not. realizing it.
