ᓚᘏᗢ @system-x-failure - Tumblr Blog

— "Main host"s blog - @laughsoficarus

— Pairidaeza System - bodily 19 - collectively Dirk/Alex, he/him - currently hosting : Unus⚰️

— Main interests fluctuate a lot but some of them include Markiplier, Homestuck, Bliss/Strength/Infuse SMP, Vampires SMP, Pokémon, Inscryption, Minecraft stuff in general, Night in the Woods, FNAF, Gachiakuta, and The Stanley Parable

— Posts tagged with alter proxies/names

— Simply Plural is PairidaezasDreams (anyone can add just note where you're adding from)

— Usually if we follow people it's from source tags but we also just like following other systems in general

— Basic dni and if I don't want you interacting I'll block you it's easy

— (Some) alter sideblogs: @nightfallenflame (Pyro) @crimson--twilight (Apo) @princeofhxrt (Dirk) @rox--star (Roxy) @ringmastersrequiem (Pierce) @mediocremasquerade (Zanka) @pairidaezasdreams (Kaveh) | A few of our Hazbin introjects also have them but don't freely list them on here

Some more frequently fronting alters listed below

#pinned #coll.txt

I'm having a funky alter moment where I'm thinking about how I as a woman in a collectively transmasc system really feel like I grab onto the depths of our womanhood that will always remain deep inside of us regardless of our gender label and I really embrace it not in a way of femininity how you'd imagine it but in a way of connecting to women in our life and having a deeply rooted love and care and protective feeling towards them

#I really felt that in the past couple hours #Where I yelled at a man for being spineless and pathetic and deepy hurting one of our best friends #Because she means so much to us and she deserves nothing but the world #And as a woman it infuriated me that some no-life man did that to the most important woman in our life #I felt a feminine rage that is buried so deep inside of us beneath our identity as transmasc #Not quite a man because that doesn't feel right but we very much identify as masculine #But somewhere beneath that is still these things connecting us to womanhood #And I really just grabbed it and pulled it up into my individual identity as an alter #I feel such a need to protect her as a woman and I put so much venom into what I said to that man #Because he so genuinely disgusted me for that and I hope to god he feels ashamed and pathetic #I hope he realizes a million different things and it all eats him alive and I hope he grows up and gets his shit together #I have no pity for a grown man who doesn't know the word shame #And I made that so clear to him telling him I won't wish him well because he doesn't deserve that #But that I hope he'll grow up and become someone who does deserve that kindness #Because I want him to be better for the sake of anyone who ever enters his life from now on #He deserves to be haunted by the faces of the women that were in his life only being able to imagine hatred and disgust in their eyes #And I stand by every single angry word I said to him and every unapolagetically unsympathetic sentiment I aim at him #And ALL OF THIS is coming not only from my rage caused by my love for my friend but also my rage as a woman #And I think in a way it's beautiful that I can hold onto something we still hold important to our internal self #Even if it's buried deep beneath the rest of our identity #We don't like to be viewed or treated as a girl as a collective person but by god I as an alter am a woman #amy🕯.txt

As much as this situation I'm in sucks it is kind of awesome how I have so many shooters lmao

#Like wow I actually do just have a lot of people who know me and the integrity of my character and think this is bullshit #A couple people I was paranoid about actually messaged me to check on me and they were completely on my side #Main tweeted about it and had a little support in the strawpage also #Very good very good #Appreciate that people are on my side instead of believing some utter bullshit #And telling me that my disorder is invalid basically and that an adult alter in a suggestive drawing was definitely a fictional minor #And not his own person and a consenting adult #Much to think about #coll.txt

Can't believe today I learned my alters in my system are problematic media because people who claim they're so knowledgeable and informed on systems decided that my alters aren't their own people and source separation doesn't matter so some random person is right to twist something to them and claim that I drew something of characters that I did not draw of characters

#Awesome that's cool #And literally only my ex could have had access to that so what are we doing #Like I genuinely cannot fathom who could have brought it to them and they aren't gonna tell me #But my ex is the only one who could have had that unless that bitch handed it out without consent #And someone decided now they're gonna twist it and use it to try to fuck me over or whatever #Really stupid and annoying situation I'm in rn #And my innocence gets to ride on if they actually find my disorder valid basically #One of them said it doesnt matter lol #Like yeah sure it doesnt #coll.txt

Anyway venting aside I just remembered how the other day I was playing OW with a couple friends and while in the practice range I pointed out how Wuyang goes "ooh" in one of his voicelines exactly the same way that I do and I joked saying he's just like me and Ali said something like "I'll give it 2 days max"

#I love when she makes jokes like that #It's okay that she's lowkey placing curses on me #coll.txt

I'm at least kind of proud of myself for one thing and that's I REALLY recognized how impulsive I wanted to be about one thing and I actively said No just don't fucking say it don't make it worse for yourself or turn it into a real problem just because you're feeling a lot right now and it's fucking you up in a way people don't realize

#I was really tempted to say something that had a bit of like venom behind it and ooohhh bad don't do that #So idk #Proud of me for being able to catch myself and choosr not to act out #I need to start being proud of that #Because that really sounds like I'm saying it's hard not to be an asshole sometimes #But in reality that's actually just true #We all have different ways our brains process emotions and want us to respond #So it IS hard sometimes for some people #That doesn't automatically mean they wanna be shitty or like being shitty or they're a bad person #I think about these things so arbitrarily but that just is not how it works #coll.txt

I honestly need to give myself more room to let my emotional responses happen whether I think it's stupid or unecessary or not and whether it's just my inability to process things in a normal way causing some really stupid shitty reaction out of me

#Like whatever maybe I do feel like crying over this whole thing because my mind is so stressed about it #Maybe it's stupid! But whatever #Just cry. Who cares #coll.txt

system-x-failure

The way I have to catch myself getting defensive and just like use my will to decide that I'm exiting an interaction

system-x-failure

Kinda just hard to deal with feeling like suddenly in some random situation where nothing really happened I am so stacked against and wrong as fuck for something even though nobody is forcing me to stay acknowledging the whole thing or being hostile towards me but yknow

#Whatever #Just sucks that my brain can't process anything normally I guess #I'm focused on that above anything #The fact that this is fucking with me so bad and I feel like it's back to walking on eggshells #Not wanting to talk to our friends or around them #Because I can't handle feeling like I committed a god damn crime #I have 3 days to go chill out so ✌️#More like 2 but yknow #coll.txt

The way I have to catch myself getting defensive and just like use my will to decide that I'm exiting an interaction

#Like whateveeeerrr I don't caaarree anymooooreee I don't care #I shouldn't be sitting around getting defensive about it it's not that deep #Idc I don't need to have this talk #I'm getting defensive because I don't like that it felt like it was getting hammered at me that I made a bad judgement call #Albeit not entirely my own judgement and I was basically suaded to do it #And it had no real consequence at all because it was just like #Oh this person in this smp was banned a while back in several channels . Probably good to mention to the admins #Not calling for a ban not calling for anything but “keep an eye just in case this hasn't changed”#And I can admit being wrong of course but like naturally in some scenarios something activates where I get defensive #WHOOO CAAARREESSSSS calm down #Anyway I'm playing blockblast and I don't care anymore #Also realized the answer is it's RSD coming into play lol #coll.txt

ooohimsosleepeeyyyy

#I was staying awake watching videos with Alicia...worth it...#ouuu so sleepy.#coll.txt

This nickname for the protag in Poppy Playtime is the best thing that could have ever happened

#coll.txt #iron lung spoilers

On one hand I understand not just easily being able to cut someone off if they have such intertwined social ties with your general circle and having to just sort of play along with 'friendship' still but on the other hand I don't understand still how some of our friends can seem so content with still being friends with or associating with or bonding with someone they'll also actively talk so negatively about because they're a genuinely awful person