Systemic Existence @systemicexistence - Tumblr Blog

Posts

I just do not understand identifying one's gender as nonbinary. I myself do it on occasion only because people are familiar with the term and will know what it means. It's handy, but it makes no sense to me.

The dominant culture where I live subscribes to a binary construct of gender (I'm honestly just uninformed about world-wide gender constructs so am speaking for my own area/culture just because it is what I do know). I myself subscribe to a nonbinary construct of gender where none of the genders are part of a binary system, where male, female, genderqueer, genderfluid, demi-girl, etc etc are all nonbinary genders because all genders are nonbinary. There is no binary.

I want to get rid of the dominant culture's binary system, but not male and female genders. Down with the binary! But let's keep male and female.

Calling male and female genders binary seems like it means they are inherently binary and my entire gender ideology is based in the idea that the binary doesn't exist.

I don't know what other word to use, especially because I want to describe people with the words they use to describe themselves and nonbinary has become so popular and widespread. I just know that I'm very uncomfortable with it and I want a better but just as understood term to describe myself. And also a better way to describe those of us whose genders are not recognized by the binary gender construct of the dominant culture without using their construct to describe us.

#nonbinary #binary #transgender #genderqueer #cisgender #genderfluid

"It seems like people try to make change, fail because it's really hard, don't want to feel like a failure, and protect their feelings by deciding that they actually do want to do the thing they habitually do."

I wrote this to a friend I was chatting with about the parents who repeat child abuse they themselves experienced because they "turned out fine!", and it keeps staring at me... suggesting that perhaps I do some self reflection. Ugh. (On the bright side, I don't have kids or a partner, so I'm at least not abusing other people in the ways I was abused and telling myself it's fine. I'm just inflicting this shit on myself.)

When it comes to emergency preparedness, I'm like "yeah, the building I live in will probably collapse in a major earthquake and if I'm in it, I'll probably die, but if somehow I do survive I'll be pissed at myself if I don't have the supplies I need, so I'd better get that two weeks worth of water ready".

When it comes to mental health, I'm like "why even bother doing all of this counseling and hard work to make changes? I'm probably going to die soon anyway."

Hmmm... that doesn't sound consistent at all....

I do actually do the difficult mental health work, I just tell myself demotivational things while I do it, apparently.

systemicexistence

[image description: a small handwritten sign that says “Do NOT get back in bed! ❤️” in blue marker on white paper stuck to an off-white wall above the wooden headboard of a bed frame, with the tops of striped pillows visible at the bottom.]

I put this sign above my bed last night, set an obnoxious alarm in my kitchen, committed to trying to make my bed immediately upon getting up (depending on if the obnoxious alarm is already going off), had my tea kettle full and ready to go and breakfast waiting in the fridge. Damn determined to kick depression and anxiety’s asses today.

I’ve been out of bed since 7:15am! I have been incredibly unproductive but I don’t even care. I ate, I took medication, and I’m about to start laundry!

Last Sunday was really, really awful. That is NOT happening again today. And, to be clear, this is not easy. Anxiety through the roof. Deep breath deep breath…

systemicexistence

So because I knew I'd be freaking out about what to do today, I made myself a list of suggested activities last night. A lot of them were things that needed to get done within the next 5 days (paying bills, etc). It's 4:30pm, and I've done all of the "need to do" things. I'm going to venture into my "want to do" list now, which is much more anxiety provoking.

Last week at this time, I'd been awake for 7.5 hours but was just getting out of bed and only because I kind of had to. I don't remember how I thought of the kitchen alarm thing, but it was a very good idea.

[image description: a small handwritten sign that says "Do NOT get back in bed! ❤️" in blue marker on white paper stuck to an off-white wall above the wooden headboard of a bed frame, with the tops of striped pillows visible at the bottom.] I put this sign above my bed last night, set an obnoxious alarm in my kitchen, committed to trying to make my bed immediately upon getting up (depending on if the obnoxious alarm is already going off), had my tea kettle full and ready to go and breakfast waiting in the fridge. Damn determined to kick depression and anxiety's asses today. I've been out of bed since 7:15am! I have been incredibly unproductive but I don't even care. I ate, I took medication, and I'm about to start laundry! Last Sunday was really, really awful. That is NOT happening again today. And, to be clear, this is not easy. Anxiety through the roof. Deep breath deep breath...

avpd-chekov

You are not weak for developing ptsd when others who went throught the same did not

You are not weak for developing ptsd

systemicexistence

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, actually. My therapist refers to my trauma as "severe" and I told him I'd never thought of it as severe. He said that he's worked with people who have experienced more physical and sexual abuse than I have but that everybody reacts differently to trauma. He said he thinks I'm on the far end of the spectrum as far as being neurologically sensitive. I'm one of those "highly sensitive" people. I just am, and I know it.

I keep expecting that I'll feel some kind of shame about this, about the degree of ptsd symptoms I have in comparison to others, but I just don't. And, I mean, maybe I am weak. I'm kind of okay with that. I'm physically weak in comparison to many people. I have a spine condition and there are some things I just can't do or have to ask for help with, no matter how much exercise I do. I don't feel ashamed of that - it just is. It's the hand I was dealt.

So, maybe I am weak. Weak in the sense that I can't do some of the emotional heavy lifting others can do. Just can't. I reach fatigue or intolerable pain sooner than many. I need more assistance and accomodations than many.

The reality is that even given the exact same life experiences, some people will be biologically less equipped to handle the situation. I think that's fine, and it's certainly not a personal failing.

nateforyou

what kind of power move could I make towards my new therapist?

nateforyou

* takes a notepad and takes notes whenever they take notes *

systemicexistence

This is almost exactly what I did with my new therapist lol

vladtheunfollower

if you sulk and act like a sullen loser when someone asserts a boundary you’re not actually respecting their boundaries, basically if you make things unpleasant afterwards you’re creating an environment where people feel they cannot say no to you or assert themselves

systemicexistence

To be honest, this gets really confusing to me. I've been physically, verbally, and sexually abused in the past as punishment for expressing emotions (like for being found crying by myself in my own bedroom). In reaction to that, I feel very defensive about being able to feel and express emotions without being told to stop. A lot of times, this should be done privately, but to some people even taking space to have my emotional reaction alone is hurtful in a way that prevents them from asserting themselves for fear of upsetting me. And I'm not talking about sex here - that's not the kind of thing I'd get upset about. The kind of thing that is likely to upset me is a partner deciding to do something that doesn't involve me during a time I had expected to spend together. I'm going to feel sad about that kind of thing in a pretty intense way. I'm not saying that's good (it's really not and I've been working on it for a while), but I probably can't hide it and don't want to be scared of expressing how I'm genuinely feeling. At some point there's a tipping point from the reasonable "your sulking is actually coercive" to the problematic "you don't get to feel sad or angry about the things I do" and it's really not obvious exactly where that point is.

Just made a big, stress-inducing purchase on Amazon, and Amazon acted like it was no big deal. I hit "Complete Purchase" and they were like "Thanks! We'll send you shipping info."

It seemed totally inappropriate. I wish there were a series of pop-ups: "Are you sure you want to complete this order?" "Completely sure?" "Last chance to do more research." Followed by "Congratulations! You did it!"

elodieunderglass

So I think I might be bi? But if I am it changes almost nothing about my life because I am happily and monogamously married. But if it doesn't really matter, why do I have so many feelings about it???? Anyways, I am asking you because it seems like there is a 50/50 chance of a delightful and pithy answer or a picture of a bird as an answer.

elodieunderglass

ALTERNATE CONCLUSION

auressea

How do you get so much EXPRESSION from a (line-drawn) 2D swan?!

Birdtender Tea. No no.. it’s Bi-tender Tea. Bi-BirdTeader?

elodieunderglass

It’s Just Boilt Twigs

lynati

…Huh. I don’t see where it actually says their mate is of a different gender than them. It just says, “happily and monogamously” married…?

The “where’s my cup” bit cracked me up. I like this swan. : )

elodieunderglass

I definitely could be wrong, and I’ll accept the correction if it’s relevant!

I’m not an expert by any means, but I have some experience in the Gay Advice Game. And within that experience, I feel that a person of the Community, now questioning their possible bisexuality, would not be able to shut up about their gayness. The Gay Credentials would be out, at length, for audience examination and verification - long before the question was ever arrived at. The paperwork is always handed over first. We’re just like that.

It would be “I am a LESBIAN with a beautiful WIFE (brief three-ask-long tangent into praise about the wife). But now, at the age of thirty-three, I am POSSIBLY experiencing sexual attraction to a cisgender hetero man. (Brief disclaimer into the nature of said attraction, with a quick tour into OP’s discovery of their sexuality at the age of fifteen.) in conclusion, what the fuck. and do I have to hand in my identity? All of my Pride merch is strictly lesbian. I don’t like the Bi flag. Do I have to tell people? I can’t bear the thought. I have staked out my identity for years, at length, defending it from those who would destroy it; I have a wife, for god’s sake; questioning things now feels like an EROSION of my identity, not an ADDITION.” Then we’d talk about how nice the wife is, some more.

We know about biphobia by then, you see, by the time we marry. We know what we have to lose. And how galling it is to admit being WRONG (because thats’s how it will be seen, by your mother and some of your friends and your colleagues - they said all along that you just needed to meet the Right Man, or that you weren’t a Real Lesbian, and now they’ll be smug, and nasty.)

And we’d have to circle the wagons and call an official meeting of the cabal to amend their paperwork. We would have to put blankets around their shoulders, and print off educational leaflets to hand round their Sapphic Knitting Circle. And if it was a gay man married to a man writing in, it would be worse, oh dear. Society would perceive a double-bluff, might react with violence. Local in-person queer communities often have unkind words for this perceived betrayal. Witnessing the backstory alone would take five asks. It would probably be beyond my paygrade.

So this reads to me like a “straight” person, who had presumed their own heterosexuality all their life, now questioning that. And so they got a straight answer, haha. The assumption of their identity as a default, with a broadening wonder that there might be an addition to that, that their identity could be bigger than previously known, bigger than the default - read “”“”“"straight”“”“” to my eyes. Which have admittedly been shaped by experience and may in fact be too quick to assume.

I could be wrong, I’ve been wrong before! If anon wants to correct me they’d get a different answer anyway.

Thank, I like you too!

dragonairstims

View this post on Instagram

maybenotboring

sure, I don’t get a “healthy” amount of sleep like SOME PEOPLE do but can they do THIS *stands up, blacks out for a second*

#LOL!

Sometimes I think it’s easier to just tell myself “I don’t really want to eat dinner. I’m not motivated to eat dinner,” or even “I’m actively trying to harm myself by not eating dinner” than it is to admit that I desperately want to eat dinner but even just thinking about starting that process is triggering a panic attack and I don’t even know why.

Much easier to just not give a damn.

danielle-mertina

The right way is often the rare way and it’s important to get used to dealing with that. The right way is often the inconvenient way, it’s the pickiest way. You have to say ‘no’ a lot.

But the result is that you will have a life that aligns with what you want. And that’s worth the wait, inconvenience, and being different from folks around you.

waxingpoeticbinarythinking-deac

that I used the words “ego-syntonic” and “ego-dystonic” when talking to a psychiatrist was used as evidence by that psychiatrist that I was obviously faking, additionally, the fact that I have read and memorized various portions of the dsm was presented as evidence by a psychologist that I was obviously faking

this is an attitude I have commonly encountered amongst mh professionals, which is, If You Appear To Have Accessed The Forbidden Psychiatric Knowledge And You Are A Patient, That Is A Bad Sign

like I remember a psychiatrist who got mad at me for my explaining that if I was bipolar I had to be having a manic episode and not a hypomanic episode because my symptoms were, by the criteria in the dsm, definitively manic and not hypomanic

the same psychiatrist brushed it off when i explained that me stimming was not an ocd compulsion, because it did not meet any of the dsm criteria for being a compulsion, saying that “well, no one is ever a textbook case“

same psychiatrist again, said “excuse me, are you the doctor?” when i was genuinely trying to be helpful by suggesting a starting dosage for a med I had been on before

he was clearly very threatened by me knowing or indicating that I knew anything about Official Psychiatric Information, and this is, aside from being very frustrating, is completely fascinating to me

why is it a threat if I know psychiatric terminology? why is it a threat if I have read the dsm? why is a diagnosis only valid if the patient doesn’t have the faintest idea what it means and adamantly disagrees that they have it? (one example: I was dxed with bpd for the first time, had never heard the term and disagreed, saw a different psychiatrist who I told about the dx and the fact that I had googled it and now I was more receptive to the dx given that I had read more about it, and this psychiatrist told me I “shouldn’t self diagnose” and dxed me with bipolar instead. in this instance, me agreeing with the bpd dx instantly made it no longer applicable)

like there is very much a power thing in psychiatry where the ideal patient knows nothing about their diagnosis or medication beyond what they are told by a mh professional, agrees with whatever they are told, and then complies with no further question, complaint or disagreement

sublingualspiro

yeah i tend to fake not knowing about this stuff and just like, paraphrase stuff into everyday language (i say everyday as if i wd not use the phrase ‘ego-dystonic’ in everyday conversation’

systemicexistence

This is so real. When I brought up OCD to my psychiatrist, I was verrrry careful about providing the context for why it had come up and why I had googled the symptoms to make sure he knew I had just stumbled upon a possible revelation rather than going searching for a diagnosis or inventing symptoms to match the diagnostic criteria.

It's other medical fields too though. Funniest to me is phlebotomists who argue with me when I tell them which vein works the best for blood draws. Honestly, I got so tired of being told why I must be wrong that I just stopped saying anything and let them pick.