in which i ramble about decade old feelings and nostalgia...
I looked at the date and realized that two days ago had marked a full decade since Fall Out Boy’s “From Under the Cork Tree” was released. It’s kind of weird to remember specific dates for album releases probably but that’s the kind of stuff I always remember.
I have a pretty strange and volatile relationship with that band, because they were my everything back when I was in high school, but as I got older.. I changed, and so did they. I can’t really listen to their new stuff because for me, it doesn’t have the same heart that their older stuff had (though I think even FUCT’s production had really marked the start of change that propelled things forward. I’ll never sit and claim they are or were an amazing band, or that one era is arguably better or worse than another. But my attachment lies in a certain brand of nostalgia, much of which comes from how that album and Take This to Your Grave really saved me from myself back then.
It was one of my best high school friends that got TTTYG for her birthday, around the time of release. And I listened to it, but it took me a while to really fall into it myself. A few months later, I got into a relationship that was really, really messy. Like, his girlfriend had cheated on him, and I just lent my support while he got over it, kind of fell for him in the process, and when we eventually did start to date, it was short lived. But I fell hard and even after he ended things on the pretense that he needed more time. I later learned he was seeing another girl and still stringing me along, getting jealous when I dealt with other guys (and even flirted? apparently i was supposed to wait for him while he had his secret relationship). It was ugly, it hurt me badly... I was 16, so I was young and stupid and I wanted to believe things would work out.
But that band and that album helped me to move on. I’m not sure what made TTTYG so therapeutic for me, but it hit all the right notes for me. I went to every show I could when they were in the area. I bought merch, I looked for my chances to give them a what’s up and thank them. I was able to move on and become a much stronger person for it. I listened to plenty of other bands and went to so many shows... I’m pretty sure I was on line for concerts more than I was ever in class back then. But I was okay.
But then 2005 happened, and FUCT came out... and it was again, what I needed. May 3rd was the release of the album, and I remember this specifically because my friend and I went to the album release show in New York. I rushed out of my part time job to get there, and we got pizza beforehand (where, we had a very important conversation about The Starting Line releasing a new album without realizing that Kenny was... sitting at the table next to us WHICH WAS REALLY EMBARRASSING ABOUT AN HOUR LATER WHEN WE REALIZED IT). It was fun and super memorable, and once again, they released an album that became my everything. It came out at the end of my last year of high school. It was a summer soundtrack that helped me move from childhood into my adult life, and in a way, helped me say goodbye to the friends I wouldn’t be seeing much after that. College separated us, and while many of them are still close to one another, my life took a different direction (one I am satisfied with), but I think without that album, a lot of other things wouldn’t have happened.
I made friends because of that band. I made enemies too, but those people and experiences shaped me. Getting a chance to experience being in one of their music videos, having two full days around like-minded people and a band you love is something I would never be able to trade in. There were secret handshakes and signals, stories and interactions, dares and parties that to this day, I can never forget. Seeing that video or even hearing the song is enough to make them flood back in.
Even my first tattoo was kind of an ode to that band, because without their music, I’m not sure what kind of person I would have grown to be. Music and experiences are so deeply personal and unique that it always bothers me when people try to just write off a band or genre as “bad” ...you don’t know. You don’t know what a song can do for a person. What a specific lyric or chord can mean, what kind of memories they can hold when played back many years later.
I’m really grateful for those things, even now. Even if my tastes have changed, even if I don’t listen to them like I used to. Even if they wouldn’t recognize me in a group of people like they did when I was seeing them at least 6-12 times a year. Even if I’m not in touch with the friends I made because of the connection we shared over the music. It’s nice to come back to it ten years later, edging on my 28th birthday and going “this holds up well, because it’s everything I remembered it being.” I can hardly believe how much time has passed, and how much I’ve changed. The me that was 17 in may of 2005 couldn’t have known who I would become. The me of then couldn’t have known that less than a year later, she’d meet the man she was going to marry, that they’d be together all those years later. She couldn’t have known which friends would stay or go, which jobs she’d take and careers she’d pursue. She couldn’t have known what her hobbies would be, or what her own presence in those hobbies would be. It’s kind of a nice reminder though.
“We’re the therapists, pumping through your speakers, delivering just what you need.”
fiance's been watching i hear your voice and it's so much fun for me to re-watch it alongside him. he gets so involved with theorizing and figuring stuff out (including a certain subplot he figured out as soon as it was introduced).
but the best part was him asking if anyone actually took home awards for it because he's enjoying it that much (and is marginally aware of the way the end of year award ceremonies work). so i showed him the sbs awards 2013 winners and he was so mad??
he was like "really, heirs won best couple? really, lmh gets the top excellence in that category for heirs? really, he wins the style award too?" he was so mad about it. at least he felt a bit redeemed with lby's daesang but still.
it was really cute to watch him get so annoyed over an award ceremony like... a year late.
he really started to get why jongsuk is so important to me too, which is funny as hell. he saw heirs before school 2013 so he was pretty cemented in being down with woobin's roles, but now he really sees why my jongsuk problems are so, so real. the whole evening was just great because of it. he only really started watching dramas initially to see what it was all about, and now he's getting invested, figuring out genres and types of storytelling he likes, picking out the casts he likes best.
and give park hye run so much praise for her writing style that all i could do was just be glad that he gets it. (spoiler: this is why we've stayed together for almost nine years with less fights than i can count on one hand)
i've been having a rough few days for health reasons but jelle and i watched rm181 before as a mood boost and i'm just
ugh
lives an eternal life of just crying about how cute jongsuk is and also how he is literally the worst liar. sure, he can act if you put an actual script in front of him but his awkward laughter and discomfort was so visible in every instance where he had to lie to his team for the secret couple thing... god it was so hilarious obvious.
that expression gives me hilarious flashbacks to this:
which is just even more funny when you remember the context and me laughing for 700 years about that alone was enough to make my day a little brighter.
i have it bad for this boy, even if it's because he's just so cute and needs to be protected. the noona life!! or whatever. i don't care though, sometimes it's the strangest things that can bring light into a dark situation and i'm really very thankful for jongsuk's entire existence for doing that for me today.
in totally unrelated news i want to go magazine shopping but i can't go into the city at all this week. it's like torture since i blew last week's budget on skinfood and i can't go til next week.
but not because of my budget.
i just really don't want to deal with being up there during a un summit because security is crazy, things always get closed and diverted and it's a general pain in the ass, especially when i lot of my shopping and general hangout spots (for the wifi leeching) are in midtown. it was bad enough when i had to deal with it when i worked in midtown, doing it optionally is a dumb idea. at the same time i'm like i want all my magazines though......
truly first world struggles, but i get so restless living out in the middle of nowhere. even if i chose to move out here because it's so much cheaper and probably better for my mental well being (as to not actually strangle idiots), but i'm a city girl. i look so out of place here because i dress so differently and it's comedic but also awkward because i either have guys ogling or girls giving me super dirty looks????? it's like stop looking at me. whereas in ny what i do is completely normal/average and doesn't generally attract attention. generally.
been feeling unwell most of the day and finally gave up on any semblance of productivity.
what a good time to watch something in my drama queue, right? right. except instead of doing that i started rewatching i hear your voice and i regret it because i'm being reminded how much i love this drama. it's like when i watch school 2013 again a couple of months ago which was ultimately what sent me on this downward spiral...
or one of the many downward spirals my life has become. ha.
it's an imperfect drama, but still so, so good. excellent cast, sates my weakness for noona romances.... and was probably one of the last dramas of 2013 i was able to consider actually good... (bc while i love the heirs, i also acknowledge it's a shitfest saved only by its sass levels and a cast i like).
mrrrrrrrrr continues watching as a distraction from feeling sick because i'm definitely not tired enough to go to sleep after my 12 hour slumber. oops.
