#tl;dr

[twinnflowrr]

you know what I just thought of? i can take a bucket and dump soil in it mix my amendments and repot my plants.

this has been a problem in my head the last couple of days. i have a huge bin of soil but not the soil i need to repot. but its too full to add new soil to. but i found a solution to said problem

now to repot some plants (-:

🪴🌵🪴

[dreemmachine]

v came over today and we smoked a joint and watched dropout tv and cuddled and napped on each other 🖤

ended up being a pretty social rest day, but i only saw folks who don’t drain me (and in my own house). caught up with my neighbor while he did laundry, clover was on my side of town so they popped in and we debriefed about the market. and v came over and we smooched and enjoyed my air conditioning. j sent me a really cute selfie and reached out about planning his visit this weekend(!)(!!!)

i made a pizza with spinach, goat cheese, green olives, lemon zest and garlic scapes from the garden for dinner for kyle and i. it was so good, i fucking love garlic scapes! kyle made a cob salad with fancy lettuce and nasturtium leaves from the garden last night. creatures ate my strawberries as usual, and my sunflower seedlings fried in the heat. but the scarlet runner beans just reached the top of the trellis and we have our first snap peas.

[gods-saddest-unicorn]

A little late, but here we go! Celebrating Pride Month by coming out!

Buckle up, it's a bit of a long one...

I spent a lot of my life post puberty always feelings.... off. I never felt like I fully fit in with other women. I always did the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, was too boisterous, too rough, too much. I never felt fully confident in feminine clothing, no matter how much I pushed myself, how much of my skin I expose, how much glitter and sparkle and I plastered on my face. It never felt right.

When I was about 14, I tried using he/him pronouns for the first time. I only ever told one of my sisters, who has and always will be a proud and out lesbian. She supported me immediately, and this emboldened me to start wearing masculine clothes, "acting masculinely" (if there is such a thing lol), and participating in typically masculine activities. Things were alright for a while, until the fear set in. The deep fear of being judged, of never being taken seriously, of never getting to be a "real man", of being hurt by everyone that wanted to hurt me. And it scared me so much, I forced myself back into the closet.

I took this part of who I am, this part that felt genuine joy from being around other boys my age, being "one of the guys", experiencing manhood as an outsider, the euphoria I felt when I managed to get my large chest to look extra flat, and shoved it so far down inside of myself and refused to ever look at it again.

Then COVID happened. We were all locked inside with nothing to do but think and scroll on TikTok. It was the peak of the E-girl aesthetic. I saw the attention these girls got, the praise, the romantic attention, and I figured if I could do that, I would finally be happy. So I tried it. I wore dark clothes, dark hair, dark makeup. I dressed provocatively, showed my body off like some prize, sexualized myself in an attempt to make up for the fact that I still never felt right as a woman. And it destroyed me.

It wasn't until after moving in with my husband that I felt I was nonbinary. It was the only thing that made sense to me at the time. I didn't fully relate to women outside of the trauma most of us experienced just existing in life. Most of my favorite characters, actors, and creators were male. I was terrified that this meant I was secretly a misogynist. I felt like I was "betraying the sisterhood". I worried that it would only be a matter of time before I betrayed my fellow woman and sold out for the approval of men.

Well, turns out I'm actually not a horrible person with internalized misogyny! I'm actually a man! I've always been a man! I related to men so much because I'm a man who's been looking for healthy male connections my entire life! I'm a man who spent his whole life struggling to find the right words to describe who he is! I'm a man who once was a little girl who couldn't keep her hands off the kitchen scissors to cut her hair. In a way I think little me always knew who I was inside. I feel like she knew that there was something off about her body that didn't match how she felt inside, but didn't let that stop her from trying to have fun.

I don't want to forget the little girl I was. This isn't a death, it's a pupation. I'm finally turning into the man I always was and I can not WAIT to fully embrace myself!

SO HAPPY PRIDE TO ALL MY BEAUTIFUL TRANSMASC PEOPLE OUT THERE!! I WISH YOU ALL SEAMLESS TOP SURGERIES AND AN ABUNDANCE OF TESTOSTERONE FLOWING THROUGH YOUR VEINS!!!

[dreemmachine]

ignore me, using tumblr as my diary tonight.

not me getting called out by my current crush about how i threw up so many disclaimers in the beginning about what i cannot offer, only to observe that i so clearly want closeness and emotional intimacy. ow lmao.

i told him i don’t like people pinning their hopes to me; i don’t like people to expect too much from me. and to be fair, i didn’t expect to like him so much. i wasn’t as eloquent as i would have liked while explaining myself. and since he caught me catching feelings, i asked if it was a problem that what i want is different than what i was originally looking for, and he said no. and that he likes me too. i told him i was at the point in the crush where i’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and he assured me there is no other shoe to worry about. i’m gonna try and trust that, though i’m still a little flustered at how expertly i’ve been perceived. i wish it was easier to trust a good thing.

[avoid-avoidance]

To nobody's surprise, I am having another PHM Thought.

These dang ideas are getting longer and longer (or maybe I'm just getting yappier and yappier?), so this one gets a read-more cut.

This requires a little bit of plot-wiggling shenanigans to set up the premise of the AU. The idea that prompted this for me was -- the Hail Mary in canon has... kind of a lot of Stuff on it, yeah? Things that might be comforting for its doomed crew, but that aren't really essential, as far as Earth knows? Who could have predicted that the crew would have any use at all for an analog clock, for example? SO--

As Earth races to save itself, as Eva Stratt pulls Ryland Grace into her orbit along with so many others with the goal of saving their species, the residents of Earth are not the only beings invested in Earth's fate. You and I don't need to know the details of exactly who else is watching; in fact, it might be safer for us not to know. For the purposes of this tale, all that matters is that they are very powerful, but they are not permitted to outright deliver Earth's salvation on a silver platter -- Earth must stand or fall by its own merits.

But they can put a finger on the scales. Just a little nudge. Depending on how things turn out, no human might ever even notice anything amiss.

In this universe, when Rocky and Grace first meet and start sharing information, Rocky grills Grace for much longer with questions about Grace's ship. Something about it seems to... almost unnerve him? Grace just chalks that up to the whole idea of "traveling in an aluminum ship filled with oxygen" for an Eridian, and carries on.

Much of the plot of PHM as we know it does not change. Rocky acts a little twitchier when he first moves into the Hail Mary, and he sets up one or two odd-looking monitoring instruments inside his xenonite enclosure that Grace can't make heads or tails of from what he can see from outside. But in the end, Grace and Rocky are both aboard the Hail Mary and headed for Erid, modified Taumoeba and all.

One 'evening' by the Hail Mary's clock, Grace and Rocky get into an argument. The details aren't especially important; the two have been friends and shipmates for long enough now to figure out pretty quick that the disagreement is just a product of stress over Grace's steadily-decreasing food stores. Grace had spent the whole 'day' in fruitless attempts to coax new generations of Taumoeba into producing anything remotely like a vitamin or human-essential mineral, and he is just grumpy grumpy grumpy.

As the argument is dying down, one of those strange little devices sitting on Rocky's side of the xenonite walls suddenly goes nuts. Rocky instantly hurries over to prod and fuss over the little machine that's rattling and whistling and shrieking at him, while Grace claps his hands over his ears. He has no idea how that sound can get through the xenonite and still be so piercing that it feels like it's driving a spike right into the side of his head.

Seeking a bit of distance from that terrible noise, Grace shuffles quickly out of the lab and makes his way into the Hail Mary's storage compartments. The sound is a little more muffled in there -- enough to be bearable. As he lowers his hands and looks around, he reflects that maybe he hasn't been quite as organized in here as he should have been. Rocky's xenonite tunnel system only extends into a small corner of this area, which Rocky mostly uses for his own storage -- so although Rocky might badger Grace about keeping the lab and the dormitory tidy, Grace's part of this space receives no such bossy oversight.

Just as Grace goes to sit down cross-legged on the floor and wait out whatever Rocky's instrument is doing, something odd catches his eye. Okay, so maybe he's a bit messy when left to himself, but he DOES at least know what's supposed to be in here. It is, after all, rather important to the joint "Get To Erid" mission that Grace keep track of his vital supplies. And that box, that one right there? It looks just like every other storage box around it, but Grace would swear that it wasn't there before.

Grace walks over and unseals the box. He flips open the lid, picks out one item from within, and stares.

This container is packed to the brim with rectangular jars full of all kinds of vitamin gummies.

Slowly, Grace feels his legs give out beneath him and he drops to the floor, eyes darting between the jar in his hand and the inside of the box in disbelief.

The gummies are even his favorite flavor.

[vivs-07]

Hii

[dreemmachine]

after my little cry, v came over and we smoked a joint and watched game changer and laughed a lot. love her <3

and j got back to me and suggested we facetime tomorrow, so that’s cool. still feeling sort of insecure there, but a lil comforted.

sigh. pms is wild. i’m coming up on 2 years on low dose T and my periods have been fucking miserable lately. short, but agonizing (headaches, cramps, exhaustion, bad brain stuff). i’m really torn cuz i would love to stop having periods altogether but i don’t especially wanna increase my dose. i like being a weird in-between gender creature. menstruation can suck my tiny lil dick though.

[corvikari]

In Which I Read too Much Into Fireboy and Watergirl

so I was playing fireboy and watergirl earlier on cool math games, partially because I wanted to play it with my younger brother but I also just wanted to play it for myself.

While playing a few levels by myself, I realized that for me my gender is and all gender should really be in society is like fireboy and watergirl. Each have specific tasks, each work together in completing one goal, nothing is easier for the other party, and they both individual limitations. I am aware I’m reading way too much into this but this is my first tumblr vent since starting college I think so stay with me.

How I see my gender is the same as this concept, both have limitations. In my case being biologically a woman is..being biologically a woman.. menstrual cycles and all that comes with it, a body shape that I simultaneously am unhappy with but also can and do look good in/take pride in. Presenting as a man also has its limitations, I can’t do it in my own home and nor can I permanently change anything about myself (parents would question it).

I think of myself as both, which is weird saying that because I really don’t care in the grand scheme of things. I’m really just whatever because of society at this point, in my personal life I’ll just switch it up at random to whatever is more comedically appropriate and attuned to what I’m feeling in the moment (in referring to myself as gender), presentation wise I’ve done a great job of amassing a wardrobe that goes both ways (without being too obvious to my parents) and also no ways (androgynous).

To me gender is exactly what I pointed out above, each have specific tasks but at the same difficulty level, working together to complete one goal, and they each have a similar but also individual limitations. To me this is also how it SHOULD be in society, abolish different gender activities and the godforsaken pink tax.

Also, to end off the post on a completely silly and nonsensical note, as I was playing the phrase also appeared inside my brain ‘inside you there are two genders: one a sentient little fire dude, the other an ambiguously gendered sentient water guy with a ponytail’ and yeah maybe switch the elements out a bit to be more accurate with space but yeah that’s me and those are my genders :]