Long Dream [6/7]
Series: Joker Game
Characters: Hatano/Jitsui
Rating: G
Summary: Hatano wasn’t one to read shoujo manga, but there was something familiar about this mangaka named Kunio.
Words: 4504
Notes: Modern AU/Reincarnation AU; Spin off to Déjà Vu (KamiMiyo); Phew, glad I managed to get this up before the year ended...!! Certainly less action packed than the last chapter but finally leading up to the finale haha
ko-fi // Ch. 1 | Ch. 2 | Ch. 3 | Ch. 4 | Ch. 5 | You can read this on AO3! Thank you guys so much for reading, I hope you all enjoy~ (*´∇｀)ノ
Ch. 6 - Jitsui III: Days of Searching
Being a spy meant constantly presenting a new act to others, a new face, a new person; even the personality he wore now as Jitsui wasn't his true one. Though as time went on, the line between his "true" self and the man named Jitsui began to blur. Eventually, distinguishing which feelings and thoughts belonged to whom became nigh impossible. He supposed it didn't matter in the long run, especially now when he was to play the role of Morishima Kunio.
Such as it was, he found himself in the library preparing for his mission. Black frames sat on the bridge of his nose, his hair had been swept to the side, and a book of myths rested in his hands. It didn't hurt to get a feel of whom Kunio was ahead of time, just like every other part he'd been told to play. Not to mention, it was easier to trick himself into thinking that he didn't care about leaving the building and the people in it -- one man in particular -- if he was someone else.
Of course, he shouldn't have forgotten how persistent some people could be. He heard the footsteps behind him a little too late, something he mentally reprimanded himself for, but nonetheless braced himself for the "sneak attack." There was only one person he knew who would do such a thing, anyways, without fearing the consequences.
"Boo," Hatano said at the same time his hands slammed onto his shoulders. Jitsui jumped at the sudden contact but that was the only reaction he allowed.
"Can't you let me have my fun?" He heard the annoyance in Hatano's voice as he moved to take a seat beside him, but he knew him well enough to know that he wasn't actually angry.
"You're starting to sound like Kaminaga," Jitsui teased, a smirk on his lips.
"That's an insult if I've heard one." Scoffing, Hatano rested his hands behind his head.
"Don't worry, you're a lot more tolerable."
"Gee," he said, sarcasm dripping in his tone. "Thanks."
They fell into a lull of silence, not that Jitsui minded much considering this would be one of his last moments with him (For a while, he reminded himself, trying not to dwell on bad outcomes; he trusted himself, he trusted him, he trusted them ). Any time spent with Hatano was like a blessing with that notion in mind. It was funny, now that he thought about it, how quickly he'd grown attached to Hatano. He hadn't anticipated befriending anyone considering that this was a spy training facility. They were only supposed to be allies to each other and nothing more, and that was just how Jitsui intended on using Hatano and the others. Ironically, he'd never felt closer to anyone before joining D-Agency, nor did he ever feel... such intimate feelings towards someone. He'd once deemed relationships of any sort meaningless, but in times like these, he began to wonder how he'd gone without them.
"The glasses look suits you," Hatano said, breaking his thoughts.
"You think so?" As much as he appreciated the compliment, Jitsui took them off and ran a hand through his hair. He had no need for an act around Hatano, anyways.
"Mhm, fits a bookworm like you." Hatano's eyes drifted to the book on his lap. "Mythology, though? Didn't think you were into that stuff."
"Oh, I'm not." He was erring on the side of carelessness, sharing classified information, but Jitsui often made exceptions for Hatano. "But Kunio is."
There was a slight pause as Hatano let what he'd said sink in, no doubt having already solved the meaning behind it.
"Yeah?" Hatano said, putting two-and-two together. "Then what does Kunio think of it?"
"Enjoyable, but you probably wouldn't be interested."
"I'll take your word on that, but --" Without warning, Hatano took the glasses and put them on his own face, pushing his bangs up to change his appearance. It was strange, indeed, but he couldn't say he looked bad. "-- maybe Shimano would."
That name, too, was unfamiliar to Jitsui, but he didn't need any explanation as to whom it was. Seeing as this was how Hatano was going about it, he played along, slipping right back into his role as Kunio rather easily.
"Really?" he asked, his tone taking on a softer air.
"Try me," was Hatano -- Shimano's -- reply.
And so try Jitsui -- Kunio, rather -- did. With the introduction alone, he could tell he was already losing Hatano's interest despite how well he acted otherwise. Truthfully speaking, these types of tales weren't Jitsui's cup of tea either, but there was some appeal to story of Osiris and Isis. Perhaps he'd gotten softer during the course of his studies, but Isis' struggles managed to shrill out some sympathy from him. It was a harrowing affair, losing Osiris and having to track down all the pieces of his dismembered body, only to lose him once more as he'd become Death itself as soon as she'd found him again. The whole story left a bitter taste in Jitsui's mouth, though at the same time, it drew him in. As he'd been reading it, he couldn't help but imagine what he'd do in Isis' place, to what extent he'd go to find a loved one. Sadist he may be, but most sadists had a masochistic streak as well, didn't they?
"You were right," Hatano said when he'd finished recounting the myth. He took the glasses off and shook his hair back in place, and there was the Hatano he knew. "I didn't care at all."
"Shimano was the one listening," Jitsui said matter-of-factly. He held back a chuckle as Hatano gave him a look. "What did he think of it?"
Hatano hummed, drumming his fingers against the back of his head. It was rather cute, Jitsui mused, how he pretended to be thinking of an appropriate answer.
"Searching for a lost lover seems like a waste of time, doesn't it?" He shrugged. "Sure Isis brought Osiris back, but what's the point if they're going to be separated again?"
Hearing his answer, Jitsui wondered how much of Shimano was in that reply and how much of Hatano was in it.
"It depends on how you look at it."
"Wow," Hatano said, dragging the word out. "Didn't realize you were a romantic deep down inside."
Jitsui didn't respond immediately, somewhat stunned to hear that spoken out loud. If he had to be honest, he didn't realize so either. Once he would've scorn the sentiment, but as a spy, he'd learned how to adapt -- even if it meant accepting feelings he shouldn't have in the first place.
"I'd do the same," he finally said. Though posed hypothetically, they both knew exactly what he meant. "Wouldn't you?"
Hatano stayed silent for a moment, their eyes meeting, as if trying to find a lie in his words.
"Careful," Hatano said after some time. "Someone might think you're actually capable of love." And though he meant it as a jest, Jitsui knew his feelings were mutual.
Jitsui smiled, one that Hatano returned. Yes, their time together was limited, but Jitsui -- the man he'd become and embraced -- was a rather simple man. Having Hatano by his side was all he needed, and he'd do anything for that.
Upon first impression, many would describe Jitsui as calm, level-headed, and demure among other saintly adjectives. They always saw him as an angel, the picture of what a perfect gentleman should be. Little did they know that couldn't possibly be further from the truth, his sadistic, stubborn side coming to light as one got to know him better.
And now was one of his stubborn moments.
As sensible as he tried to be, there was no way he could sit back and let things happen -- especially with what was at stake. Maybe it was the shoujo mangaka inside him taking over, but he knew deep in his heart that Hatano would've waited for him, if not outright taken the situation into his own hands. In his ideal fantasies, things would've gone smoothly; he and Hatano would've been together by now, and he wouldn't be pacing a hole out on the sidewalk contemplating his next move. Though Jitsui didn't consider himself much of an optimist, he never imagined that the meeting yesterday would've gone that badly.
That was, unless, if Hatano hadn't gotten his letter.
Jitsui wasn't quick to anger, but the very thought of it made his blood boil because it was looking more and more plausible. He knew that making assumptions wasn't good either, but what little he saw of Hatano's father was enough to tell him that there was nothing good going on with him.
Nonetheless, Jitsui wouldn't let this deter him; his pride nor his stubbornness simply wouldn't let him. And, pardon the wishful thinking, maybe this time Hatano would answer the door. As he made his way back to Hatano's apartment, Jitsui comforted himself with those pretty thoughts. Doing otherwise would only make the seeds of hesitation grow more and more.
Unfortunately, reality wasn't like his shoujo mangas where everything would fall into place right after the conflict. What greeted him at the door were not those droopy, brown eyes he'd come to adore in his previous lifetime but the sharp ones he'd come to loathe in less than twenty-four hours. Come what may, he'd have to keep his cool lest things continue falling in a downward spiral and that was the last thing he wanted.
"Good afternoon," Jitsui said in the most sickeningly sweet voice as possible.
Mr. Ryosuke's response was to click his tongue. Jitsui resisted the impulse to strangle him right there and then.
"You again."
"Yes, it's me again." Though he kept his tone polite, even he couldn't bother to hide his annoyance. "You said Hatano would be around later and since it's later, I was wondering if he was around?"
Already expecting a negative response, Jitsui peeked through the space between the door in search for any sign of Hatano.
"Sorry, kid. He's not here."
"Then," he said, eyes still surveying the room. It seemed as though Mr. Ryosuke's words were correct, but Jitsui knew not to take things at face value. "Could you tell me when he'll be back -- exactly ?"
"I wouldn't be able to tell you," Mr. Ryousuke said, only irritating Jitsui even more. "He's back when he's back. Now leave."
He moved to close the door, but Jitsui was quicker. He stepped forward, not only preventing the door from closing but also giving him a better view of the inside. His stomach dropped when he didn't see anything of importance, but then he caught sight of black fur poking out from the hallway. Jumping to conclusions was foolish, he knew, but he couldn't help but wonder.
"I'm sorry, but --"
The tuft of black fur moved forward, yellow eyes meeting his.
A cat. A black cat with yellow eyes that seemed all too familiar. His heart lurched at the sight of it, though he could only guess whom it was. He could only spend so much time dwelling on the matter, however, having been pushed back and pinned down with sharp eyes.
"I said leave."
With that, the door was slammed into his face but Jitsui didn't find himself as frustrated as he'd been earlier, surprisingly enough. The desire to murder Hatano's father still lingered, but he needed to use his calculation skills for something else for now. Never before had he felt so much hope because of a cat of all things, but the sight of the feline sent his brain thinking. Surely, there was another way; surely, he would get to Hatano -- somehow, some place.
If he couldn't get in the directly, then Jitsui would just have to take another route. Based on his observations, the fire escape ran down the balconies in the back of the building. And if his guess was correct, then one of the entrances was on Hatano's floor. Whether or not it was outside Hatano's room was another question he had yet to figure out, but he supposed he would be finding the answer to that very soon.
Finding the fire escape wasn't difficult. One would have to be an incompetent fool not to notice the shoot. No, it was the matter of climbing up the shoot. As much as he hated to admit it, he wasn't as fit as he used to be. He didn't really have reason to keep up a rigorous training regimen in this life nor did he find it necessary. Nevertheless, up was the only way to go, to Hatano, so up he would go.
The first few steps were clumsy, his feet slipping up and his grip on the walls loose, but he found his stride eventually. Soon enough, he reached the top but all that met him was the trap door. He hadn't thought it would be a problem, but he bit back a curse on his tongue when he pushed up on it to no avail. The damn thing certainly didn't appear to be so heavy. Regardless, he gave it another push, stronger this time, but that proved useless as well.
He'd already made it this far, so no way was he going to turn back now. Despite the cramp in his legs and the strain on his arm holding his body up, he kept banging and banging on the door until he budged it open. How great would it be if that'd been it -- Hatano would be waiting for him on the other side and they'd be together again.
But there was nothing. As far as his eyes could go, he couldn't see any other person. He couldn't hear anything either except for the afternoon breeze of spring. The balcony was empty, as well as the messy room connected to it --
Meow.
-- or perhaps there was something. His eyes flew to the source of the noise and landed on a black cat, which appeared to be the same one that he'd seen yesterday. The cat drew nearer as he hauled himself up, circling him and scrutinizing him. By all means, he should've hurried on inside. The balcony door was slightly ajar, presenting the perfect opportunity to go inside, but for some reason, he sat still on the edge. When the cat had finished its inspection, its yellow eyes met his and Jitsui knew this couldn't be a coincidence. Seeing that the cat wouldn't hurt him, Jitsui decided to test out his theory.
"Yoru...?"
At that, the cat -- Yoru -- meowed, his ears faced forward and tail straight up, quivering. Well, Jitsui thought, so it seemed that cats indeed had nine lives. Though he couldn't claim to be extremely close to Yoru in the previous life, he couldn't help but feel nostalgic at the sight. Allowing himself an instance of compassion, he scratched the underside of Yoru's neck before standing up proper.
"So then Hatano should be inside..." Jitsui thought aloud, not expecting an answer but finding some comfort in having a companion. But as he neared the door, he felt Yoru's paws on his ankles as if stopping him. He tried again only up be met with a similar response, even side stepping here and there but Yoru matched his steps.
He huffed, but it'd be shameful if he let his temper out on a cat. Counting to ten, Jitsui bent down so that he was eye level with Yoru. There was a reason they'd let him roam around in the Greater East Asia Cultural Society. Hopefully, nothing about that had changed.
"Yoru," he said, calling his attention. On one hand, Jitsui couldn't believe he was about to question a cat; on the other hand, this couldn't possibly be the most farfetched thing he'd come up with considering he was a shoujo mangaka. "Sway your tail once for 'yes' and twice for 'no.' Do you understand?"
Truly, he'd expected a null answer but thankfully, Yoru's tail swayed once.
"Is everything okay?"
Yoru hesitated, his tail still as if pondering the question. After a moment, his tail swayed 'no.' Jitsui's blood ran cold.
"Hatano is inside, right?"
One sway.
"What about his father?"
Yoru's tail swayed vigorously, accompanied by a hiss. Jitsui's lip twitched in frustration, taking a peek indoors once again. No wonder Yoru had tried stopping him from getting inside. It'd be a disaster if he'd caught him. Still, things couldn't be as simple as that. He tapped his foot furiously against the balcony floor, pondering the their circumstances. Inside the room, post-it notes were tacked onto various surfaces -- the walls, the books, even the headboard of the bed -- alongside forgotten, misplaced things. If he squinted hard enough, he could make out the characters on the notes. From that which he could see: "letter"? The gears in his head began spinning.
"Yoru, do you know if a letter I sent arrived here?"
Yoru's tail swayed once. All right, so the problem didn't lie there.
"Did Hatano get it?"
Two sways, to which Jitsui let out a swear. It was times like these that he hated being right. Even so, what was he to do about it? He couldn't send another one without the possibility of it getting intercepted again nor could he sneak in without fear of getting caught.
Then again, maybe he didn't have to do anything.
"Do you know where it is?"
Yoru's tail swayed twice, but Jitsui didn't let that discourage him too much. Judging by this interaction alone, Yoru seemed intelligent enough to follow through with his plans.
"Do you think you can find it then? And if you do, could you show it to Hatano?"
Without hesitation, Yoru meowed whilst his tail swayed ‘yes.’ It really wasn't much, he figured, relying on a cat of all things, but he felt some relief. As he pet Yoru, he knew still that he couldn't grow lax here. Even if Yoru managed to get the letter to Hatano, there was still the matter of meeting him. He still had his fair share of work to handle and Jitsui wasn't one to slack off.
Waking from his memory-dreams oft left Jitsui with feelings of nostalgia and tranquility, the fleeting moments of yesteryears ringing throughout his mind. But today, when he woke up, the icy feeling of dread washed over his body. And such was a feeling he didn't like one bit. Especially not when he'd dreamed of one of the moments he shared with Hatano before their goodbyes.
Perhaps it was just the stress of everything going on. Ever since he'd given Yoru his task, he'd yet to make progress on his end. It was much like trying to grab hold of sand -- the grains continuously slipping through his fingers no matter how much of it he grabbed. He didn't believe in any higher beings nor fate, but if they did exist, it was almost like they purposely found obstacles to get in his way. Every time he thought he'd managed to catch Hatano, something always drove Hatano further and further away.
Try as he might to ignore superstition, he couldn't help but grow dismayed as the days passed. Still, there was something Jitsui felt like he needed to do despite everything that had happened. For some reason or another, his gut told him to take the direct approach today. Meaning, go right up to the front door of Hatano's apartment. He hadn't forgotten his two previous failures already, but it wasn't like any other way was working out either. After all, the saying "third time's the charm" must have held some sort of merit and so, figuring he had nothing else to lose, Jitsui followed his instincts.
He found himself in front of the door sooner than he expected, the white door staring him in the face. He raised his hand to ring the doorbell, only to find himself hesitating.
Nervousness wasn't something he experienced often, not to sound too prideful or boastful. Of course, he had his fair bouts of it every now and then, but his belief in his skills had always won over. Mayhaps it was an advantage of remembering one's past life, that he was so sure he could do everything all over again. But he'd never encountered anything like this before, all things considered. It was only human to fear the unknown, but it was times like this he wished he'd be more akin to the monsters that Sakuma had called the spies so many years ago. A monster didn't fear nor doubt; a monster would've gotten what it wanted by now.
Unfortunately, in this reality, he was very much human. He feared, he doubted, he'd yet to make his peace. But it was those same fears that pushed him forward now, that lead him on to Hatano's place. As nerve wracking as it was to be so close yet so far away, he would only hate himself if he did nothing about it.
Ignoring every doubt that screamed in his mind, Jitsui rang the doorbell and counted the seconds that passed.
Heartbeats reverberating throughout his eardrums was a sensation he thought only happened in fiction, but he figured by now he should've learned that art mimicked reality. He willed himself to stand still as he waited for the door to open, feeling the urge to pace around. It only intensified as he finally heard the latch being unchained and the lock opening. He braced himself for more disappointment, that hope would only aggravate him even more. Still, as the door swung opened, he held his breath and --
Time stopped when their eyes met.
It took a few moments for Jitsui to process the sight before him, unsure if he was still dreaming or not. All this life, Hatano had just been a fragment of the past -- only tangible through his memories and dreams. But looking at him now, he was just as he remembered him, every single feature from head to toe. Even in this lifetime, he was shorter than him, and he still had that middle part in his hair that framed his face nicely, and those droopy brown eyes that bore into his soul, and the cute, button nose that he'd grown to adore. All these little details were exactly that same as he remembered that it was almost as if they'd never parted ways in the first place. It took all of his will power not to take Hatano into his arms and hold him close, but even a part of him feared that he'd disappear if he did just that.
"Hatano?" Jitsui managed to spit out, the name but a breath on his tongue.
Hatano didn't respond immediately, his eyes widened as if, too, in shock. Jitsui remained silent and still, letting Hatano take his time. As uncertain as Hatano looked, their gazes met again, and there was that light of recognition in his eyes and that, for Jitsui, was enough.
"Jit --"
All of a sudden, Jitsui's collar hit his neck, choking him as he was pulled back. His mind scrambled, trying to figure out what was happening, but there could only be one answer to that question.
"Excuse me." Just the sound of that man's voice grated his nerves. Reminding himself that murder was illegal, Jitsui whipped around quickly to face Mr. Ryousuke but he was already halfway through the door. "We're not having visitors right now."
The door slammed in his face but after all that had happened, he wouldn't let that stop him. He ran back towards the door -- towards Hatano -- and began pounding against it with all his might. The rational part of his mind knew it wouldn't accomplish much, but it was the only thing he could think of to do in a rush. Under the midst of all the force, the hinges of the door loosened though not enough to get him in. Seeing that was the case, he finally let his arms take a rest, paying little attention to the soreness in his hands and arms. He didn't know how long he'd been there, but as he pressed his ears against the door he heard only silence. That, to him, was much more disturbing than the yelling he anticipated.
He needed to get in. Or, at the very least, he needed to know if Hatano was okay.
Not wasting a single second, Jitsui hurried to the back of the building. Quickly locating the fire escape shoot, he climbed his way up. How funny it was that what once seemed daunting was effortless in the midst of a matter. The only thing -- annoyance, rather -- was the weight of the trap door once he'd reached the top, but even he managed to swing it open in his hurry. Hauling himself up, he quickly assessed the scene.
Only the sounds of the wind gushing by greeted him up there. The balcony was empty, as was the room connected to it, much like it had been a couple days ago. This time around, though, the door was shut close and not even Yoru was around. Peering inside, he tried to make out some semblance of life. Surely someone had to be inside. But then again, a lot could have happened in the time he'd spent trying to get here. Light poured in from the living room to the hallway and the door on the other end was closed tight. An argument or a fight, Jitsui could deal with, but the lack of activity was sending him on the edge.
He gripped the balcony door handle, but it didn't budge. He huffed in frustration, telling himself not to do anything rash. He then patted his pockets and scoured the balcony for anything he could use a pick lock, but as was the theme for today, there was nothing. It would have been easy to just punch the glass and break in but he didn't want to draw too much attention nor cause any more problems on top of this one.
Nevertheless, spending any more time here would be a waste. The sun was steadily falling west and glancing at his watch told him that it was already evening. He hadn't even realized he'd spent most of his time out here, having missed a few calls from Gamou and some texts from Odagiri when he checked his phone. But then again, he thought, what was there to do? Perhaps the silence meant that Hatano had left. But if he did, then where to? He hadn't the faintest clue, but he berated himself for even thinking of giving up. It might've just been a thought of false hope, but that thought was better than what he wanted to imagine what Hatano was going through at home.
Sometimes hope was all he had, and that hope was better than nothing. With that in mind, Jitsui set off again. Hatano had to be somewhere . He would be damned if he let things end like this.