#> vent

[bloody-bang]

This hasn't been the first time my masculine shifts in gender has been met with "turn it down" in some way and its not even about how my voice carries more with being lower pitched.

[musicmutt]

[kalvanreaped]

Y'know, just hopping on here again after a lil while. I have something to say / figure out about being Ashlyn Banner from SBG ... I'm just kinda ranting on about my inner feelings & identity and I'm not sure what's going on. I feel like I need to write and here I am.

However, before I get into all that — I do not ask any commentary on this. Please do not reblog this with commentary about me or what I should be or you think I might be. Do not compare my experience from a vent to post to your own, I am not comfortable with that.

Bc like, I know that identity to me it's alterhumanity based or rooted in alterhumanity for me but at the same time if I call it a kin I will lose my goddamn mind bc it doesn't feel real anymore after that.

As if, referring to my identity about being Ashlyn as alterhumanity just shuts it out as a possibility. Ash is me, I am ash and ash is me. That's a plainly obvious fact to me, I feel like I'm physically Ashlyn in a more apocalyptic sense. I feel twisted by it and it lwk hurts my own feelings if I call myself an Ash fictionkin lol.

It's because of Ash I want to have my hair in a way that I can have long braids — more like rattail braids in my case. But braids nonetheless. I need to change myself physically, I feel like I'm constantly at an disadvantage. That I'm having a hard time being ME. I have this deep searing burn inside me that I need to be something other than I am now, call that an atypical dysphoria case with me. That I want, nah, I fucking NEED TO PHYSICALLY BE Ash. We fit into a mold and break it as one, WE ARE ONE AND THE SAME, there is no separate krisse and Ash. THERE IS Only ASH in a real life sense.

I don't know what's happening on my behalf, but I am ash and that's final. I feel like her, I know I'm her and that's throwing me off so much because its the first time I'm feeling like this about anything in my lifetime. At this point I've been referring to myself as Ash in an actual identity card-way, I do not identify with her as a fictionkin, however I do identify with her in a transspecies way that's what I can describe it as but at the same time I feel like I still need to separate it into an actual identity.

Saying I'm Ashlyn banner fictionkin, alterhuman, or transspecies makes me uneasy to the point that I'd rather claw my throat raw instead and dig my voice box up so I may not utter such words anymore.

I am simply just Ash, and I feel so fucking lonely without my friends, my family. But even then, I know I don't desire to have a friend group — it's busy not how I'm built. There is a deep longing for that connection, but I cannot do it.

However, thank you.

[bloody-bang]

Please fucking tell me its NOT becoming a trend for some folks in the cripplepunk community saying that IGM on intersex people somehow CAN'T disable those people. Because I'm gonna fucking lose my mind at what I saw. Fucking claiming being mutilated can't cause disability and death to someone who may have not been disabled before or like That if they got a chance to grow up as healthily as possible. I'm fucking tired of intersexism.

STFU about shit you never went through and eat hot coals while we dance and piss on your graves for being such a shitty human being to those in your community.

[bloody-bang]

I'm stressed and stressed and picking and a bit twitchy and having localized seizures from stress tjebfbsbfbsbf I hope that this kid that runs this house is happy because I wish for her to get karma calling.

[bloody-bang]

Not me being autistic and low/no empathy just sitting here and being told I'm "so empathetic". Lol. No. I don't feel what others feel, unless you count characters. I don't have empathy hardly at all and it pisses me off because I worked on my compassion and sympathy so I can hear and help others effectively.

[bloody-bang]

I GOT THE JOB! <3