A Cynical Horoscope from 1979
( Taken from this brutally passive aggressive breakdown of the zodiac from 1979. Fair warning, while these are pretty funny they are also very... very mean. This guy was a real asshole; please don’t take any of this to heart. )
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18) ~ You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you’re stupid. Everyone thinks you’re a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20) ~ You have a vivid imagination and often think you are followed by the FBI or CIA. You have no influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence an are generally a dipshit.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) ~ You are the pioneer type and think that most people are dickheads. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20) ~ You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination to work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. Your nothing but a dam communist.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20) ~ You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard/bitch.
Cancer (June 2 – July 22) ~ You are sympathetic and understanding of people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a cancer.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) ~ You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most leos are bullies. You are vain and can’t tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving and mother fuckers and spend most of their time kissing mirrors.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) ~ You are the logical type and hate discord. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You’re unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos are good bus drivers and p i m p s.
Libra (Sept23 – Oct 22) ~ You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are nil. Most libra women are whores. All libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Now 21) ~ The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and can’t be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most scorpios are murderers.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21) ~ You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of sagittarians are drunks. Nixon is a sagittarian. You are not worth the time of day.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) ~ You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
