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*bounces onto dashboard* it is me. @somekindcfhero has awoken sammy muse by showing up on the dash and honestly it’s been a while since i’ve played sammy. I honestly don’t know if i can sam anymore but sam is here? come wake him up??? Help me???
Today I’m grateful for the fact that there exists a Grace that is higher and more pure than myself. I can’t put into words how grateful I am that God’s grace is transforming me when I can’t do it for myself. Because often I feel so inadequate and unable to do anything, and then He reminds me that He’s got this, and things get lighter. I don’t feel so heavy anymore. My mentality changes from “I can’t move my feet today everything is so hard” to “You know what? I’ve got this!” And that’s so heartening to me. The love of God is so powerful it takes my breath and my very words away until I can’t speak and I love that because it’s His way of saying “You don’t have to speak. I know what you’re trying to say. And I’ve got your back.”
“There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you!”
somekindcfhero && hellclaimed
Indie Sam & Dean Winchester RP Blogs
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I'm going to start a thing. Positivity type thing. Repost to your blog if you get tagged! Follow the format: I am (fill in this blank) because you were (fill in this blank). We did something this morning that inspired me to do it here for this community. So I'll start with two people: @cary-onmywaywardson Cary, I am stronger now because you were someone I met when I was younger that helped shape who I am today. @seesgood Lia, I am a more positive person because you were always uplifting to everyone around you from the moment we met and I'm so glad to have met you. So, if I tag you you can repost and do it or choose not to but I thought we needed some positivity.
Morning loves! I love all of you you're amazing okay? I'm in a good mood and will probably be on later today!
Okay, So i feel like I need to explain what’s going down that’s kept me away for two reasons: 1) i trust you guys and you’ve always given me good advice, I think all of you are just a truly exemplary section of the SPN family and I love you all. and 2) I need to vent and get this off my chest and tell it to people who care.
So, it’s been a few days since I’ve been on. Mainly for personal reasons that have to do with anxiety and depression and dealing with my family. Yesterday my parents broached the topic of my grades and my life and how they want me to really buckle down and do well this semester. I want to do better too, but for way different reasons. Anyway, mostly it boils down to “Do better or you’re living at home the next year of school.” But a bigger more broad part of that is the fear my parents have of me not being able to get a job. I’m pursuing an English degree, and I want to work in film by writing screenplays for television or movies as well as maybe directing (for tv). My parents hold to the philosophy that a job is only to put food on the table and you can do your “hobby” while having another job to put food on the table.
Personally, I know that writing takes everything you’ve got and if you’re working in an office somewhere you’re more than likely too pooped every day to give it all you’ve got for your creative energy, which as I’m sure most of you know takes a good deal of energy to write and give it good effort and go over it and make it polished and perfect. I think that’s a bullshit line of reasoning and know for a fact that you can have a job you love and have fulfillment out of that because you love what you do every day. I struggle with anxiety and depression as well as having diagnosed ADHD-- for me a job needs to be something I’m passionate about and do every day that makes me happy or I’m more likely to just lay in bed and not attend it. A bad job for me that doesn’t fit me and that I hate will only exacerbate my conditions and make things worse. But it doesn’t square with what my parents see a job as being. Fulfillment doesn’t equal a job in their eyes and it takes a sidecar to the breadwinner job. I don’t understand how you can not see a job as something that can make you happy and improve quality of life.
They don’t struggle with the problems I do, so I know that’s probably part of it-- not knowing what it feels like to be in that sinkhole of depression and need something to motivate you to put those feet on the floor every day. But whenever I think of being on a set and doing what I love and how good it will work out given my faith in God to see things through it makes me the happiest person. Happiness is a hard emotion to come by (at least in its truest form) when you have depression. It’s what I’m using as a guideline that i’m headed in the right direction with this career and planning for this. But I need an internship or something for the summer or a job or something because My dad is threatening to use his connections at the hospital to get me another boring soul sucking office job this summer if I can’t find something on my own.
This is where you come in. I need advice. Does anyone know of any good internships or have any advice? I’m going to apply a second time in March for the disney college program so that’s a semester at least of work for me if i get accepted that will hopefully put my parents at ease some, but it won’t come until the fall semester so I’d have the summer to need a job for. Campus jobs are hard to come by so I won’t have much luck there, and I really don’t want to work somewhere like Mcdonald’s or a fast food place, because I need to feel safe in my work environment. A huge part of this for me is not conforming to what my parents see me as or what they want me to be. AN office job even for two months or three is playing right into what they want, and they’ve already given the spiel about how at one point or other they both worked at fast food places and so I just don’t feel good inside about having a job there right now.
I guess on a bigger note, I have a couple questions that I’m upset about. -- Why can’t they see they’ve raised someone smart who has faith and trust guiding her? -- Why are they so dead set on raising me encouraging me to dream and then trying to turn around twenty years of raising me that way in a few months? -- Where’s the trust? It’s basically nonexistent here if they keep trying to talk me into office jobs and trying to impose their belief that a job is only for food. My dad mentioned that like four times in one conversation, I feel like it’s bordering on brainwashing now. --Why do i keep letting the fact that I’m financially dependent on them for my college degree and my phone and internet and car payments get so in the way of myself pursuing this and telling them essentially to shove off and trust me on this?
I’ve still got some errands to do so I’ve got to leave this here for now, but input and advice is appreciated. I know some of you are parents or teachers or work with people my age and can see it from both sides, so help me out if you can.
Sorry I've been kinda dead recently. I've been working through some stuff and some of it involves not being here for a few days. That being said please tag me in starters and things because I miss y'all and want my sammy back. @somekindcfhero I see you tagging me in things. I haven't forgotten you bby I would never. Also: I will eventually change my blog back but my icons are at the dorm for another week so it'll be after New Years before I can do that and get rid of Christmas.
The band is playing Christmas carols in chapel today but right now they're warming up and I'm so overstimulated first thing in the morning.
