I was cleaning my phone and I found some letters I’ve started to write to you but never finish and never send them. So now, I would like to share them with you.
First, there’s this from 19th May 2018:
“There’s a long time I wrote you last time. I’m so much better, depression is officially out of my life.”
And also this from 11th december 2018:
“It’s been more than one year last time I wrote you. I don’t know if you remember my last letter but I thanked you for helped me hold on and I said I was so much better and I didn’t cut myself barely one year. Well, two months ago I almost killed myself and cut myself again. I thought I was 200% okay, but now I can’t celebrate 2 years without selfharm this month. It hurts me so bad that I did it again.
I’m feeling so lonely last weeks, like I’m on my own don’t matter where, even in my own house. I can’t call it home anymore, I fell like I don’t belong there or anywhere. I fell I can’t breathe and I’d suffocate any moment. I’m feeling like shit, like I…”
It’s been a while since all of these. So much has changed until now. Actually I’m living just with ma crazy and lovely ancient dog (Lizze), my family have moved out to others states, but we’re in contact constantly. I’m doing my second postgraduate, trying to do my best and possible as a person and also as a nurse acting in this chaotic times. Dammit! There’s this neverending pandemia, this stupid government in my country. I’m exhausted, I don’t see my friends more than an year, I miss so badly enjoy concerts and be able to just go out and do anything else or whatever. And I miss not fearing all the time and feel bad constantly for things I completely can’t change.
Last year I started to look for my life, my relationship with me, specially with food and my body. It’s been a rough ride, mainly understanding all the impacts from racism on me and who I become. What from who I am is genuinely me and what is just a mechanism of surviving through all these shits? Right now, I’m completely failing, I barely can look at me in the mirror, but I hope I can love myself very soon. I won’t give up on me!
Oh, Charlie! I have so much to say, to tell you, but I think this letter is already too big. It’s always great write to you, makes me feel so good. Hope you aren’t bored with my stuffs, ‘cause I will back soon!
And one more time, thank you!
