Send “Grief” for a drabble about my muse grieving when yours has died.
I suggest listening to this if you want more feels
Thismessenger should not be standing in front of her. Not with a broken bow. Notwith his pack and all of his things. This was some sort of sick joke. Her browfurrowed, her expression hardened and she snatched his thingsaway. “You’re wrong!” She shouted at the poor soul who had to inform herof her companion’s passing. Within that moment, the woman had taken off down adifferent corridor. And in that little burst of her grief, did the world seemto just fall apart around her. For a moment she stopped, her body curling overitself as she lifted Beleg’s possessions so she could hide her face, the tearsflowing without hesitation.
She muffled her sobs into the pack, not wantinganyone to hear how much grief she was truly in. She couldn’t afford to be sad. Everyonehad a job to do…hers was to ensure the people that everything would befine…that it was the guards job tosacrifice themselves.
But how could she be? All she wanted to do was be selfish andcry…because she loved oneof those who died…just like everyone else. Someone who had passed in theirpatrol was someone’s loved one…how could she stand there and not breakdown?
Finduilas held everything tight in her arms, her feet carryingher towards their chambers, her back pressed against the wood to close it untilshe heard it click shut. Her blue orbs looked around the room they had shared.Each of their taste decorating every wall, corner, and window. All of thisempty space was now suffocating, and she didn’t think the feeling would ever goaway.
She reached behind her andturned the lock until the loud ‘thud’ washeard, and then, she slid down the door until she was seated, and once more,curled into a ball, holding his things tight within her arms. No longer wouldhe teach her to use this bow…no longer would they spar in the ring. No morereading at night. No more kisses goodnight. No more fighting over what to do orwhat to eat, or anything in between. She didn’t know how she could get throughthe night anymore. Her heart had fallen into her stomach when the news wasgiven to her. The blonde didn’t know if she could take any more grief in herlife. It felt like everything inside of her was falling, crumbling, and fadinginto nothing.
What was there to live on fornow? They had come to Doriath…she had almost become his. Her fingers began tofiddle with the designed ring he had given her, the sorrow rising in her chestas she found herself looking down to it.
“…why couldn’t you havestayed alive…just a bit longer?” She breathed as she leaned her head backagainst the door. Fin tried to blink the tears back, fighting them with all herstrength so that she could seem strong. Now what would she do? Without him…thisnew place didn’t feel like home. Sure, his family was kind, but they were nothim…they were not the man that she had gone to bed with most every night foryears on end. She didn’t have memories with them…just knew their names andtheir faces.
She sat forwards and placedall of his things together in one pile, her hand delicately running over thewood of the bow, remembering him teaching her how to properly shoot. Theintricate little design she had placed on the edge…a charm for good luck. Shestood from her spot and moved over to the desk, her hands lay flat on thesmoothed wood, then gently unraveled some of the pages on the table. Her eyesfound every stroke of each letter, his name, letters to each other…his favoritebooks to have her read. All of it was now a painful reminder of him. Finduilasslumped down in his chair, crossed her arms on the table, and buried her facein them.
There was nothing left tofight for. Finduilas ran her hands through her hair, the anxiety continuing tobuild in her, tears continuing to flow down her cheeks.
Finduilas stood, her bodyfeeling like she was lifting the weight of the world. Everything just felt soheavy. This must be what fading felt like…she couldn’t imagine years of thisuntil it finally took her life. She knew he would not want her to be like this,but how do you go on after you lose one of the most important people of yourlife?
She carried herself over totheir bed, and with a great heaviness, Fintuilasse crawled onto his side andpulled the covers over herself and silently lay there. His cologne was laced inwith the sheets, and it aided her slightly, but not much. Maybe this would help…maybe it would be as if he were near.Maybe just with this, she could last a while longer….
Lee Luda 🎔 Heartz Debut Journey
— Settling In + Monthly Preparations
⥽ Part 1, Part 3 ⥼
While Luda very much wished not to be alone in her first days of debut preparation and at the dorm, she was super excited for Minhee to film her music video and do photo shoots. If she wasn't so excited for Minhee to go to Paris, she could've been a little jealous of her friend. Going to Europe was a dream she's had for a long, long time. Looking at her own song, she thought it would fit beautifully with a cute Café in Italy or Austria. While she was a dreamer and secretly hoped to travel to a faraway country as well, she didn't really have any expectations. Luda still felt guilty for her little angry outburst a few days ago, when she first moved into the dorm. The guilt for feeling ungrateful made her stomach twist and she was determined to do the best she possibly could with her debut.
The self-doubts were still present, just like the disappointment that the song didn't show her voice as much as she would've hoped for. Then that made the guilt pop up again, made her feel like a silly brat that couldn't appreciate what she had as she looked at another kid's shiny toy.
Either way, said excitement was a little boost of strength to counter her insecurities, which she dearly needed. With every day that she practised her song, with every day that she imagined a different comforting scene, she came to like it a little more, came to feeling like she made it her very own. It was her debut song after all, even if it wasn't what she'd originally hoped for.
Around you had a calming quality to it, that she wished to convey to anyone who would listen to it. What a weird thought it was that someone could be sitting in a train or bus, hearing her song, looking at the light rain on a summery afternoon and the rain drops softly hitting the windows. Not in a sad way, but peaceful. The thought that someone could be calmed by it made her stomach fluttery. While practising, she imagined the kind of content, that for a few moments would let one forget all their worries, maybe live in a fantasy, just for a little while.
The lyrics, of course, would convey a different picture, and she caught herself relating to them quite a lot. If she ever was to fall in love, she surely wouldn't be brave enough to admit it to anyone either, especially not to the person that caught her attention. Not that she would have time for any of that now anyway.
As much as she wanted a different type of song to be a perfect fit for her, something more popular, more exciting, this was painted in all her colours. She decided that she would be happy, no matter what she would get. The mv filmed in whatever usual filming studio, the plainest clothes, makeup, hair... whatever, she would take it. Convincing herself didn't really work, but she would give her best, try to earnestly feel happy, because everything else felt ungrateful and only made her more miserable.
Practising wasn't easy, the coaches were stricter than ever, everything had to be undoubtedly perfect. Learning two songs plus the lines from the group performance was a new level of difficult as well. Sure, the group performance didn't take up as much time, but she didn't want to be found lacking, didn't want to give off the image that now where she'd been chosen, she wouldn't put effort in anymore.
At the same time, practising with the group... it was difficult. Looking in the other girl's eyes was difficult. She wanted to be around them, but it brought the guilt back. No one knew who'd end up in the final line-up and they were so, so much better than her, it wasn't fair for her to be chosen so early. It might not be their favourite type of song for a debut, but they still would've been in the group after all. And they surely wouldn't be as ungrateful as her.
In the second half of the month, a postcard from Minhee arrived, almost making Luda cry again, but this time from joy. Her elder friend had found just the right words to give her the reassurance she needed, even though she had no clue how Luda felt. And she would be glad to have Minhee back with her soon. It was difficult to be unable to tell anyone why she was feeling the way she was feeling, so the post card from Minhee made her feel understood without having said a single word. It was truly amazing how long they've already known each other and she remembered perfectly, how Minhee had first heard her sing quietly in the library. Just like Minhee said, she really had come a long way and changed a lot in three years. Maybe... she could do this after all.
