Lee Luda 🎔 Heartz Debut Journey
— Settling In + Monthly Preparations
⥽ Part 1, Part 3 ⥼
While Luda very much wished not to be alone in her first days of debut preparation and at the dorm, she was super excited for Minhee to film her music video and do photo shoots. If she wasn't so excited for Minhee to go to Paris, she could've been a little jealous of her friend. Going to Europe was a dream she's had for a long, long time. Looking at her own song, she thought it would fit beautifully with a cute Café in Italy or Austria. While she was a dreamer and secretly hoped to travel to a faraway country as well, she didn't really have any expectations. Luda still felt guilty for her little angry outburst a few days ago, when she first moved into the dorm. The guilt for feeling ungrateful made her stomach twist and she was determined to do the best she possibly could with her debut.
The self-doubts were still present, just like the disappointment that the song didn't show her voice as much as she would've hoped for. Then that made the guilt pop up again, made her feel like a silly brat that couldn't appreciate what she had as she looked at another kid's shiny toy.
Either way, said excitement was a little boost of strength to counter her insecurities, which she dearly needed. With every day that she practised her song, with every day that she imagined a different comforting scene, she came to like it a little more, came to feeling like she made it her very own. It was her debut song after all, even if it wasn't what she'd originally hoped for.
Around you had a calming quality to it, that she wished to convey to anyone who would listen to it. What a weird thought it was that someone could be sitting in a train or bus, hearing her song, looking at the light rain on a summery afternoon and the rain drops softly hitting the windows. Not in a sad way, but peaceful. The thought that someone could be calmed by it made her stomach fluttery. While practising, she imagined the kind of content, that for a few moments would let one forget all their worries, maybe live in a fantasy, just for a little while.
The lyrics, of course, would convey a different picture, and she caught herself relating to them quite a lot. If she ever was to fall in love, she surely wouldn't be brave enough to admit it to anyone either, especially not to the person that caught her attention. Not that she would have time for any of that now anyway.
As much as she wanted a different type of song to be a perfect fit for her, something more popular, more exciting, this was painted in all her colours. She decided that she would be happy, no matter what she would get. The mv filmed in whatever usual filming studio, the plainest clothes, makeup, hair... whatever, she would take it. Convincing herself didn't really work, but she would give her best, try to earnestly feel happy, because everything else felt ungrateful and only made her more miserable.
Practising wasn't easy, the coaches were stricter than ever, everything had to be undoubtedly perfect. Learning two songs plus the lines from the group performance was a new level of difficult as well. Sure, the group performance didn't take up as much time, but she didn't want to be found lacking, didn't want to give off the image that now where she'd been chosen, she wouldn't put effort in anymore.
At the same time, practising with the group... it was difficult. Looking in the other girl's eyes was difficult. She wanted to be around them, but it brought the guilt back. No one knew who'd end up in the final line-up and they were so, so much better than her, it wasn't fair for her to be chosen so early. It might not be their favourite type of song for a debut, but they still would've been in the group after all. And they surely wouldn't be as ungrateful as her.
In the second half of the month, a postcard from Minhee arrived, almost making Luda cry again, but this time from joy. Her elder friend had found just the right words to give her the reassurance she needed, even though she had no clue how Luda felt. And she would be glad to have Minhee back with her soon. It was difficult to be unable to tell anyone why she was feeling the way she was feeling, so the post card from Minhee made her feel understood without having said a single word. It was truly amazing how long they've already known each other and she remembered perfectly, how Minhee had first heard her sing quietly in the library. Just like Minhee said, she really had come a long way and changed a lot in three years. Maybe... she could do this after all.
Lee Luda 🎔 Heartz Debut Journey
Recording “Around you” and “I’ll Be There”
It took a while, but they managed to record both songs well. She was happy once they could take their leave. Yet, for one reason, she was just as nervous after the recording as she’d been before it. The fresh air outside was calming and since she wasn't alone, she could distract herself from her rollercoaster-riding stomach. Why was it feeling so off since earlier? Like little bees were buzzing inside. Maybe she finally realised that she would be debuting in just a month’s time.
Being told she was the next girl to debut was one thing, preparing for it was one thing, but being told it was only a month away from now, was a completely different feeling. And before she knew it, Luda found herself in the recording studio with Minhee. She was shaking a little, having difficulty keeping her hands still, but she tried to hide it as good as she could. Her stomach felt like it was on an endless roller coaster ride and she wondered if she could even hold a stable note with her nerves like this.
Luda practised her lines as she was waiting to start, wanting to make sure that she really had everything down to the last detail and she looked at any of the pointers the coaches had given her during the past weeks once more. Finally standing in the recording room gave the girl a different perspective. Of course she didn’t do perfect right away, but she jotted down notes whenever she was told to do something differently, giving her best to remember once the moment came, and did what she could, to sound the way they expected her to.
When she first heard the song, she had been a bit sad that it wasn’t just a little bit more challenging vocal wise, but since she’s started training with the coaches, and now during recording, she realised how much effort and skill a calm song like “Around You” still required.
She’d never thought this journey would be easy. If anything, she leaned strongly towards underestimating herself. And yet, was it wrong to have expected something a little different?
She was very happy with her song now, fell in love with the calming feeling it gave her while singing, while imagining scenes that could go with it, writing a little story in her mind. She truly felt like it was her song now, something she never expected to have until years after a group debut, if ever. But she still worried how others would think of it. Calm songs were often overlooked after all, no matter how much she enjoyed them herself.
And Luda still felt guilty for the expectations she previously had, even if those weren’t important to her anymore. She didn’t need to have the fanciest of all songs or anything like that and she knew she had ways to go, so much to learn. And even though all of that was true, unmet expectations were always followed by self-doubts, weren’t they? And self-doubts were followed by even harder work, at least in her case.
Only a few weeks back, Luda would’ve chosen “I’ll Be There” over the solo song, now her opinion had changed. As she was standing in front of the microphone, she thought back to the little story she’d made up for it, to try to get the emotions right. At 23 she barely knew anything about love, never having had feelings like that for anyone before, so whatever helped to convey the emotions, she’d take it. She started singing like always, or at least that was her intention.
You’ll come again today, without fail
What happens if I see you?
I’m carefully waiting
But I’m not expecting anything
I’m just blankly staring at you, then I leave
From far away, I wish you would only look at me
A pretty little alleyway in an Italian city and she was wearing a cute dress that would probably be seen as outdated today. Her hair pinned up in a cute, curly hairstyle and her lips just a tad shy of a truly red red. She was on her way to a bookstore, the one with the comfy couches, the one that was regularly visited by a young man who’d caught her eye. Would she manage to say hello today?
Hey you, do you know my heart?
These days, I’m like a child every day
Hiding as I look at you
You, are you hearing my words?
I’m still not brave yet
So I’m silently leaving again
She hid behind a bookshelf, shyly glancing at the young man here and there as she pretended to be interested in a random book she picked up. As he turned to her direction, she quickly put it back and ran outside, sighing, because once more, she'd been too shy to speak to him. She continued walking, looking at the pretty buildings around her and kept to the side, so she wouldn't run into anyone while lost in thought.
I close my eyes but I still think of you
What do I do now?
Everyone calls me a fool
But I don’t expect anything
She arrived at a fountain and sat down on its edge, letting her fingertips sink into the water. Sighing, she closed her eyes, but even the cold water couldn't distract her thoughts. An image of the young man crossed her mind and–
"Try that again," the staff told her after she missed a note and Luda's cheeks burned pink. Why… did she have a friend's face in mind just now? She shook her head and pushed the thought far back, concentrating on the task at hand. But the tingly feeling in her stomach stayed.
It took a while, but they managed to record both songs well. She was happy once they could take their leave. Yet, for one reason, she was just as nervous after the recording as she’d been before it. The fresh air outside was calming and since she wasn't alone, she could distract herself from her rollercoaster-riding stomach. Why was it feeling so off since earlier? Like little bees were buzzing inside. Maybe she finally realised that she would be debuting in just a month’s time.
Lee Luda 🎔 Heartz Debut Journey
— Light at the Tunnel’s End + Debut Preparations
⥽ Part 1, Part 2 ⥼
You’ll come again today, without fail
What happens if I see you?
I’m carefully waiting,
But I’m not expecting anything
Who would've thought? Luda started humming Around You at home (it was still very weird to call the dorm "home", but she tried) these days as she was doing chores, or when she was resting, not that that happened a lot though. She'd progressed well with I'll Be There from the beginning, both in singing and dancing, felt excited for it, especially as she wasn't alone at home anymore. And now she truly felt that she could do this.
Around you was a rocky road, highlighting the insecurities she had, highlighting her weaknesses. There was no fancy vocal run or cute dance to distract from her, and she didn't know how to deal with something like that. Aside, from the usual unsureness of whether she was good enough.
Hey you, do you know my heart?
These days, I’m like a child every day
Hiding as I look at you
The progress of the last two weeks of the month was much better than the first. If she continued like this, maybe in a week or so, Around You would feel somewhat like a glove, fitting perfectly and almost as natural as breathing. Luda wasn't confident yet, but at some point she'd gotten too tired of constantly worrying and just concentrated on doing her best. She also managed to actually feel rested after sleeping and taking breaks, which was another weight lifting off of her shoulders.
I'll Be There was still easier for her, but Around You felt like it perfectly represented her, including all the worrying, over-thinking and imperfections. But also showing her soft side, calmness and tendency to day-dream.
You, are you hearing my words?
I’m still not brave yet
So I’m silently leaving again
With the duet, she danced softly, sang with a smile in her heart, but through the solo she could let her emotions roll out, almost like a way to cope with the stress of the past weeks. She wasn't quite there yet, still had to figure out how to bring some of the coaches' advice into practise, but her different mindset was noticeable. Additionally, preparing with Minhee was fun. It was still easier than being with the group, but she wasn't alone either, nicely in-between.
The more everything settled in, the more she began to daydream, when she had the time to. The song gave her a few specific images that she thought would fit perfectly and in her mind she went through clothes, hairstyles and anything else she could think of. Did Luda actually come to love her song as much as she would've hoped to fall in love with a debut song, would she ever get the chance to debut? Maybe she wasn't quite there yet, but she was excited for the next months, was excited for everyone to find out and for their reactions. Maybe her situation wasn't perfect, but she barely had anything to complain, really.
The girl breathed heavily as they were done but smiled, happy that it was over and as she felt like she’d done pretty well. The cameramen left and she was about to turn to the others and say something when she caught a movement out of the corner of her eyes. At first her brain wasn't processing what her eyes were seeing. However once she did realise, the girl froze in place, eyes wide and mouth agape. The coaches ran inside quickly and she flinched once they started shouting and accusing. While she hadn't looked in the direction, she was sure it couldn't have been any of them – what could actually cause all of the cameras to fall and break like that?
But she couldn't voice any of her thoughts and felt guilty as Seokwoo and Donghyun stepped forward to take the blame. Guilty, because she felt like she should do the same – after all it hadn't been any of them, right? - but she couldn't move, instead tried to blink away tears that creeped their way into her eyes and threatened to run out. She felt silly for feeling like crying, but it had simply been the shock of the situation – like when a child bumped their head into something lightly but didn't see it coming and started crying.
She couldn't say anything either, as they were led back and started to worry whether the coaches would scream at them in front of everyone now. Would they get punished really badly? Maybe they'd have to pay or the cameras – she didn't even want to imagine what sum 7 cameras would make, they couldn't be cheap, would surely be quite the opposite.
She furrowed her brows once the screen was lowered, wondering what would happen now and blinked as it read “Gotcha!”. She couldn't make sense of it until realisation hit her – it had all just been one big, mean prank. Overrun with emotions – both upset for the prank but glad they really hadn't broken anything – the tears made it out after all. Embarrassed, the girl quickly wiped them away, hoping no one noticed. She really couldn't stand pranks like these.
Luda really wasn't sure, how she'd been convinced to dye her hair bright pink, specifically doing it herself. She hadn't bleached it too long ago, so it only made sense to go wild, as they'd been requested to, right? And dyes like these faded out over time, so maybe, until the actual performance, it would get at least a little bit softer. Not that there were all too many days left, though... But there she stood, dressed for the occasion, dye in hand. Bleaching... dyeing... these things, sometimes, required a more experienced hand than ones own. Luda learned this the hard way.
After washing the dye out, she couldn't wait for the result and reached for the blow dryer. Her face must have looked awfully comical as she stared at her hair in the mirror.
“Oh no, oh no no no, why is this ORANGE?” the girl almost screeched and fell into a short panic. After the first shock however, it was good for a laugh or too. She giggled at her own inability to follow simple instructions, but eventually figured bright orange would go well for a futuristic theme. Plus orange and blue worked well together, colour theory and all, right?
Going back to practise, she felt like there was a sign screaming “LOOK AT ME!” over her head. She tried to hide her hair under beanies when she was outside and with her hoodie when inside, whenever possible. The prior was easy enough, facing the cold temperatures, but the hood fell off her head regularly.
Jeju was beautiful and if she'd ever been there before, it must've been as a child, leaving her with no memory of the island either way. Under any other circumstances, she would've loved to visit everything – literally everything – but there was barely any time left until the performance day, so Luda spent as much time practising as she could. However she'd learned from previous mistakes and went to sleep a couple hours earlier. The next day she felt nervous just as she'd done before, but a lot more well rested and the dizziness didn't came back (yet) either, which was a huge relieve. At least she did something right. The rehearsals went well enough, to calm down at least a smidgeon, which was something after all. Her hair colour didn't bother her much either anymore and D-Day arrived fast.
She couldn't say she was sure how she felt about the dress, but the golden robes were quite her style. In that they hid her from the audience and that was much appreciated. Luda tried to turn her brain off, to do instead of over think. She strut to her position, just as she was supposed to. Her hands were shaking and she could hear her heartbeat. Trying to breath slowly seemed impossible until her heart almost skipped a beat as she almost missed the beat to throw her robe off and pose. Because of that she felt as though her move didn't have quite enough energy to it. Before she was able to think about this any further – yay to not over thinking her performance while on stage – she already found herself next to Hyunjin at the centre. Doing it over and over and over again, the choreography came naturally and she felt calmer than during the rehearsal. Her expression fit the atmosphere and she might even have felt comfortable. It reminded her of the joy she'd felt during mga performances and why she'd signed to be a trainee to begin with. Not even a minute passed and she was gone from the forefront, adrenaline running wild. The rest of the performance felt like a haze and while she may have neither the experience as her seniors, nor the skills of the dancers in the company, shown in how her moves were less energetic, less definite, she felt happy. And proud.
It began on the 22nd of December. The vocal lessons were pretty much scratched and instead they danced, had costume fittings, hairstyle consultations, danced, public interaction lessons and did I mention they danced? Luda would much rather have sung her heart out but there was no time wasting on this. After being told she was chosen as centre for a couple seconds, her nerves decided to go on a roller coaster ride. She was much appreciative of this opportunity, however dance had never been her strongest suit. Sure she'd learned so, so much over the past 6 months, but this seemed too important a stage to give to a vocalist.
“It must be, because I did somewhat well on the mgas,” was one possible option, she thought while trying to memorise the choreography. And yet, it seemed more logical to choose a dancer, especially one who's been signed to the company for longer than her. “Maybe it's a test? Or just a nice opportunity?”, the girl continued wondering, which didn't help the memorising process much.
At least that part of the performance was a bit slower, smoother and that gave her hope. Furthermore, Hyunjin would be at her side – she'd been in the same group as him a couple times before for performances and hoped this would somehow help. Or at the very least, the viewers would pay more attention to his skilled dance than to her.
Right away, Luda spent as much time practising as she could. It threw her back to the long hours of preparation she'd done for the mgas, the endless practises and the anxiousness that came with wanting to be good enough. Especially the first two stages were present in her mind – dance heavy and neither went very well for her. But she'd gotten through that and so she was sure she would manage this as well. Somehow, with tons of practise. Moving to the beat, in perfect synchronisation, was hard to practise by herself, but every time someone else was present, she would try to match them. Try to synchronise to perfection and not be even a millisecond late.
She breathed heavily, going through the routine for what felt like the billionth time. Her brows were furrowed and her dry, bitten lips looked everything but pretty or healthy. She'd been lucky enough to get some help from Taemin – in her eyes he'd be 1000 times more fit to be centre – and felt a bit more confident in herself. She'd taken notes of all tips he'd given her and put special attention to doing just like she was taught by him and the trainers. The moves came more natural now, for which she was glad. Not having to actively remember which movement came next was a great help.
The day of the performance drew ever closer as the girl was taking a break, leaning her head back, as she took deep, slow breaths. Something felt off, but she couldn't tell what. Whatever was bothering her body, she didn't need that today. There was only so much time left for the dress rehearsal and she should be practising instead. The girl gave herself a couple more minutes. Sighing, she got up slowly and stood still for a moment. A couple sips of water later and she was shaking her arms and legs out, getting back to dancing. Time went by at an odd pace – one second it seemed to fly, then she forced herself through hours of practising, but then the next she was already getting ready for the dress rehearsal.
Of course Katie Lee was there and of course that made her even more nervous. Her hands were shaking and ice cold, her surroundings seemed a bit too fuzzy. The girl did her best to ignore the weird feeling she still couldn't shake and concentrated on the choreography she'd have to perfectly deliver now.
Her expression hopefully didn't look too stiff and she caught herself being a bit too slow here and there. Luckily the song was slowing down – and yet she had no time to steel her nerves, before she was dancing centre next to Hyunjin. At least for this bit – she told herself, wanting to impress Katie Lee. The haze didn't get any less fuzzy, but luckily she was out of the spotlight again. Did she do well? She couldn't tell, but Luda felt like she'd done better than the first 50 seconds. However she was well aware that the rest of the rehearsal didn't go too well, mirroring the beginning.
Luda walked off the stage, her hands covering her cheeks as she was still taking deep, slow breaths to calm herself down. She could feel tears pricking at the corners of her eyes as her vision went blurrier and blurrier. One hand shakily found a wall to guide herself back to the practise room. Her legs felt unusually heavy, but not for long, as her surroundings went black.
When the girl woke up, she found herself stuck to an IV. Luda sighed as she closed her eyes again. Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid! She thought, feeling tears raise to her eyes again.
Some time later, she was free to go and told she'd have the rest of the day off. With a sigh she dragged herself home. Figuring a good, home cooked meal would be all she needed, Luda planned to continue practising at home. Of course she didn't tell her mum that she'd collapsed, but instead lied, saying that they'd gotten the rest of the day off, so they wouldn't overwork themselves. She felt guilty, but telling the truth wouldn't make either of them feel better. Her mum magically prepared everything she could need, before getting back to work. The table full, Luda sat in front of the TV and zapped through some channels. There wasn't really anything interesting and her brain was still focused on the performance. As she cleared the last plate and placed it on the table, she leaned back onto the sofa. At some point, the girl pulled herself up on it and her eyelids grew heavy. When she woke up, she found herself in bed, with no idea how she'd gotten there. A quick glance at her phone confirmed that it was the middle of the night and figured she'd slept through half the day already so she might as well continue until practise the next day.
Morning arrived and her mum was already busy working, so she quickly got ready, routine leading her to grab her keys and head for the door, although it was still early. But instead of leaving, she turned back. “Thank you mum, love you ♥” read the note Luda left on the kitchen table until she finally moved outside. The day of rest had done wonders, though she knew she'd have to take better care of herself, or this would happen again and she couldn't have that, especially not on the day of the performance.
September Evaluation - TRC Ent.
Zimzalabim - Red Velvet (Irene)
Of course, singing or rapping was required again, but at least dancing was still possible, which was definitely something. Plus, she was in the same group as Yeji, so that lifted her mood by tenfold.
Previously the girl hadn't really known much about zodiacs in general. She knew her sign, but that was it and so far, she'd never cared much to change that. Now she was definitely more knowledgeable on the topic and while she didn't think indecisiveness quite suited her, being two-faced did more than she cared to admit.
Zimzalabim was definitely an interesting choice, the sound fitting a bit more than the lyrics in her eyes, but the lyrics still working well, too. She got the rap part, which was always a plus considering her voice never wanted to reach notes as high as she wanted it to. Though she did like that it was a little more unique.
Either way she got to rap, she got to dance, the song was nice, there wasn't really anything to complain about.
The month passed by quickly as usual and she was excited for their performance, the song having grown on her and practising had been fun, especially with Yeji. Her first lines started rather soon in the song, though most were shared lines, which she did appreciate with rappers usually not having too many lines in songs.
Though in this case, she would’ve been fine even with just the rap. Was she actually starting to become more modest? She didn’t know much about zodiacs, still, but somehow it didn’t fit with her image of a gemini.
As usual, she enjoyed dancing the most, flying over the stage. The moves themselves weren’t exceedingly difficult, but of course, there was always more to it than just the dance, especially with a rather unusual song like this. Then again, that’s the kind of performances she enjoyed. Sure, extra complicated dances were fun, she really enjoyed learning them and feeling accomplished once she’d gotten them down, but uniqueness was at least just as interesting to her.
Her rapping was fine too, she’d done more difficult ones before, but she’s also done worse before, so overall, it seemed like a win to her as well. Of course, the coaches would find something to criticise, she thought, but then looking for even the smallest details was their job, no? So they could train them to be the best of the best and that was what she wanted to be after as well.
Luda couldn't help but be in awe of Taipei, never having visited the city (or country if speaking of Taiwan overall) before, only ever having seen pictures or videos. The filming for “My Sunday” was much more low-key, but she enjoyed herself nonetheless. It reminded her of when Minhee and her were dancing through the dorm, singing into their hairbrushes, basically practising the song while having fun.
Once they were back home, though, she could finally start concentrating on the unit more, mentally preparing for it for the most part and doing her best to practise singing, dancing, expressions and whatever else that she could. It was nerve wrecking to think of, because it felt much more official than the solo debut. Of course, looking at the group debut as the big debut, everything that came before felt almost more like pre-debut. But, expecting to have at least a few small promotions for the sub-units, the unit debut was on a different level from their solo releases already, making her feel like she needed to up her game a whole lot, compared to before.
She was careful with her voice, and careful not to break a bone, or anything like that (though she generally did that, anyway). It was also fun to try some songs from other groups, to get some more variety in, and tried practising some more difficult dances as well. She expected 1/3 to continue focusing on vocals rather than dancing, but if she wasn't careful, she'd end up taking steps backwards rather than forward and while her dancing was much better than 2 years ago, it still wasn't all that outstanding.
Excited to see what would be announced for the next month, she couldn't wait for the months to pass by. It was still confusing to her that Eunbi's reveal and release were pushed back, when the unit releases would be after it, but that made Luda only feel all the more curious to know how everything unit related would work out. Where would they film, how would they be styled, how would the music video (or videos?) end up looking? How would they connect all those solo music videos and bring the girls together in the video?
In the end she found herself sleeping earlier, and sneaking out less at the end of the month, hoping for days to pass by faster.
