So mother being over wasn't so bad. She cracked it a little when she asked about our christmas and we had had a great day. She wasn't happy that I would have fun with my other family. When they left the kid straight away said "well, uncle was a bit rude today, wasn't he". They only stayed for like...45 mins, which is great because it's probably all i could have handled. I had a mini anxiety attack when i realised it was almost time for them to be here, and then had a headache the entire visit. I got a christmas card from my sister. I guess she wants to fix the relationship, but I have no interest in that what-so-ever. I am finding it a little hard to forgive and forget someone telling me I am the sole reason they hate themselves among other things she said. Also, I would like all my money back. And maybe she can pay for the therapist visits for the kid who is still traumatised from watching her aunty abuse her mother for so long. (there are two sides to every story - except in this one where there are three, and you should hear the kids side. it's... she is a lot more critical than I am. I just want to move on, you know?). I know my friends on here remember that time well. I can't really talk to these people. If i say the wrong thing I get criticised. If I say nothing I get criticised. I'm not allowed to have feelings. I can't really talk about my PhD at all because it makes them feel stupid. I can't talk about my friends. I can't talk about my dad's side of the family. I can't talk about work because it upsets my mum because i work with dads side of the family. I can't talk about my recovery etc because I am not allowed to have problems. Even though it wasn't a bad visit, It was still draining. Having to navigate all the landmines of conversation... It'd just be better if I didn't exist.
I've been really restless since the visit and am finding it hard to wind down and work. I knew this was likely. I am kinda hoping spilling it all out here will help so I can write at least another section of the review. I'm really really glad I get to see my psych soon.