#*bsides

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PUSH MYSELF INTO YOUR MIND — audio video disco (2011) to pre-hyperdrama, manhandling via carabiners, oral sex, boot worship, affection, nsfw. inspired by this interview. title from madonna's erotica.

gift for @nicante

“What's the biggest show of affection you've ever seen from a fan?”

Hot tears, red lights, moldy carpet. His dirty white shoe pressed against a man’s crotch, tugging the carabiner with force. 

“It won’t mean anything…”

Glazed eyes, tender. Swollen lips, worship undeserved. 

“Hurry, Gaspard, they’re—”

Sweetness, you’re My everything.

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💌 our name, in liner notes

pairing: gaspard augé/xavier de rosnay rating: mature tags: mutual pining, love confessions, getting together

summary: gaspard was a sculpture of dairy-maid skin coated in summer dew, droplets of coconut juice dripping down his messy beard, standing with his head high, hairy chest puffed out.

co-written with @nicante, originally published early last year but taken offline.

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b-sides of a heartbeat (series)

🎵 b-side to your heartbeat

pairing: gaspard augé/xavier de rosnay rating: explicit tags: pre-relationship, flashbacks, religious imagery & symbolism, masturbation, character study via porn summary: do you feel that ache, my love? it burns, freshly forged. co-written with @nicante

read on: ao3 / pdf

🎵 kisses of fire

rating: mature tags: getting together, friends to lovers, love confessions summary: xavier learns some things are worth changing

read: ao3 / pdf

🎵 push yourself into my mind

rating: explicit tags: audio video disco (2011) to pre-hyperdrama, manhandling via carabiners, oral sex, boot worship, affection summary: “what’s the biggest show of affection you’ve ever seen from a fan?”

read: tumblr / carrd

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:D ok! i was just curious about word choice where gaspard likened himself to an outcast which is such an interesting contradiction bc he isn't, least not in the way someone would from a more conservative city or upbringing but i wonder if that's more to do with his internalized feelings here. would love to know more if you and or nicante were willing to speak :D

It's been a hot minute since I read it so I'm trying to work from memory here, a lot of the series (there's still two or three unpublished pieces) is wrapped up in fantasy vs reality, a lot of internal struggles and conflict that hasn't been seen yet.

I will say, @nicante and I often disagree a lot on Gasxav and we put both our sides fo the argument in things we collaborate on haha! So, her answer would look different to mine, which is why you should also go ask her lol. This is why I love working with her. I don't like people who are the same as me because I hate myself and all my ideas esp on this ship, so this is great productivity that comes from someone I can be challenged by, and she's a force of nature ^_^

Loooong essay below the cut and some nsfw excerpts just a warning lol

In the original fic, Gaspard still wasn't ready for their relationship to change but there was a more concrete admission of that. Here I think there is even less so, as my idea for this story was to strip Gaspard back and let him be vulnerable in a different way, which apparently meant being naked in a bathtub filled with Xavier's dirty bathwater so...I definitely overshot.

You're right! He's not an outcast, he's hardly oppressed, but maybe he has experienced some things in his past whether it's unhealthy relationships with others and with casual sex too. There's a certain thing I'd like to tag but won't out of fear, but there's some coding with Gaspard I like to keep consistent across anything I do that explains that though that's...idk. Something I wouldn't talk about publicly, I think. He should definitely know better (lol but forty year old men talking about their feelings? oof) because Xavier certainly hasn't turned away from him, at least not completely. So far, we haven't seen his perspective prior to KOF.

There is a lifetime of longing and some really questionable moments between them that have not been spoken about, they know they need to talk about it in kof for example, because how on earth do you platonically justify moments like these:

(I answered a bit more about the above excerpts a few months ago, because the point of b-side's isn't really the smut at all but rather the thought process).

In a lot of lifelong friendships turned romantic, where two people have harboured feelings for each other that are mutually reciprocated there can be so much cognitive dissnoance (?) and a lot of push and pull, the desire to be closer in any way you can achieve (casual intimacy, yes, but also selfishly motivated, but trying not to feel shame for that selfishness), violating boundaries, oversharing which they have a habit of in interviews so it's fun to put that concept behind closed doors and watch it manifest in other ways lol.

I love jealousy because it's totally normal, if you've never experienced it I'm going to assume you are lying because who hasn't? Gaspard, really, is so selfish and jealous in many ways! Part of why I wanted to make a b-sides anthology is because I wanted to write more about jealousy and trying to lose the shame in feeling it, and I think having Gaspard masturbating like that is part of him trying to accept those feelings and maybe even enjoy that negativity. They've said they know each other better than their romantic partners know them, well, here we go. Everything I write is at least a twist of lore which I love doing!

There's one unpublished piece in b-sides which will definitely go into what you've touched on and it was inspired by the film House (1977) and a little bit of Alice In Wonderland as well, because this is perfect for Gaspard. Which is also really funny because b-sides, from the start, was supposed to be a Xavier pov collection, but Gaspard has totally derailed it. In that story, I go into all of that conflict, along with a dose of talking robots and E.T figurines and 80s video games. He has a name for Xavier in this story I'm yet to reveal, but if you've seen House, you might suspect. The only reason I haven't uploaded it is that...it's a bit of a headache to deal with. I think if that were to see light of day on ao3 I'd have to completely restructure sections, hence the Alice in Wonderland, which is too on the nose, but it's public domain so that protects me lol.

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this is how i post updates now (the second is limited edition with bonus tracks)

- added low resolution shitty cover to pdf and changed font size by 1 pt

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too shy to say publicly yes i believe gaspard got off in xaviers dirty bathwater

HAHAHA it's okay, that seems to be the unanimous belief so you are not alone trust me, @nicante and I planned for this occasion

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hello! i'm a returning fan here. i was chatting to someone after a show who rec'd your fics but didn't realize they were deleted on ao3. i found your tumblr though and logged back in after several years to leave you a comment XD i read bsides and really loved it omg, i really love how your writing style is totally different between xavier and gaspard's POVs as well.

Oh wow it's sweet you went to such efforts but I'm also deeply amused your post-show comedown remedy was reading a fic about Gaspard getting randy in Xavier's dirty airport bathwater...haha!

I won't bog you down with all the details about the writing shift but it's intentional :) Please also be sure you give some this that praise to @nicante too, she was my collaborator and enabler on one of those stories 🫶

Thanks heaps for your kind words !! Sorry I don't reply to asks much anymore but I appreciate them being sent