every year, this gets a tiny bit easier. right now, i can't tell if that makes me happier or sadder.
i procrastinated making this post yet again, honestly. i don't think i'm ever ready for december 18 to come and go, but here we are. there's not a day that goes on where i don't think of you, but as we approach the fourth anniversary of your passing, i don't think it'll matter if it's the first or fiftieth. this'll never be easy. i still miss you and i hope you're doing well, wherever you are.
while i was listening to the don't call me album earlier this year, i swore i could hear your voice in one of the songs. kind is the track that was definitely *made for you*. the breathy tones, its soft yet powerful emotion - i could practically see and hear you performing it. it radiated kim jonghyun in more ways than i can explain. shinee's comeback earlier this year was perfect, but of course, it's hard not to miss the one person that would've completed it. there always will be a missing piece, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. at the very least, the rest of the members would never let us forget you or forget to honor you, that's for sure.
some wounds only heal with time. i remember getting emotional when key mentioned you during one of the dcm winning speeches, but i was also unbelievably proud of him for doing so. this comeback was more than just a reunion after three of the members returned from the military - it was a means to honor and remember you. it's incredible to me how much everyone's grown, and i'm beyond words at how strong your four brothers are to continue standing as shinee. from minho talking to one of the odg little girls about how good uncle jonghyun was to key openly talking with taeyeon about the effects of moving on without you for things like concerts and shows, my heart hurts for them, but also can't help but feel extremely proud. nothing about those moments could've been easy, but they have a right to share as much or as little as they please, and they've done it all so gracefully and respectfully as well. i know with time, they're healing. slowly but surely, we're all moving on in our own ways.
if these past few months have taught me anything, it's resilience. it's to move on even after things get overwhelming, it's to hang on even when things hurt too much to keep going. i find myself clinging to the past a lot these days - i miss the way things used to be before i had to 'grow up'. on bad days, i find that i still do think of you, even if it's just for a brief moment. the bright light that i looked up to when i was younger, and the person i still do even though it's been so long since i've seen you. you're the angel that shines down on all of us, jonghyun. your existence has helped more people than you'll ever know. life goes on, i suppose. it's just another friday, perhaps one tinged with a bit more sadness, but it's still a special day nonetheless. i hope you know that you are still so, so loved, jonghyun. i hope your days are filled with happiness wherever you are, and i hope your loved ones are taking care of themselves today. i still am so thankful that we existed on this earth at the same time and i hope you know that you did so, so well. thank you for everything, i love you.
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Lee Jonghyun being part of the Molka scandal hit me the most out of all of those involved because he was my ultimate male bias (mainly for his voice). But I’m done with him now. Goodbye, trash.
i hope you know that you'll never be forgotten and how much you were, are, and will continue to be loved, jonghyun. your smile, laugh, voice, and bright personality never fail to warm my heart, even on the darkest of days.
i know you're smiling down on all of us today and even if you're not physically with us, i know we'll never truly be without you. thank you for continuing to inspire me everyday and for spreading love, positivity, and happiness, even from up above.
you did so well, kim jonghyun.
this year has been... tough, to say the least. on top of the mental stress of the pandemic, US election, and personal issues that have come up throughout the past few months, it's been a whirlwind of emotions for me personally. as a shawol though, there have been three beacons of happiness at the very least shining and lighting up the end of this year: the return of jinki, kibum, and minho, and that leading to the reunion of our boys.
i can't put into words how happy i've been to see their interactions, their smiles, their laughter, their cringiness... i think the sentiment minho expressed when jinki made a classic pun / dad joke-esque statement during their first instagram live together summed up a lot of what we were feeling: how much we've missed not only jinki's gags, but just their interactions and them being together. minkey's bickering, their questioning of taemin's everything, and their loving acceptance of onew's sangtae (condition) no matter what he does. the four of them together has given me something to look forward to every morning, to see a new interaction or video or just any sort of news... but at the same time, for me, there's something missing, and that gap is apparent no matter how happy i am to see them all together.
i don't like lingering on your absence, but i can't help but wonder what things would be like if you were still here. would minkey still have enlisted along with jinki? would you have gone with him instead? would there have been more subunits of shinee if you had stayed? how would you have continued to inspire all the younger idols with your music? your love of performing? what would your legacy have grown to be if you were still with us?
three years later and my heart still hurts. of course i put this off to less than 12 hours before i'm supposed to post it, but when gathering these gifs, i found myself watching more ot5 content and missing how you made everyone laugh with your bright, playful personality. your saltiness when anyone brought up your height, your talkative energy whenever you got excited, your hilarious acting on snl... i miss so much about you, jonghyun. and when i got to 2017 and i saw clips of people talking about you, leeteuk's speech in particular when he mentioned shinee in an award acceptance speech... of course it broke me. the feelings of you being gone returning once again made that gap all the more apparent. the reunion that jinki, kibum, minho, and taemin all had earlier this year... i wish it had included you too.
i know you're with the boys no matter what. even when you're not there, you are in spirit; i'm sure that the four of them wouldn't be able to get rid of you that easily anyway, but i guess it just makes me sad that you're not visibly or physically present. you would've turned 30 this year, you would've made so many people's lives all the more brighter by just existing, but of course i know that it is selfish of me to think this way. today, i want to focus on remembering you for what you've done and what you continue to do with your legacy, not what you could've done if you were still here.
regardless of the sadness that comes with this day, i hope you know that you continue to make me and a lot of other people happy. i still listen to your music, i still smile whenever i see a picture or video of you, and i still miss you, jonghyun; i hope you're doing well, wherever you are, and that you know that you're still so loved. thank you for everything.
