Morning Hymn of the Amateur Swimmer
When I first started giving devotions I laughed:
"I live in a land-locked province!"
The sea is far from me
And has always been - distant, grey, cold. I thought that you were, too.
I know how to swim, of course
But I have always been scared of open water
I am wary of the river that cleaves my city in two;
I know your kin, Earth-shaker
And I know how quickly the undertow can change everything
(In middle school I waded foolishly into the river until my toes didn't touch silt
And I was almost swept away
I pay my respects every summer for the mercy I was given)
When I drag myself to swim class it is for you, Lord
I try to make it a libation, a compromise of this land-locked mortal
Who cannot make it to the sea, to witness you and the gifts you give (and take)
I am clumsy, Lord,
I am not self-disciplined
Every 05:30 wake up is painful
Every slip into too-cold water is painful
Every "oh fuck" five minutes into a workout is painful
Swimming is HARD for me
I inhale a quarter of the pool before the sun rises
My small, scared animal brain
Does not comprehend putting my head into something wholly unbreathable
But the struggle in itself is also my devotion
I am placing my body:
A honed machine of millions of years of evolution
That ushered my ancestors out of the sea and onto their haunches
I place that body into something
That I have no business being in.
(My mother tells me, once, when I am thirteen
That her cousin drowned when his hip waders
Filled with water and pinned him to the bottom of a river
I have dreamed about that ever since the river almost took me, too)
I shove my face into that water out of pure spite
Flail my clumsy, burning muscles
As a devotion to you.
Hail, Earth shaker! you shake my lungs
Upend my instincts
And yet soothe that panicky animal brain
Into something focused and (relatively) calm
In an hour of lengths
Back and forth
Across the frothing pool
When I emerge
Trembling, wound tight, slicked back and cold
It is you I pray to, once more,
As I stand in the shower stall
And try to peel that FUCKING swim cap off
Without pulling off half my hair.
Hail Poseidon, keeper of lengths, pincher of scalps!
I am short of breath and filled with songs for you!
