suddenly sheps
i have been bookmarking stuff i’ve been meaning to put on here for a while now and i keep not doing it but i need to put this where i won’t lose it and it was skype and. yeah.
in which there’s a whole bunch of random stuff about my sheps (of which there are three.)
mir
well anyway i don’t know all the little details yet bc. i’ve. only dipped into looking up what happens and stuff but. anyway. based on the. available endings without mods anyway
seren and serafim are both nb - seren is basically agender and serafim is demigirl, and saki is a girl
seren dates liara (and tali) and does synthesis, saki dates traynor and does control, and serafim dates thane and does nothing
tara
aa i love that i think thats very ic for a thanemancer
mir
i really like. that addition of the option to do nothing and just be like. it shouldn’t be my decision to change the order of the universe and no matter what i do things will happen and hurt again someday
there’s only so much you can save before you just have to accept that losing things is okay
tara
i also just like. the "i will fight with my friends, not alone" part of that ending
mir
yeah
and like. serafim already has an outlook on life before meeting him that p much meant that when they meet thane they just. like they Understand each other really well right from the beginning? like. they’re not any one thing exactly, but their parents were buddhists, so that’s how they were raised, and they’ve had to use that all for comfort. for a long time.
oh. right. and
seren - earthborn/sole survivor. saki - spacer/war hero. serafim - colonist/sole survivor.
tara
also if you go with the theory that the choice was a last ditch indoctrination attempt since all of the other secondary villains were indoctrinated, then the refuse ending is the only one that breaks the cycle of indoctrination
mir
yeah
tara
gosh i think thats so interesting my thanemancer was also a colonist/sole survivor
but she chose destroy
mir
serafim is by far my shep who should be the saddest, but they’re not. bc if they had let all that drag them down they. wouldn’t have been able to handle anything anymore
tara
nods definitely
my colonist/sole survivor/thanemancer was my first shep and she was the ultimate paragon
mir
so like. when they talk to thane about how he doesn’t really. feel guilt about killing people because he’s just a tool and someone else is killing them using him that’s. kinda how they feel about it? like it’s different, they’re not an assassin, but with the military it was definitely that, and as a spectre and all that comes after, someone else is always pulling their trigger, so to speak. they figure someone would be doing what they’re doing, water always trickles down to fill the cracks, and someone else might not be so gentle, so it might as well be them.
it doesn’t mean they don’t struggle with certain things, namely any large decision that they get landed with that puts a lot of life in their hands with a lot of doubt on their shoulders and not a lot of guidance from anyone
tara
i love them already
mir
they’re not super comfortable being in charge, and they do it because they know it’s a necessity, but they hate that it is
tara
man even slightly paragon-aligned sheps have such a rough time of it after the first game
i wanna keep them all safe
mir
yeah. like. seren is really adaptable. saki is really. well. saki is my youngest and also is a military brat who grew up in space and learned to fire a gun when she was like four years old and is really really good at making decisions on the fly and not worrying about it too much bc life’s short have fun kick ass save what you can but don’t wreck yourself wondering if you did the right thing
seren doesn’t like what they have to do but they’re very big picture and they definitely do feel like they have an obligation to do what they must and get their hands dirty however they have to to Save Everyone They Can
whereas serafim really doesn’t feel like that at all. serafim kinda would have preferred to stay dead. let someone else fill their shoes. it’s not natural, it’s interrupting the flow of things, and they can’t remember where they were pulled back from, and it’s wrong. seren tries not to dwell on it bc they have to get the job done even if the job gets dirty. saki is freaked the hell out by the whole idea and does the best she can to just repress it and keep going forward as aggressively as she can bc well this is where she is now this is what she’s doing now
tara
i really like the idea of shepards coming back Slightly Different in the second game
like the way i rped my first shep, she was an absolute perfect paragon in the first game. then when she came back she was just Off and i took some renegade interrupts which she wouldnt have done before
mir
serafim. hates it. so they react by letting go even more? they know they can’t fight it, so they just sort of detach from themself a little and spend a lot of the time sort of floating after themself, watching things happen, knowing they’re doing it but like. they’re not really doing it. this isn’t what they’d do. and they should be dead?
but they’re also. not completely passive by any means. they do what they can to try and use their second life to help and heal things. but they get pretty brutal for a while sometimes bc they just don’t see it as really being themself
tara
i love it i love that its my favorite thing about the possibility of being Resurrected
mir
yeah like. seren is a lot more paragon but they’ve got quite a bit of renegade in there. serafim will. probably be 100% paragon p much. and saki will be probably somewhere right around 50/50 with maybe a leaning on renegade??
saki’s a good kid but like. she grew up in the military and she’s got way too much energy and very much is like. inappropriate jokes, black and white thinking. she still thinks she’s invincible bc she’s never lost before
so like. after she dies. and comes back. she’s still herself bc she doesn’t. obviously you don’t remember being dead you just somewhat remember dying and then bam you’re alive again
but she comes back angry
tara
man that is SUCH an interesting take on spacer/war hero
the invincibility notion never being shattered
mir
saki’s parents trained her from probably way too young, she joined as soon as she could, she was all up guns and glory and she just shot through the ranks bc she was deadly and determined and nothing could get in her way
tara
usually it manifests in ppl just like. spacer/war hero is the default background and its usually played pretty straight as "my shep is a Cool Shep"
mir
well. and because she was Connected and anyone who knows. how military tends to work. knows that you get promoted real fast if the higher ups already know you and your family
(provided that reputation is a good one. obviously.)
she’s kinda got a like. imagine reboot jim kirk but if his parents hadn’t died. somehow being that cocky but also being raised. in space. except it’s actually the military which. starfleet isn’t really but YOU GET THE POINT
like if someone punched saki in the face she’d just be like “ALRIGHT” and launch herself at them
absolutely no real sense of self preservation because she honestly believes deep down that she’s completely invincible
and like. why wouldn’t she.
she’s got perfect marks all the way down, never messed up an assignment, she’s a goddamn war hero??
and then she dies
and like. waking up from that it could go two ways. either your entire psyche crumbles because you realise you’re not actually invincible and you start wondering if you are anything you thought or if any of it matters and why you’re here and what you did wrong
or you do what she actually does
which is just get really fucking mad and even more determined to take out her enemy by any means necessary
tara
are you gonna do any of the side missions involving cerberus in me1 with her
mir
seren sees ressurection as just. the continuation of their duty. the universe needs them and they have to see this through to the point where they fricking died and they still weren’t allowed to stop. so. they keep going. and do what has to be done.
serafim sees resurrection as both a horrific defiance of the natural order of things, but also as an indication that they have a destiny that they must fulfill, with or without their consent or presence.
saki sees resurrection as a challenge. and as she begins to rack up more successes and get her strength back, she starts seeing it as a challenge she BEAT. like holy shit, she thought she was invincible before? well at first, she was obsessed with the fact that something got in the way of that, and she spent two goddamn years dead but. she only spent two years dead. she came BACK. you can’t even KILL saki shepard, not really, because she won’t stay dead. she gets a little less cocky in some ways, but a lot more genuinely self confident. dying matures her somewhat, and turns her from a jumped up kid with a fancy title into a dangerous and effective commander.
also idk yet? i haven’t played. enough of the game. to know all the missions and know for sure. i’ve thought i knew what iw as gonna do w stuff in dragon game and didn’t wind up doing that a few times so. idk
also saki basically looks like mako mori with shorter hair
tara
omg perfect
mir
serafim looks a lot like a slightly older alia shawkat but. with green eyes, red hair, and darker skin. i gotta have my nb brown redhead w green eyes and since i changed up seren so much…. also that colouring happens 2 match thane pretty well and i’m a notorious colour coordinator w LIs
someday i’ll actually be able to draw All These Characters and the fact that i colour coordinated all my characters with their LIs will matter
someday….
---
mir
also i think upon reconsideration. saki does destroy. it pains me personally but it makes more sense w her character and also like. her dealio at the end is “kick reaper ass and then go home for a shower B)”
seren does synthesis not because it’s necessarily the ultimate solution - there’s nothing to keep the new form of life they’ll become from creating new synthetics all over again someday, and it can’t just be that simple, but… well, for now, it’s peace, and it might mean sort of forcing people into accepting each other, organic or synthetic, bc like, you know. it’s all the same thing. so it’s a way to stay alive and try and keep everyone alive bc honestly. they’re very invested in the possibility of actually having a future with the people they love. and a family.), but it’s also just. they’re too curious not to just. see what happens. they have literally nothing to lose. the other paths lead to them or the universe or both losing quite a lot. synthesis leads to loss of the lines between things, and that could be a disaster, but it could also possibly work and possibly be a very good thing and they’re fascinated by the possibility of everything it might be, so that’s what they do.
and. well. we already know why serafim doesn’t do anything. the way they see it, it’s not a decision that should be up to one person, and they’re honestly tired of fighting things that seem to be just. how things go. they died and the world didn’t let them stay dead. they fell in love and they lost him. they’ve lost so many people, people they loved and people they never knew, and they’ve got so much blood on their hands and they’re so tired and nothing is the right choice and they can’t help but feel like the only way to beat the game at this point is to let the game win? at that point they. kind of don’t see there being a way to beat the game, really. and they sort of think that’s probably how it should be. and they’re sorry for all the people who won’t go to their deaths as softly as they’re so ready to, but if they weren’t there, they’d all be dying anyway. if they hadn’t been pulled out of death and forced to keep going and if they hadn’t been saddled with this big mission and this weapon and all this responsibility and why is it in their hands why is it okay to trust the fate of all life to one person? if they hadn’t been there, there would be no choice to be made. maybe there would have been someone else.
but there, then, and now, is all that matters. and they’ve kissed death so many times now that they’re just. they’re ready to die? and if it makes them selfish to let everyone else die along with them, then maybe that’s everyone’s fault for putting that decision in their hands in the first place. anything they could do would be selfish, in some way or another. and this is the only way to refuse to be a pawn of someone’s game anymore. the only way to stop trying to change things that have been unchanged forever.
they’re tired of cheating death. they’ve done it too many times. once, when they were little, and they almost drowned. again, at sixteen, when slavers killed their family, their friends, but not them. and again, when they died for real, but they weren’t let to stay dead. and again, falling in love with a dying man? it’s just. it’s just time.
life will continue. it will rise up again, it will sprout and grow and bloom and it will make their mistakes someday too. there will be more stories in this saga of existence, and it’s okay if their part of it ends here. they can be a weapon if they have to be, but they just can’t make the actual choice to use one like this, not to destroy, nor to abandon all semblance of self, and all chance of escape, by giving themself up to try and control it. and life isn’t meant to be tampered with like that. evolution happens on its own. you can’t force it. and they don’t trust being told that it’s “the best choice”. the best choice doesn’t exist. they’re sick of being forced to make all the hard decisions.
they just. want to go home. they want to have a home. they want to believe they’ll find one after it’s over. this isn’t their fight anymore, and they refuse to fight it alone. it just doesn’t feel right. they can’t do it. they’re all the wrong choice. maybe the only way to beat the reaper is to not fear it. embrace death. so that’s what they do. they do nothing, and they close their eyes as it all falls apart, and they imagine that they can smell saltwater, and hear rush and murmur of waves. they imagine a great wave swallowing up every soul in the galaxy, laying each one to rest and washing it calmly away from the sorrow of the worlds they’re leaving behind. the ones they put in serafim’s hands, that they decided to just let go.