May 9
God.
I literally. Am mourning and grieving over a loss that isn't real.
Because 1) neither of us are real, or really the characters, because they are characters, even if we identify with them
2) I haven't literally lost him, nor any equivalent (and all we ever lose that means something to us is physical belongings or a safe and comfortable 'home')
3) He is literally here with me
(well not literally- but we share a brain, we both exist *in a way*, he is here with me.)
#- A#I feel so alone right now despite spending the night at a comfortable place that's safer than my current home now.#I feel so heartbroken and the world feels like it has no meaning if he's not here.#I long for that connection but don't deserve it and it could only ever exist as a fleeting moment.#How do I go on?#I miss when we played in our minecraft world and left signs for each other...#Derek if you ever read this; if you ever go onto tumblr and ever look at this blog; at this post.#Know that I won't stop caring about you. Say that I'm wasting my time and energy all you want but you're so so important to me.#I remember enough from a recent experience you had. Even if I probably wasn't there.#You're STILL a person even if you say that you don't exist; that you never really existed. You exist to me.#If all it takes to exist is to be in one person's mind; then I will never let you leave it. You will always exist to me. Always.#[I'm so going to draw a meme of us together]
