The 12th House
Trigger/content warnings: mental breakdown, violence, blood, gore, dysphoria, death, mention of death, death of parents, trauma, firearms, bladed weapons, injuries
Pages: 8 Word count: 8,346 Reading time according to Ellipsus: 41 minutes Setting: Oracle Corp AU: Fallout Characters: Loke, Jelani
Chapter 1 Chapter 3
002: Self-undoing
After a rather hearty breakfast the boys bought some supplies they'd need for the road as well as more toiletries, Loke figured it'd be a while before they see more of those, and once they were ready they looked over the map, chose the route and headed on their way.
Every morning during breakfast the boys would look over the map and choose the route, most times it was dependent on things Jelani wanted to see and explore, he was fond of exploring old ruins. The map Loke had was called a "caravan map", it was a very up to date map of the Wasteland, the map was full of scribbles and writing indicating safe routes, towns, cities, settlements both big and small, danger zones and everything one would need to know while exploring the Wastes. It was usually updated every six months by traders and caravans that dared cross the Wasteland, not only did they bring goods and services they also brought information, as such caravan maps were far more expensive than regular maps. It set Loke back about two hundred caps. It was a worthy investment, if he was to travel with his kid brother he wanted to make sure the routes he picked were safe, he wanted to know which areas were dangerous and how far or close towns, cities, and settlements were. Sure, it took away that sense of adventure of exploring but he wasn't there on some grand adventure looking for danger, he was trying to leave the past where he needed it to be: in the past.
They may not be in some grand adventure full of danger and discoveries but in their own way they were. Traveling brought it's own sense of wonder, sometimes they'd camp out in some truly gorgeous forest, beautiful plains, sometimes they'd wander into caves, old bunkers, historical buildings, interact with people from different places and talk to them for a while before leaving. People like Rowan and his little sister Juniper.
A smile formed on Loke's face as he remembered him, he had a gorgeous smile. His smile widened as he remembered Jelani and Juniper walking in on them mid fuck and the awkward silence between all four of them as they stared at each other. It hadn't been until Loke asked Jelani to close the door that they all broke into laughter, as the kids took off to keep wandering the building he and Rowan had gone back to what they were doing. He wondered if they made it to their family's home yet. A part of him was glad he'd been able to spend that night with him, a rare occurrence for Loke be able to be around others his age and oddly enough both were in a sort of similar situation, both older brothers taking care of their younger siblings though Rowan and Juniper had family waiting for them, Loke and Jelani had no such luck. They're all they had. It made Loke a little sad to listen to Rowan talk about his many aunts and uncles, so many cousins and even half siblings waiting for them in Georgia but he liked how his face lit up and he wasn't the type to rain on other people's parade with his own problems. That "O, woe is me and my problems" dramatization wasn't something Loke would do, he had his problems, his own traumas but he tried his best to bury them as deep as he was able to even if they snuck up on him in the dead of night in the form of crying spells. On more than one occasion he had to leave in the middle of the night to find somewhere to cry and let it all out. Grief like that wasn't easy to get rid of no matter how much he tried to push it away.
The older Jelani got the more he reminded Loke of their mother. She was strong and smart but so curious about everything, Jelani was pretty much a damn near perfect replica of her. Even if his eye color was different than hers it still felt exactly like hers. It was hard to explain. Looking in a mirror was sometimes a test to see how long he could look before the tears fell, he looked so much like Ingvarr, it was almost eerie. While Jelani had Sanaa's eyes, he had Ingvarr's eyes, not in terms of color but almost like in spirit. Both of them were living reminders of what Loke lost. Not just Loke, Jelani lost them too but having been so young he often admitted he wasn't able to recollect even what they looked like. Astrid once said that maybe Jelani does remember but having been so young he didn't know how to process it and his brain decided to erase them to avoid the trauma is having lost his parents at such a young age. Truth was only Jelani knew for sure and Loke wasn't about to dig into that topic, if he really didn't remember them he counted it as a blessing, if it's what Astrid said then he thought it best to forget and spare himself the trauma. Either way, he carried the grief for both of them.
Loke blinked his tears away and wiped his nose with his sleeve as he kept walking. The further away he got from DC the more his memories haunted him. He often told himself there was nothing left for them back there. Just painful memories and a rage that lit Loke up from the inside.
"I love you."
Loke stopped and looked down to see Jelani holding Loke's hand, his pale blue eyes looking up at him with concern, almost on the verge of tears himself. It was then he noticed he'd been breathing heavily and had been crying, tears were running down his face. He turned to look at his little brother and knelt down in front of him, he looked so much like their mom. He tried to force a smile but failed to do so. He grabbed Jelani and hugged him tightly though it only served to make him cry some more and now that Jelani had been aware of his crying he let the tears fall as well as let the weeping and sobbing out. Jelani hugged him as tightly as he could and let Loke rest his head on his shoulders.
Between sobs and gasps Loke let out a strenuous and shaky, "I love you too."
The boys had stopped to let Loke catch his breath and to calm down. They took the opportunity to indulge in a snack and some water while Jelani tried his best to cheer his brother up. While he was playing with the others kids at Rest Stop he heard plenty of gossip from them too. It seemed to do the trick, Loke always loved hearing some good bit of gossip despite his claims of not being a gossip himself. He always claimed it didn't make him a gossip because he never passed it forward, he kept it to himself and Jelani.
Once they finished their snacks and Loke stopped crying the boys continued on their way. The chosen route didn't have much in the way of interesting stops, it was a long stretch of trees as far as the eye could see, green grass and a noticeable path from people constantly walking that same direction. The occasional traveler and caravan passed by the boys. It was both a relief and tense feeling. While in towns, cities and even settlements people within them acted a certain way, most people were friendly or approachable especially caravans and traders trying to sell their goods or services. Most people were happy to help others and were more than happy to answer any questions. Out on the road everyone was hit with a dose of paranoia, whether it was healthy or not was up to interpretation. When people passed by Loke would keep his gaze forward though his eyes studied the people approaching. He'd grab Jelani's hand tightly with one hand and with the other he'd loosely let it fall and hover around his revolver. Jelani would easily pick up on the tension and would tense up as well, he wasn't exactly too sure of the reason for it but Loke never told him to keep his eyes forward, he let him look. Part of him figured no one would pay attention to a small kid and what he was looking at, either way, his training would kick into high gear and he'd memorize what he was seeing. More often than not people passing by would nod as if to greet and also let Loke know they didn't want any trouble and he'd nod back in return. That was as much interaction as you'd get out on the road.
For lunch the boys veered off the road and followed a small and barely visible trail that led to what they guessed was once a home, all that was left was the foundation of the building and some burned up furniture. It seemed to have either burned down or have been blown up long ago, scavengers had clearly been through the place and took everything they could and was worth selling. The rest was either worthless or couldn't be salvaged.
They ate their lunch in relative silence, the most talking that was done was Loke asking if Jelani was alright with the food and the reminder that if he didn't like it they could always trade. As they ate their meal Jelani kept staring at the rifle next to Loke and part of him was drawn to it. It was a lever-action rifle modified to use .44 magnum rounds instead of the 10mm rounds most of the rifles used back in DC. While old the rifle was very well taken care of, Jelani traced his eyes over the rifle, he knew how to take it apart, clean it properly, oil it, and put it back together. He knew the ins and outs of the weapon and yet Loke didn't let him carry a gun even while out on the road. He found himself asking his brother why but Loke would often say he wasn't ready to actually carry firearms yet. This often frustrated Jelani. He could take them apart and reassemble them far faster than Loke could, he knew how to care for them and clean them, he knew the names of every single piece of a wide range of firearms by heart, his trigger discipline was better than most adults according to Loke himself, he was able to modify most pistols and rifles, he had a 91% accuracy rating with pistols and non-automatic rifles, and had started training with their mother's sniper rifle since he was 8-years-old. He felt he was ready to carry even an unmodified N99.
He didn't argue this with Loke, there was no point in doing so. Even at his age he figured Loke was waiting for signs of maturity within him and throwing a temper tantrum over being able to carry a firearm wouldn't help his case. He didn't let the idea and desire fester within him though, he just made it a point to pay close attention during training to do better than the previous day.
As they finished lunch Jelani noticed Loke was preoccupied with the sky and the weather. He said there was a faint smell of rain in the air and that the air itself was a touch too chilly and the wind was noticeable. He asked him why it mattered but Loke gave no definitive answer.
The siblings continued on their way. There was a massive town that was about two days and a half away from their current location and while they had plenty of clean water, food, snacks and ammunition it was always a good idea to stop, rest, and restock their supplies. As they walked Jelani would occasionally look at Loke and made sure he was alright. He knew the death of their parents had affected him greatly and while he didn't fully understand, or better said, couldn't relate to such grief he equated it to losing Loke and the thought of losing him was painful, like a pain deep in his chest and stomach unlike any he had ever experienced before in his life. The thought of waking up one day and not seeing Loke asleep near him scared him, he figured that was what Loke was experiencing every so often. Sometimes he'd wake up in the middle of the night and would see Loke curled up and he'd hear small and quiet sniffles coming from him. It took every bit of strength he had in him not to curl up beside him and hold him but Jelani knew to let him have those moments to himself. He may be young but he knew that whenever Loke became aware of Jelani he'd stop crying and would swallow his grief and carry on as if nothing was wrong but whenever he did that he seemed robotic and automated like he currently was. He was walking and looking ahead, probably wasn't aware of Jelani looking at him from time to time. His eyes look glazed over.
"You can talk to me, you know."
Loke was surprised by the sudden break of silence. He looked down and saw Jelani looking up at him waiting for a response.
"I do." He looked back with a look of surprise.
"No, I mean…" For a moment he hesitated. He wasn't sure of where to take the conversation, he wasn't even sure if the conversation was a good idea but he kept pushing forward, "I mean, you can talk to me about Mom and Dad."
"No point."
"I know you got stuck with me—"
"Jelani, I did not get stuck with you." Loke said with a sharpness in his tone, he looked down at him and furrowed his brow but just as quickly he softened his features. "Truth is…I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing…never mind." He chastised himself for being careless. There was so much he hid from Jelani, he didn't want him to know certain things, mostly pertaining to him, and that was one of them. Just one of the many things he swallowed and buried.
"I'm not little anymore—well…in the grand scheme of things I am still little but I'm not that little anymore."
"Look, Jay—"
"I know what you meant." Jelani confessed. "I just wanted you to tell me yourself. You swallow and bottle everything up and one way or another it's gonna come out whether it's walking down a long road or when you think I'm asleep and you cry yourself to sleep."
Loke swallowed hard as he felt the burning sensation in his eyes, an all too common and known sensation he'd been acquainted with for almost a decade now, there was also a burning sensation across his face. He hadn't known about Jelani knowing about any of that, he tried to be so careful not to let Jelani see him like that, mostly to avoid conversations like the one they were currently having but to also feign some semblance of strength as to not worry him. He was the one that was supposed to take care of his little brother, not the other way around. An archaic way of thinking but one he'd clung onto as a way to find purpose in his life, not to mention it was his nature as an older brother and a protective one at that.
"Do you remember when I told you that I didn't like it when you'd refer to me as a girl?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, it took me a long time to tell you because I was afraid you'd get mad at me but I had to tell you because every time you did I got mad because it didn't feel right. I also didn't know why it felt wrong and I wanted to know why it felt that way. So if I hadn't told you you'd still be calling me your little sister and I wouldn't have known why I felt that way."
Loke was flabbergasted. He understood exactly what Jelani was trying to convey. Whether he was using himself as a form of manipulation was up for debate but he didn't care at the moment, in fact, he wouldn't ever care. He was stunned at an 11-year-old's way of communicating to him what he needed to hear. He shouldn't have been surprised though. Loke often said that kids were not stupid and they knew far more than they let on, this was especially true for his own little brother. Ever observant. Ever analyzing.
"I don't talk about Mom and Dad because even now it still hurts. I miss them and…uh…and I guess part of me doesn't know what I'm doing and I'm scared I might mess up. I'm scared I might hurt you. I'm scared I might lose you. I'm scared. I'm terrified actually. You're all I have left and if I lost you too I think I'd lose me too. Just…gone. Believe it or not I'm trying the best that I can, I'm trying to keep you safe, happy, and healthy. I don't know if I'm doing any of this right. It feels like I don't know anything and half the time I'm guessing. Maybe I'm trying way too hard. I don't know. It feels selfish but most of the time I miss Mom and Dad because I don't have them to guide me through it anymore and that scares the fuck out of me. I'm pissed off at them as well. Why the fuck did both of them go off to fight those raiders? It doesn't make any sense! They shoulda stayed home, grabbed us and gotten all our asses into Megaton and then gotten us all the fuck out of DC! But oh no, no, they had to arm up and go after a pack of rabid raiders, got killed and left us—left a kid to look after a toddler! Who the fuck does that!?" Loke's voice broke at the end. He stopped in the middle of the road and lowered his head as he placed one hand on his hip and the other was used to muffle his sobbing.
Jelani stopped and turned around to look at Loke. He was silently watching his brother while trying to fight the urge to hug him. He needed this and a hug would stall the entire thing.
"I hate that they did that but I can't bring myself to hate them. I hate that that guy from Megaton came to our door and told me my parents had been killed fending off some raiders. I hate the fact that two highly skilled and deadly soldiers got one upped by some lowly shit eating raiders. I hate the fact that I had to stop being a kid overnight and started being both mom and dad instead of your big brother. I hate the fact that your life is in the palm of my hands when I don't know what fuck I'm doing! I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and it's not fucking fair!" Loke's legs gave out and he fell to the ground with a solid thud as he screamed. He wanted to lay down and pass out, for once he just wanted to malfunction and not give a damn. For once he didn't want to have to be strong or capable. He wanted to disintegrate into nothing. As he sobbed and cried, like he'd never cried before, like the years of grief he hadn't allowed himself to feel flowed through and out of his body, he brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs and let his head collapse with a thud into his arms and kept crying. He thought he had no more tears to shed.
"I love you." He sobbed. "You will never know how much I love you because if it wasn't for you I woulda killed myself years ago. If it wasn't for you I woulda given up. When I answered the door and he told me that Mom and Dad were gone I just stopped, like, everything stopped and…" Loke trailed off unsure of what else to say or even if there was more to say. He just cried.
Jelani had kept his distance and merely watched, he cried as he watched his older brother break into pieces right before his eyes. He wasn't crying for himself, he cried for his older brother, every time he spoke and his voice broke something within him shattered. To him Loke was the epitome of strength and courage and to see him broken and crying felt like everything had gone wrong with the world, like the bombs had fallen all over again and the world ended for a second time. Once Loke stopped talking he walked up to him, sat next to him and cuddled up to him.
"You wanna hold on to Mom?" Jelani whispered as he held his brother.
Loke merely nodded as he continued to cry. Jelani let go of him for a moment and reached into his shirt and removed a single dogtag with a scratched out logo of the Enclave on one side and Sanaa's information on the other side. As he held the tag in his hands he felt a bit of sadness wash over him, having his mom right now to help ease Loke's pain would've been ideal but she wasn't there, she'd never be there ever again. Jelani placed the tag over Loke and reached into his shirt to bring out their dad's dog tag so both could silently sit around Loke's neck. It wasn't much but it was all they had of their parents and both carried them with a deep sense of pride. Both soldiers that had gone AWOL. Sanaa, part of the feared and dreaded Enclave, Ingvarr, part of the elite group of soldiers known as veteran rangers with the NCR. Their own reputations tainted in the eyes of many, Ingvarr himself being one of them. Sanaa had grown disillusioned with the Enclave at a very young age though she excelled in her training to prepare her for her own escape from the group. When Jelani let go of Sanaa's tag it clinked as it hit Ingvarr's. He preferred to carry his mom with him but there was something soothing about seeing both tags together. There wasn't much to say so Jelani went back to hugging Loke.
After some time passed Jelani figured they couldn't stay in the middle of the road so he got back up and looked around. He suddenly remembered the map and reached into Loke's jacket to grab it and take a look, he measured their location, or at least the closest he figured they were. Apparently to the south side of the road there was a location marked in the map as a caravan safe house. He knew of those. Caravan people often used them to rest or spend the night in them, as a thank you they'd leave something behind that could be useful to someone else, He'd make sure they left something. He guessed where south was given the direction they were walking and the location in the map as well as corroborating with the location of the sun.
Loke was non-responsive, he was half awake but he wasn't responding to anything Jelani was asking. He figured it was time to take the reigns. Loke had been taking care of him his entire life, now it was his turn to take care of him. He managed to get Loke up to his feet and grabbed his hand and guided him, he never asked where they were headed or even pulled back, he just went wherever Jelani guided him, every so often Jelani could hear him sniffle. He appreciated the fact that it couldn't have been easy to do what he did, letting out all those bottled up feelings must have drained him almost completely. Jelani knew what to do though.
A few minutes from the road was a quaint and small little Victorian style house. The paint was mostly peeled off but from the outside it looked sturdy and clean enough though some of the second floor windows were boarded up, might have been a quick fix for broken windows. The boys passed by a crooked sign that said "safe" in big bold red paint, underneath it Jelani could make out something along the words of bed and breakfast, whatever that meant. He was hoping there was no one else in the house though he wouldn't have a problem sharing a space with other people, this was only temporary until Loke could manage to start moving again.
He sat Loke on a chair on the porch and peeked inside, there seemed to be no movement though there was a second floor, maybe someone could've been upstairs. He looked up and saw an oil lantern, it was off, according to traders and caravans if a safe house was occupied it was asked of occupants to light the lanterns to let other people know if there were people in the building. It was first come, first serve. If the group that occupied a safe house first weren't keen on sharing a space they were under no obligation to do so. With it being off Jelani figured it was safe to go in though he wanted to make sure it was actually safe. He reached into Loke's backpack and grabbed the loaded N99. He ejected the magazine and checked that it was loaded, he checked the chamber, and made sure the safety was still on. He grasped the pistol in his hand and with the other opened the front door, he carefully removed the safety and as if hearing Loke's voice echoing in his head he kept his trigger finger away from the trigger as he aimed the gun up making sure to keep it away from his head.
He quietly checked the inside of the building but before moving on he checked behind the door. He moved on from the entrance to the living room, checked all closets he came across and though most were empty or had some clothing, most likely left by previous occupants, there seemed to be no eminent danger. He carefully made his way towards the kitchen. He checked every drawer, every cupboard and even the fridge. As ridiculous as it felt as he searched he could hear Loke in the back of his head telling him it was better to be safe than sorry. As he made his way to the stairs he found a closed door on the wall of the stairs, he carefully opened it while aiming the gun and saw that it was the basement. He shuddered as he looked into the darkness that seemed to somehow peer back at him. As he shook his head he closed the door and grabbed a chair from the kitchen to barricade the door. There was no need for either of them to go down into the basement and they had a tendency to creep him out.
After that was done he made his way to the second floor and made a sweep of every single room including the closets and even pulled the shower's curtain aside. Everything seemed to be in order. He put the gun's safety back on and cheerily made his way down to the porch where Loke was, he grabbed their backpacks and placed them in the living room and then went to get Loke. He gently grabbed both of his hands and led him into the living room and sat him down on the sofa that was facing a fireplace, Jelani made a mental note to turn it on a little later after the sun went down and it got chillier. He took the N99 and placed it back exactly where he found it, he let out a giggle as he placed it back, it was fun wielding it even if it was for checking the premises.
"I'm sorry, little guy." Loke said as he continued to sit almost frozen in place, his eyes were still glazed over and half closed.
"It's okay, Spots." Jelani said, his tone was soft and gentle. He stood in front of Loke and held his hands as gently as he could. "We're a team, right? You take care of me and I take care of you."
Loke carefully placed his forehead on Jelani's and closed his eyes for a moment as he inhaled and sighed. He felt tired and exposed but even as tired as he was he gently nuzzled his little brother's nose with his which caused Jelani to giggle gleefully.
"Love you!" Jelani said as he continued to giggle.
"Really?"
"Really, really!" Jelani declared as he nuzzled him back and hugged him as tight as he could.
Loke laid down on the sofa and quickly fell asleep, it wasn't long before he was snoring loudly, it always made Jelani laugh but it put him at ease too. He knew that Loke only did that when he was really asleep and actually resting. Before he could forget Jelani grabbed a lighter and went outside to light the lantern in case any travelers came around.
It was still too early for dinner and with Loke fast asleep, the house secure, and with nothing else to do Jelani had two choices: play on the Pip-Boy or read. He chose to read. He rummaged through his backpack and took the book he started to read several days ago, 'I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings', he moved one of the seats closer to the sofa, curled up with a bottle of clean water, some snacks, and spent a few hours reading.
When he noticed a shift in the natural lighting Jelani looked up and noticed the sun was starting to set. He sighed contently knowing he'd tackled about ninety pages. He finished the last paragraph of the page, marked his place using an old dried out flower, placed the book back into his backpack and looked over at Loke, he was still fast asleep."Good." He thought to himself as he made his way into the kitchen to start making dinner.
The kitchen was adequately stocked with utensils, plates, bowls, pots and pans. He tried the sink but no water came out, he wasn't surprised though he gave it a try anyway, it was rare but some houses did have running water thanks to Wasteland ingenuity and stubbornness. He perked up when he remembered that as he looked through the cupboards there were a few gallons of water though he wasn't sure if it was clean or not so he went to Loke's backpack and grabbed the old Geiger counter and ran back to the water. Loke always told him to make sure to check any water he comes across no matter how clean it looks. Just because it looked clean it didn't mean it was. As the gadget lit up the readings came back as normal which was a relief but he still had to boil the water. After he put the Geiger counter back he ran back into the kitchen and put two of the largest pots with plenty of water to boil so they could take a bath. He put two smaller ones to boil to use that water to clean and prepare the meal. He went through a mental checklist Loke had made him learn years ago for such cases. He took no shortcuts, shortcuts meant contaminated food and contaminated food meant getting very sick. As he prepared the food he also cleaned whatever he wasn't using anymore, he wanted to leave the kitchen exactly as he found it: spotless and organized.
Dinner didn't take too long to prepare, he served both plates, placed them on the table and covered them as he wanted to take a bath before eating so he carefully grabbed one of the large pots and took it to the bathroom upstairs, he then went to grab some clean clothes and went back upstairs to take a bath. Normally he liked cool and fresh water but as the temperature dropped he figured the warm water would feel good. He didn't mind being out on the road but he missed the convenience of being in an actual house, he'd happily take a mattress over a sleeping bag any day. They'd been on the road for a few weeks already and the novelty of sleeping under the stars or both he and Loke jumping into a non-radiated creek to take a bath was wearing thin. He wasn't sure just how far from DC Loke wanted to get, sometimes it felt like he wanted to leave the planet altogether, but he figured they were far enough away. He'd checked the map himself and they seemed to be at least a week away from a place called New Vegas. He'd talk it over with Loke at a later date, for now he wanted to enjoy a well deserved and rather invigorating bath.
After he was done taking a bath and getting dressed he was going to sit down and eat but stopped as he passed by the living room. Loke always waited for him, he knew Jelani was a very picky eater and he always made sure to wait for him to see if he liked the meal before eating, it only felt right to return the favor. Jelani walked up to Loke and very carefully shook him while calling him.
"Spots."
Loke groaned as he opened his eyes and looked around haphazardly.
"Wh—what is it? Where are we?" He was disoriented. Perhaps it was from the long nap or his earlier breakdown.
"We're in a safe house." Jelani answered with a rather happy look on his face but as he saw Loke looking around he began to frown. "You don't remember walking over here?"
"Not really, no." He said as he pulled the blanket off himself while sitting up.
"Well, that's okay." Jelani took a step back and faced his brother while he stood straight up and held his hands behind his back almost like a soldier reporting to a commander. "I checked the premises, there was no one inside. I checked every room, every closet, every drawer, cupboard and even the fridge…except for the basement…it was dark and creepy so I barricaded it with a chair. Boiled water for both of us to take a bath, I already took a bath, and I made dinner."
"You made dinner?" Loke said as he yawned and rubbed one of his eyes. He looked towards the dinning room and saw two covered plates neatly placed on it and then looked back at Jelani and smiled. "Baby, you didn't have to do that, you should've woken me up."
"I wanted to let you sleep and rest. Don't worry, I checked the water with the Geiger thing and it wasn't radiated but I still boiled every bit of water I used and I cleaned all the food before I prepared it like ya taught me."
Loke couldn't help but smile. He leaned forward and ruffled Jelani's hair as he said, "You're fucking adorable, you know that?"
"I know." Jelani giggled as he relaxed his posture. "You wanna take a bath before dinner or after?"
"After, I'm actually pretty hungry."
The truth was that Loke wasn't exactly hungry, he was just tired and wanted to keep sleeping but seeing as how Jelani went through the trouble of making dinner he figured he'd eat, surprisingly the meal looked and smelled great. Not that he doubted his brother's ability to cook a meal but it was the first time he did so unsupervised. The more he ate the more he found his appetite returning to him to the point of getting seconds, which was unlike him, he usually let Jelani have a go and only then Loke would scrape whatever was left for himself. He felt selfish doing so.
Both were silent as they ate their dinner, wasn't uncommon but Loke felt there was something hanging in the air, something unspoken though he wasn't sure if it was something he wanted to say or if it was something Jelani wanted to say. At some point he put the fork down and just stared at his brother. Jelani was not the type to lie, as far as kids were concerned he was damn near perfect. He never fought with Loke, he never got into serious trouble—aside from that time he was caught hacking into one of the neighbor's terminal on a dare. Yet Loke always wondered about something, not in a malicious way, but he often wondered.
"Jela?" Loke hesitated, there'd been enough talk of the past to last a lifetime, yet he needed to ask. "If I ask you something you promise to be honest with me?"
"What's up?"
"Do you uh…" He kept hesitating. Maybe he just didn't know if he'd be able to process the answer and in some wretched way that twisted his insides he wasn't sure if he'd believe any answer he'd give him. "Do you really not remember Mom and Dad?"
"Kinda remember what they looked like. Mostly I remember Mom had a really soft voice, sometimes she'd sing and you'd join her in singing. Dad would just watch and smile. Just bits here and there, nothing concrete, you know?"
Loke remembered that. Sanaa had a beautiful and soft voice, she loved to sing while she did chores around the house. He did remember joining in from time to time. Sanaa would turn the radio on to either Agatha's station or GNR and would sing along to the songs, everyone knew the lyrics by the time they were old enough to talk, GNR just repeated the same songs over and over, like somehow the war had destroyed every other record that existed. He felt satisfied with that answer and felt a rotten feeling in the pit of his stomach for having doubted Jelani, the topic was a sensitive one and Loke just seemed to be looking for some semblance of an answer though he wasn't sure where. He carried so much grief and while he was thankful that Jelani didn't he was envious of him. How would he mourn his parents if he didn't remember much about them and didn't feel so attached? Part of him wanted to forget them but part of him tried so hard to keep their memory alive in his head, it was maddening.
"I kinda feel bad that I don't remember much about them." Jelani said and Loke blinked rapidly as if Jelani's words had broken his concentration. "There's some stuff but sometimes their faces are a bit blurry. I guess I loved them but not as much as I love you. You're all I know." Jelani's brows furrowed and he looked serious for a moment like a thought crossed his mind that he'd rather not entertain but couldn't help. "Loke?"
Loke looked at Jelani, it was rare to hear him call him but his name instead of a nickname, it almost felt like static in his ears.
"Promise you won't die." There was a shake in his voice that sent a shiver up Loke's spine.
"Oh, honey, I can't promise that."
"Please?" Tears were beginning to form on the corner of his eyes.
"Hey, hey, come on, little guy." Loke stood up and walked over to his little brother and knelt to be eye to eye with him. He gently cupped his face in his hands and wiped away a stray tear with his thumb. "I can't promise that but no matter what I'll be with you. I'll probably be with you until you're really, really old and we're holed up in some underground bunker with a bunch of old dogs and scaring the locals for shits and giggles probably drunk off some 2oo-year-old beer. Okay?"
"Okay…but you better last that long." Jelani sniffled as he hugged Loke tightly and rested his head on his shoulder. Loke returned the hug and closed his eyes and just took in the moment. He hated seeing Jelani cry it felt like a punch to the gut, he tried so hard to make sure that he's happy that sometimes he forgot that the death of their parents, the very subject of it, also affected him as much as it affected Loke. After a few seconds he picked up Jelani and brought him to the living room and sat him down on the seat that had been pushed up against the sofa, patted him and gave him a kiss on the top of his head.
"I'll take care of the dishes, honey. No training tonight I'm kind of out of it and tired. Read or play on the Pip-Boy while I clean the dishes and take a bath."
"Okay." Jelani replied sheepishly.
After cleaning the dishes Loke grabbed some clothes, a towel, the only one he had, grabbed the water that Jelani had boiled earlier which he figured was more than likely cold by now and went upstairs to take a bath. Loke wasn't one for finding comfort in water but taking a bath just felt meditative to him. Like the water and soap washed away everything not just the day's grime and dust but today it felt truer than other times, part of him was still numb from breaking down earlier, he was glad he'd managed to just lay down and sleep for as long as he did. It felt cathartic, like some type of pressure was released from an infected wound. That's how he felt most of the time, like an infected wound that was left out to fester. He hated the feeling. It was draining and holding on to old wounds was counterproductive, he had better things to do and yet he couldn't let it go. He felt cheated like he'd been forbidden to choose what to do with his life and was forced to do what he was currently doing and he hated feeling that way. He meant it when he told Jelani that he wasn't stuck with him but at the same time he was. It was a rotten and disgusting feeling to think that, he imagined it was what drinking acid and liquid radiation was like. How could he feel like he was stuck with his own brother? He's the only family he has left and he wasn't about to abandon his little brother just because he felt depressed about losing his parents and being forced to become a parent at just seventeen.
As he lathered up the soap in his hands he shook his head. Aside from grief there was an anger deep inside him that every so often would peek out and make itself known to him and he hated it too. And yet he thought about himself back when he was fifteen in his room late at night wishing to see the Wasteland for himself and it was exactly what he was doing at that very moment. Since they left DC they'd seen a lot of things they never would've seen if they'd stayed in DC, they saw different animals, saw different towns, places with actual vegetation, as weird as it looked and even sounded at times, saw and met so many different people, made temporary friends, temporary enemies and saw fascinating sights. Even better was the fact that he wasn't alone to experience it. He had his little brother who found glee and joy in everything they saw together. Every ruin was exciting to Jelani, he'd run head on to explore testing Loke's stamina to try and keep up with him. Everything and everyone was exciting for him, like the Wasteland was a wonder to him that needed to be thoroughly explored. Loke loved that about Jelani, his innocence made everything so much more exciting to experience and it was contagious. He often found himself smiling as he watched his little brother exploring some old ruin and trying to find information about the place or making up what they, mostly he, thought the ruin used to be before the war. It was adorable in every sense of the word. Most days Loke felt happy and he genuinely smiled having Jelani around, even on those days where he wasn't feeling well he knew Jelani could sense it and he did everything he could try to make Loke feel better, he'd succeed at it too. Feeling his little hand wrap around his and his soft "I love you"s were enough to pull him back from going further into the abyss. He might be small but one hug would always be enough to warm Loke up at his core and he'd find his port in the storm. Without his little brother he never would've lasted that long, he wasn't stuck with him, he was saved by him.
This new line of thought felt rejuvenating and gave him a different perspective into his current situation. He was sure it would take a while to get over the sudden death of his parents but he figured he'd get there eventually. Jelani wasn't holding him back from doing whatever he wanted with his life, he was the one holding himself back. He had to admit that before Astrid and Jørgen had been murdered by raiders he had a good thing going. He'd managed to get in with a small independent group of mercenaries; he always looked older than his actual age so when he said he was twenty-three when he was seventeen no one questioned him. The caps were admittedly a lot better than he wanted to admit. Jelani would be dropped off at Astrid and Jørgen's house in the morning and after the contract was finished he'd be back home in the afternoon to make dinner and spend a few hours training Jelani. Both of their needs were taken care of and he had help, it wasn't as bad as he was remembering it. He also had to admit that maybe he did know what he was doing. Jelani managed to find the safe house, made sure it was safe, used the appropriate measures to handle the water and even made dinner while Loke slept his break down away in the living room. It was all things he'd taught him and not only did they stick but it proved useful. Maybe he was cut out to be a father.
Once Loke was done taking a bath and brushing his teeth he made his way back down to the living room and smiled when he saw Jelani on the love seat that he'd pushed against the sofa. He was small enough to fit comfortably there so Loke left him there. He reached into his backpack and took out a small blanket and covered Jelani with it. He climbed on the sofa, covered himself with his own blanket and turned to look at Jelani. Shame and guilt washed over him as he remembered his break down earlier in the day, he never wanted him to see him that way. Jelani was right though, one way or another everything he bottled up was going to eventually come back out and he figured he'd reached the absolute limit today.
Morning came and Loke woke up, as he looked around he realized he had a bit of a headache though he brushed it off. When he looked forward he realized that sometime in the middle of the night Jelani had crawled over to him and had slept beside him and instinctively, at least Loke decided it was, had wrapped him up in his arms and held him tightly. His barely audible and tiny snores made Loke smile. It was odd for Loke to be up before Jelani. Usually Jelani was up at some ungodly hour with his teeth brushed and if available already bathed and ready for the day. He figured the previous day had also been draining for him so he very slowly and carefully sat up on the sofa and made sure to leave the blanket draped over Jelani as the morning felt a bit chilly. As the morning chill hit him he slightly shivered as he hunched over and looked around. Sunlight peered in through the windows and he could hear birds singing, it was a pretty pleasant feeling. He stood up and went towards the front door and looked out the window to his left to take a look outside, the sky was a mix of pale pink, yellow, and orange with the light from the rising sun starting to peek from beyond the tree line. There was still some faint mist gathered on the grass and Loke wondered just how early it was. He went back into the living room and towards Jelani's backpack, there was an old watch tied to one of the straps and according to it it was 06:06 in the morning. Loke looked at it in shock. He hadn't been up that early in years but he figured he'd slept far too much yesterday.
He shrugged and headed back up to the bathroom to wash up. He actually felt well rested. As he climbed up the stairs he tried to remember if he'd woken up in the middle of the night like he usually did but he couldn't remember waking up at night. He slept through the entire night. Maybe having a meltdown every so often would be good for him he joked to himself as he entered the bathroom.
