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2026.1.24 🌰 Makaino Farm, Asagiri Kogen, at the foot of Mt. Fuji

2026.1.24 🌰 まかいの牧場（朝霧高原）

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Sobriety often brings friendships and family connections into sharp focus and reveals patterns we could not see clearly before. For me, this clarity came after I stopped my nightly cannabis use, which had been part of my life for five years, even though I was not addicted in the traditional sense. I had long realized that I was suppressing emotions, but I did not see that numbing myself also dulled the clarity and energy I needed to express my needs. I now see how I was giving pieces of myself without receiving the same care and attention for my whole self, especially during difficult times, and how I had been accepting crumbs of affection.

I also realized how exhausting it is to people-please, always curating which parts of myself are ‘acceptable’ to share while hiding my struggles and pain. One friendship in particular became the starting point for reviewing all of my connections. This person labeled friends as “drama free or not” and only reached out on their own terms, treating me as entertainment rather than a full human being with a complex inner life. It made me realize that real connection happens when people can see and accept all of you, not just the convenient parts.

What has been most revealing is how people respond when I express my feelings with this new clarity. Their reactions tell me everything I need to know and confirm what I already sensed deep down. I am thankful for those who stood by me through my heaviest chapters. Yet I now see that for some, that is the only version of me they can hold in their minds. The dynamic will always remain unbalanced. I am still going through a rough time, and these years feel more like survival than living, but at least I no longer have to fit into a role that exists only in someone else’s expectations.

Gaining clarity while others still operate from the old dynamic can feel isolating. But it is even more isolating when you cannot pour your heart out and be met with the emotional depth and intelligence you long for. It is isolating when people put timelines on your heavy chapters, or on how long you should heal, not understanding that it is a lifelong process with ups and downs. It is also isolating when they impose time frames on how long you are ‘allowed’ to be heartbroken, grieving, or sad, or when they do not understand how recurrent depression works. That kind of conditional support is not really support at all.

As isolating as it can be, one thing about me is that I have never been afraid to walk alone. I have endured the heaviest storms on my own since a very young age. I just needed to be reminded of that. Over the last two years, I have prayed for clarity… for a good look at the people in my life and how I relate to them. Now, one year and seven months into sobriety, I have exactly that. It has helped me understand myself and my patterns more deeply, and in turn I can better understand others and my relationships with them.

I am thankful for the clarity I have gained, because it reminds me that not everyone is meant to stay, and not everyone deserves my energy or presence. The past year and seven months have stripped away illusions I didn’t even know I had, and in their place I’ve found a deeper connection to myself. My table may have fewer seats now, but every one of them is sacred, and I am learning that is more than enough.