#02-2022

[superstarfighter]

One of the few sunny days while I prepared for the exams.

[superstarfighter]

Practicing for the Intro to Literary studies exam. The exam itself was absolutely horrible, way too stressful but I passed (with a bad-ish grade [3.0] that was surprisingly still above average [3.3; 1.0 being the best grade possible]). I also worry too much about grades.

[superstarfighter]

February 15 2022 :: Online exams are weird. (and stressful.)

[superstarfighter]

February 6, 2022 :: To test out the upload function for our maths exam, we were advised to upload a random picture to the platform. This was my contribution. Since the exam, which went well (2 weeks ago), I have had dreams that not all the photos were uploaded (thus, submitted) and that my grade suffered because of it. :')

[superstarfighter]

February 18, 2022 :: Went to the city center to buy a nice blouse for my interview and the local hands-on science museum for kids. I was joined by a friend to make shopping bearable and we went on and had falafel.

[hemoclysmic]

13/02–31/03-22

you're possessed, look this child in the eyes.

there's something dark in you.

look this child in the eyes.

tell it.

as you twist this child's skin, as you dig your fingers into its flesh, look it in the eyes, and tell it.

you have something very dark inside you.

you're dirty within.

pray over this broken babe, atonement for your sins, a burden unladen unto you. this little life. drown it's head in blessed water and stick needles in it like a doll. a small, aching thing.

look this child in the eyes.

look. it. in. its. eyes.

if you have to turn it by its chin, if you have to pry them open, if you have to move to catch it or take up its entire field of view.

pierce it's eardrums, dig your shrillest in and twist it.

look it in the eyes, cut through them. and tell it.

hold it's fluttering hands still. tamp down a bobbing knee. still the rocking. force a tolerance (numbness. disconnect.) if you cut it out from it's body, this too is an exorcism.

too old for it's age.

this means: too much pain for such a small body.

it means: a child blind to other children.

it means: too much and too little, always off beat.

you've always been a bit haunted.

she said

you've always been a bit haunted.

maybe

don't fucking haunt me then.

[hemoclysmic]

22/02-22

i'm on your porch. sitting obedient, tail down. whining to let you know i don't care.

i wanna grip your face in my hands and yell that you're losing me, force you to pretend like its not on purpose, just one last time.

Do you even say it for a laugh anymore? Or just because you can. Because you didn't notice, but at some point, you just started liking the way it felt when i let you speak to me like that and you meant it.

I'm not your mutt.

i'm an arrow from the forest, spearhead mouth and forward eyes. i carry parasites and pests and death. i drop them at your door.

i flash something double from the treeline.

i'm a howl in the night.

your walls and windows leach heat, is all. you shouldn't feed it. you shouldn't crouch down, offering your hand just to see. if you want something tame, you get something tamed, because i won't step in the same snare twice, you hear me? and you're begging to be bitten like you haven't before.

i'm not.

[superstarfighter]

February 17, 2022 :: Visited the hands-on science center near university. My last exam was on Feb 16 (Maths I; in which I also had to calculate and argue whether shapes like triangles and hexagons would be suitable for tiling (they are), so stopping at the shapes station was a bit fun), so this was my first day off, really. Afterwards, I had a high alert on my Corona-warning app. Hooray, this is why I don't leave my house :')