IM NOT IN LOVE; WE ARE NOT IN LOVE.
sometimes i think i'm a terrible person. sometimes i don't actually think out my actions all the way. you know those people who always take it slow and never take a risk. and people are always like just got for it? that's not me at all. i take the biggest risks, and i never let anything get in my way. or well at least i try not to let anything get in my way. if something did, i would just push it or yell at it til it moved. when i'm lonely is when i fuck up the most. it's when i don't think the most, and just do. i say things that i don't mean, and do things that i would never do. most of the time to people who don't even deserve it. when i am lonely, i sit and wonder 'why does this happen to me?' but i never actually think about the real reason as to why i'm alone.
i'm alone because i am a bitch. i don't take shit and people feel threatened by that. they also don't like to hang around 'debbie downer'. i'm alone because i complain way too much and i talk a lot of shit. no matter who it's about. whether it's someone i know, or someone who i just saw for the first time today. i'm alone because i give my heart away too easily, and therefore people take advantage of me. they don't take how i feel into consideration. i'm alone because i'm selfish. i'm alone because i would rather just hang out with my best friend all weekend in my room, talking, than go out and party or whatever. i'm alone not because i want to be, but because i don't think about the consequences. i don't think about what will happen in the future, or how this person will treat me in the end.
when your like me, you don't ask for a lot. yet you ask for everything in the world. as silly as that sounds, it's the truth. i would love to just be loved by someone. yet they have to be everything that i want before they can even think about loving me.
i'm so unhappy, it's not even funny anymore. i miss you, and i only want you. i just spent a year trying to get you, and then i did. but soon after, i lost you. i feel so stupid. i wish i could take everything i said back. you didn't deserve that. i love you, and only you. that's why it's best if i just stay single, and alone for a while. no good in hurting someone else, while i'm still in love with another. i know that i wouldn't want someone who is with me to be thinking of someone else while we were hanging out, like i do to you. i feel so bad for that. but he is just always on my mind. i thought i was ready, but i'm no where close to it. i need to be my own person and stand on my own two feet for now. you're sweet, and i think that's why this is going to hurt so much. i never should have gotten with you. not yet anyway. it is just way too soon for me. i mean, i could pretend forever if i had to, but i don't want to. i don't want to hurt you any longer. i guess what i'm trying to say is, i'm not in love... with you. i'm sorry for leading you on so badly. i really am.
