Life - Chapter Two 03-25-2015
So I’m awake now. Have been for two hours, I guess.
The house is pretty quiet. No one’s here but me. My mom and Chibi have gone off to the library. My grandma will be coming home sometime today, we don’t know exactly when. It’s just me and my thoughts. Kinda lonely.
I have this friend, who’s practically my moirail (aka platonic soulmate) but I’ve gotten the sense that she wants us to be more. Now, I’m straight as a pole while she’s Bi. And I accept that. One of the things I can’t deal with is the fact that she’s been trying to subtly manipulate me into staying here when I have plans to leave this state and go back to Utah.
I never really felt like I had roots here, I kinda do but my heart is always pointing towards that salty lake known as the remnants of the great lake Bonneville. Utah is where my heart resides. Not here. Not where I am currently.
Plus, I have to take in the realistic cost of living here. Waay too expensive for me. Especially when I don’t even have a job yet and I live in a small town that needs someone from the inside to recommend you. Like I’ve said, I don’t have any roots here. No way am I finding a job here.
Yes the weather is wonderful but I just.... I actually miss the cold winters, the actual reason for hot chocolate. Though i’m not supper enthusiastic of driving in the snow when I haven’t done it before but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
My friend has the tendency to plan out things without my say and then when I say something to contradict her life plans with me in it, well... I’m the one who feels guilty. And that’s not okay. Plus (as earlier mentioned) she wants us to be more. And I’ve also realized that some of the “platonic” stuff we’ve been doing like cuddling and just having less of a bubble of personal space, has lead to my body reacting in ways that I know I can’t emotionally follow up on.
I’m a person who’s love language is touch. It feels good to let someone get that close. But its dangerous and I can’t follow through with it. So I’ve been distancing myself from her a bit. And I feel that I need to let our friendship fade out once we’ve graduated. I can’t let myself be as close to her anymore otherwise there’s just gonna be heartbreak. And as her moirail, I can’t let that happen.
Yes, this will hurt but it’ll be a natural hurt. We’re already kinda drifting. I only have a few more months of this. I can survive it, right?
