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be different, babe.

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I’m kind of a handful. I fall in love very quickly and I care very deeply. I feel everything a million times more than I should and it takes a lot for me to cry. I used to cry all the time but now it just feels like a waste of energy. I keep getting headaches, I’m not sure if it’s from too many cigarettes or too much time spent stressing about what you think of me. I get very depressed and just wanna feel comfortable. Not just in my environment, but in my own skin. I like eating in bed, and sometimes I fall asleep with a box of cookies or bag of chips next to me. I love doing laundry but I put it all off until I have nothing to wear, which means my room is always a wreck and I get too overwhelmed to clean it. I live in constant chaos which ultimately adds to the chaos in my brain. I feel stranded and alone and lied to the majority of the time and I’m sorry if I ever try and push you away because of it. I also go through extensive bouts of mania. I almost white out from feeling too much. I want to spend all of my money on shit I don’t need and sleep with guys that think I’m dirt; and avoid my bed, because that would be safe. I’ve become a lot more aware of it in the last year and I don’t let it control my life anymore. I think I’ve been manic for as long as I can remember, which makes getting to know me a little difficult because I don’t know who the fuck I am at this point. I hope I’m meeting and exceeding your expectations of who I am though. I’m going to continue figuring out who I am, and I would be overjoyed if you went on this journey with me. But please remember, I’m kind of a handful.

#062217

june 22, 2017.

A lot happened today, rightfully so. The beginning of the day on its own was the celebration of our one month together. We might seem insane to others because at one month we are already engaged and more in love than ever. It might even seem to some that it’s not real and we are only convincing ourselves of whatever we feel but it’s not that way and I see that just clearly as our friends and i know you do. We really are in love, we really do share so much and we really are compatible.

Your surprise was the most amazing thing ever, i won’t lie. I knew it had something to do with the color red and that alone made it special because you know how much i like that color and it’s not something you find me weird for or that you question. you just accept my love for colors and you give me nice things, like those red silk sheets. i have no idea how you managed to find those, or even buy them. i have no clue how you managed to find sheets that perfectly matched the image i had of the ones we had spoken of not very long before the actual event. everything was amazing, you looked beautiful in the candle light you set up, the roses complimented everything so perfectly, the aroma you set for us and the delicacy of the sheets that matched all the detail you had set up. i will never forget it

I suppose my surprise was pretty nice as well, though i suck at keeping quiet about anything much and i think i was pretty messy when it came to delivering it. dinner was great but that’s only because i managed to pick a nice place where we could eat romantically, i loved being able to hold your hand in public even if the moonlight was out and it meant that not many people could see. even little things like that or kissing your cheek made me feel as proud as i ever do to be out with you as your boyfriend. thank you for agreeing to go with me even though things were really messy and we had a bit of a harsh moment in the middle of everything. thank you for baring with me and keeping me calm, thank you for being so cute and surprised when you saw her too. you make me so happy, your excitement and your happiness make me so happy. i’m so so glad that i was able to introduce her to you, our little fish finally in our lives like you were waiting for. she loves you so much and i know she is glad she is part of your life like you are glad to have her. we are going to love her a lot together and i will stop denying her as my daughter :’) thank you again. i love you and happy one month.

#062217