it’s easily been about six hours since he opened his eyes, unaware of half the words he had said last night. mostly unaware of those that put him in a promising situation, one he had been trying to avoid ever since he realized it. but there was just something different this time, why did he feel so bent on bringing it up to the two people that he loved the most? what was driving him to bring the topic back up when it had clearly destroyed them recently? it was doyoung. because even if last night he forgot how incredibly hard this was going to be and how much it would bring him down if their reaction was what he expected, he didn’t forget the way doyoung spoke to him. the strength he never failed to emit to him, he didn’t forget that if he ever felt motivated to do what he wanted to do it was when doyoung told him he could. here he is, in his room, then the kitchen, then the living room, all around the house unsure of how to start. ‘’i’ll call them in an hour.’’ he said for the past four hours, the other two he had spent much too preoccupied with it or not thinking about it at all, it was a game of pushing it past his mind, of procrastinating on something that was not even remotely close to work- it was a responsibility nonetheless. one that came with a lot of baggage if things turned out the way he expected them to.
he waited, and waited, and waited. convincing himself that this was not necessary, it wasn’t something he had to do. though his thoughts were partially true, if he let himself back out now then in a way his parents would be right. they’d never let him get away with it, they would never allow him to be who he was in peace. this was him proving a point, this was him saying that he wasn’t going to change because he didn’t need to, because he had someone beside him that made him want to be this way forevermore. the purposeful waiting only good to bunch up his nervousness in one huge clutter that suffocated all his insides. a phone with a purpose laid on the coffee table. a purpose, yes, one that he did not dare to fulfill just yet. it seemed to be mocking him every time he stared its way nervously, it seemed to dare him. Do it. Do it now. He was merely buying time, or wasting it, for fear. Of what? Unsure at this point. Mom and dad knew about his feelings, though they always seemed to almost convince him he was confused, they had already done their crying and they were doing their denial still. So why was he so scared? There was nothing else they could do right? There was no way that what had already happened could worsen but only prolong itself. It’s best he does it now rather than stir up a commotion when things are peaceful once more.
‘‘They’re the ones to change.’‘ The soothing voice of his lover played loudly enough to drown that sound of the connecting phone call and his heart beating out of his ears. ‘‘Not you.’‘ Not him. He wasn’t ill, or wrong, or weird. Doyoung said that if that was the case then so were the entirety of them. All seven them had to be flawed if Johnny was. His large hands gripped tightly on the phone while it pressed to his ear, shaking and just thanking everything that this wasn’t in person- at least there was a barrier. Something that stopped him from seeing the disappointment in their eyes again. The beeping finally replaced by an older man’s deep voice, in question, like he answered to a complete stranger. ‘‘Hello?’‘ The frail voice sounded. Johnny couldn’t help but smile at this, he hadn’t heard such passive innocence in his father’s voice in a good few weeks. It was almost like he had not heard him at all actually. It was needless to say it brought him tears to his eyes, tears he didn’t let escape so he could continue to speak. ‘’Dad, hello. How are you? How is everyone?’’ Perhaps a very silly question since last time he had seen them he had left them torn. Quiet and distraught. How else would they be? It’s only been a few days. Did he really expect change? Ah, but his father was either the one ignorant soul or the one that really believed this could turn out well. The positive attitude emitted from the older man at the other side of the line eased Johnny’s nerves, it relaxed them and spread them from the mess they were just slightly and he felt that he should just blurt it out right then and there because at any other time would probably be a bad time, at any other time he would probably be much too scared to. But it just wasn’t wise, not now.
Sadly enough his parents acted like there were never previous conversations about the same thing. Like he had not gone through hell trying to live to their expectations and like he had not tried to open up to them- mom did anyway. Johnny could never really figure out his dad. Now he was on speakerphone and it was audible the way his mom bickered with dad about how low the volume was and she could not hear her son, another smile painted on his lips as this but this time it made him a little more nervous. ‘Please don’t listen to me. Leave the volume that way.’ He thought. It had to be like a bandaid, it had to be ripped out that way and said that way because if he did it slowly then it would hurt much more than it should and it would be much more difficult all as well. ‘’I’ glad you’re doing well. I miss you guys, I know I saw you recently- we are very busy. I hope you will be thinking of us during our comeback and that we can see each other again soon.’’ Those words seemed to excite the both of them, sweet souls who only wanted the best for him but at the same time had an erroneous idea of what that was exactly, well he was about to break it to them, making small talk only pushed him to drop the subject for now and that would be a waste of time all over again. Overthought for nothing. The happiness they both obviously radiated served as a cushion for his heart drop and the sharp words he was about to squeeze into a few sentences. ‘’Umma, appa..’’ Silence took over the previously cheery environment at the end of his words, silence that clouded him addressing them and allowing him to talk. ‘’We’ve talked about the same thing lately, not that long ago i even got to see grandma because she felt that she had to talk to me about it and i’m sorry that I keep bringing it up. I apologize for straining you both of your tears and your energy with me, i know you guys want the best for me and i know you love me. I love you guys too, i love you a lot which is why I can’t keep lying to you or destroying myself with my own lies. I have to be honest.’’ Heart beat speeding up per second because the silence continued and suddenly he couldn’t think of what to say, or why he was even calling. A knot formed at the base of his throat and it seemed to block every word his brain thought of and wanted to express. He couldn’t backtrack, there was no way out of this even if he wanted one. The ring hit the light and glistened in the corner of his eye, silence still suffocating him but that one piece he wore proudly moved him around. Brought him back a reason and purpose for why he was on this couch about to cry, in this call at this very moment. ‘’I love Doyoung. Yes, Kim Doyoung. My labelmate. My member. I love him more than words could describe and we have been together for a while now. I am going to marry him someday and I needed the two of you to know… Mom and dad, I need you guys to be there when the time comes.’’
He did it. Said knot in his throat evaporated into flowing tears running down his face and he was still drowning in their silence, silence soon broken by a disappointed scoff coming from his mother. Voice becoming distant, muffled, suddenly he couldn’t understand anymore. ‘’Dad.. I know I’ve surprised you guys a lot. I wanted to this in person but-’’ But nothing. Nothing that could be more important than what his mom had to say, the tears were obvious in her voice, it was obvious that he had once more broken her heart for the third time this short month and he couldn’t think of the time he’d forgive himself for this. The distant voice of the smaller lady was soon a bold one that resonated in his ear like she thought he couldn’t hear him, perhaps after all the times she had stood by her opinion and him still defying it she really believed he couldn’t hear. It was the same cycle as the one he had seen in person, the same thing. A vocally loud opinion from mom and nothing from dad. Which makes him wish he could see them now, maybe he could hug them, maybe they’d take compassion in him if they saw the genuineness in his words and actions. It wasn’t all just to hurt them or defy them- it was him, who he is and he just wanted to be accepted by those that mattered the most to him. The words his mother expressed were soon just as loud as her voice, harsh words you’d never expect a mother to express to anyone such as her child, words that you don’t even think a kind hearted mother holds as part of her vocabulary for the simple fact of being a mother but you’re wrong. you’re so so very wrong. Johnny could hear his world crashing down, he could see the way walls crumbled and cars crashed against each other with every word that his mom made clear to him but he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t say anything. Not now. ‘’I’m sorry you feel that way mom. I hope you can see what’s truly the best for me someday.’’ But there was nothing that could bring his mom down from where she was, there was nothing that could be a reason or an excuse or anything to get her to realize right now. She felt the need to reiterate her words, her decisions towards the situation and towards him as a person and Johnny’s world was still ending right in front of him but all he did was cry and nod. ‘’Okay. Okay, umma. Okay. I understand. I apologize for bringing you problems. I will respect your decisions but I hope you know things won’t change. I lov-’’ Tiredness flooded his eyes, his face, he was tired of arguing with them. Tired of them not letting him say what he wanted. Tired of lying. But the remains of his world laid beneath him, shaken and destroyed along with himself, engulfed in his feelings, helpless, broken on the floor of the shared living room. Ready to isolate himself from the rest of the guys living in this house, to close up and let his feelings swallow him whole. maybe then he’d be able to be okay. He was tired of bringing sadness to his parents but if he was not to communicate with them or see them again, how was he meant to fix it? If his mom didn’t want sight of him, how could he call her every day to remind her he loved her without stepping over boundaries? What would be of free evenings without his dad? What would be of him?
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