25 and i still don’t know..
Is it bad.. is it? Gah fucking damn.. I’m all about him.. I have accepted him truly as a person inside and out.. but the thought of him having kids..it just really makes me think.. so much and so deep. I truly do accept him fully and whole.. and accept his kids too, but I can’t be in that position.. I don’t want to be an addition to a family.. a plus one.. every family vacation to be the one taking the pictures because it’s not MY family. I don’t want baby mama drama. I want this to be easier than it has to be.. I want to be so bad. I want to be everything he needs.. and yeah he needs a main woman in his life and I want to be that, so bad.. Why’d it have to be like this? I want to be ready.. Why couldn’t it be easier? I think it’s the fact he’s already so far ahead of me.. He’s done the whole marriage thing, the whole raising a child thing, so many firsts that I want to experience with a person... and their first as well. I’m so torn.. like this is not easy at all. I opened up to him and was so vulnerable and fuck, I love him already. Thinking about breaking my own heart fucking makes me so sad. Damn it. The fact this love is so pure and has such good intentions make me so happy with him. He makes me feel a different type of love, like a true one... one that would last because we click on a level I haven’t w/ anyone. I want him and I love him. I know I don’t need him.. the fact that I think this one would be so much longer to get over than my 3.5 year relationship really speaks volumes. I’m here 3 months in.. and really can’t imagine leaving & if i did.. I really would be broken.. I really hate this. So many fucking thoughts in my head. I’m being such a selfish bitch, I know in my heart and soul that I would never be on the top of his list and the kids will always be first and I truly am okay with that because it is his kids.. but a part of me just wants to be someone’s first choice.. someone’s number one.. I hate that quality about me. I don’t deserve to be someone’s second option.. or priority.. i deserve to be first.. I’m still insecure about his ex wife too, he’s got some type of love for her just because she’s the mother of his two kids.. and that just makes me feel like I’ll come in second to even her. Everything scares me. Do I just wake up one day and be ready to become a step mom? I don’t think so. It’s not an easy process. I don’t think I’m in a rush.. He might be.. I know we don’t have time to waste.. and trust me i don’t want to waste it..but it’ll take a lot of time for me to accept that those big steps are done for him while i didn’t get to experience them yet.