Historically accurate Hamilton
Hamilton faces a lot of criticism because of its historical inaccuracies, but people seem to forget that it isn’t supposed to be completely accurate. It’s historical fiction, and many details were tweaked to make the musical run more smoothly, make more sense, and generally be easier for an audience to follow. To emphasise my point, I rewrote some of Hamilton to show what it might have been like if it was completely historically accurate (or, parts of it. I’m not rewriting an entire musical).
NB: I am by no means a historical expert. The following is meant for comedy purposes only
For songs where multiple people sing, the speaker will be denoted by the following letters:
B – Burr, H – Hamilton, L – Lafayette, J – John Laurens, M – Hercules Mulligan, T – Thomas Jefferson,
Use of the squiggles (~~~~~) means some of the song was skipped
I think that’s everything! Enjoy the musical!!!!!
Aaron Burr – Historically accurate
B: You punched the bursar?
J: I’m John Lauren’s, in the place to be!
It’d make sense for you to meet all three
Of us together, but unfortunately
It’s gonna be a while ‘til you finally meet me!
L: Oui oui, mon ami, je m'appelle Lafayette!
And just like Laurens, I have not arrived yet
I sing from afar and I say “bonsoir”
To these strangers at the bar, they do not know moi
M: Brrrah brraaah! I am Hercules Mulligan
Talking to myself, cos I don’t have a single friend
Wait, I’m already friends with Alex Ham,
And this introduction’s pointless, cos he knows who I am!
No more people, we need a solution
The two of us alone can’t start a revolution!
Well, if it ain't the prodigy of Princeton college!
Aaron Burr!
Give us a verse, drop some knowledge!
B: Good luck with that, you’re all on your own,
Even Hamilton can’t start a revolution alone
M: Burr, the revolution's imminent. What do you stall for?
H: If you stand for nothing Burr, what’ll you fall for?
H: ….. Hamilton? Your friend?
*awkward pause, then lights go down*
The Story of Tonight – Historically accurate
M: Raise a glass to the two of us
H: Why are there so few of us?
M: Not much is happening tonight
H: I need another drink tonight
M: They will forget about tonight
Angelica, Eliza, John, Philip, Rensselaer, Cornelia, Catherine, and Peggy
The Schuyler siblings
Angelica, Peggy, Eliza, John, Philip, Rensselaer, Cornelia, Catherine
WORK!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
It’s the 25 duel commandments
It’s the 25 duel commandments
Instead of giving a concise set of rules,
To explain to the audience the basics about duels
We’re gonna list every single commandment and derail
The entire musical with unnecessary detail
Lee’s second wasn’t Aaron Burr it was his friend
Major Evan Edwards, who you’re never gonna see again
As Burr isn’t here, we miss some foreshadowing
And Alexander’s death might not be as heart-shattering
Okay folks, this is taking too long
We don’t have time for 25 commandments in one song
By the time we finish you’ll have stopped paying attention
So let’s just finish this, while there’s still some apprehension
Number 24: Look ‘em in the eye, aim no higher
Summon all the courage you require
Then count
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
Cabinet battle #1 – Historically Accurate
W: Secretary Jefferson, you have the floor
T: Life liberty and the pursuit of happiness
We fought for these ideals we shouldn’t settle for less
But I’m quiet and reserved, and not a fan of fighting
So I’m just gonna give you my objections in writing
W: Thank you, Secretary Jefferson
Secretary Hamilton, your response
H: Thomas, that was a real nice declaration
You speaking up at all is a cause for celebration
But obviously, there isn’t that much to discuss
Seeing as you didn’t kick up much of a fuss
My new financial system is a masterpiece
Our debts will be sorted, our independence will increase
Tell me if you have any suggestions or notes
But I have high hopes that I can rely on your votes
W: Great. Meeting concluded.
Cabinet Battle #2 – Historically Accurate
W: The issue on the table, France is on the verge of war with England
And do we provide aid and troops to our French allies
Or do we stay out of it, remember
My decision on this matter is not subject to congressional approval
The only person you have to convince is me
Secretary Jefferson, you have the floor, sir
T: I’d really like to help out France
But I’m still too shy to make a whole song and dance
W: Thank you Secretary Jefferson. Secretary Hamilton, your response
H: Jefferson’s dumb, let’s not get involved
I’m sorry but not every problem can be solved
By recklessly running to join the fight
We stay out of it. Thank you, and goodnight.
W: Hamilton’s right. Hamilton, draft a statement of neutrality
T: Did you forget Lafayette?
Burn – Historically Accurate
I’m erasing myself from the narrative
Historians have no idea how Eliza reacted
So neither will you
Sorry, but for historical accuracy this song is through
The world was wide enough – Historically Accurate
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
There are 25 things you need to know
There are 25 things you need to know
This duel was a long time coming
You’d have known that if we hadn’t skipped most of the foreshadowing
A bunch of secondary characters were there
I’d list all their names but you probably don’t care
The election wasn’t the main reason for
Our duel. Hamilton, the bastard, son of a whore
Tried to undermine me in my gubernatorial race
So I told him “if you have something to say, name a time and place”
Look him in the eye aim no higher
Summon all the courage you require
Then count
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
He aims his pistol over my shoulder, and fires.
I strike him right between the ribs
Who lives, who dies, who tells your story – Historically Accurate Summary
Let me tell you what I wish I’d known
When I was young and dreamed of glory
You cannot write
A good, historically accurate story
Lin Manuel Miranda
I’ll give him this
His Hamilton musical is a work of art
I couldn’t correct it if I tried
And I’ve tried
Lin Manuel Miranda
He took your country from knowing nothing about Hamilton to knowing at least some stuff about him
I’m happy to admit it
He deserves all the credit he gets
A historically inaccurate but still incredible story
You still here? Well congrats for making it this far!!! I hope you enjoyed, please (please) leave a comment if you enjoyed it, I survive purely on the validation I receive from others, and feel free to send me requests if you want :)
Credit to where I got all my info:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhrVjfVmAow&t=518s
https://www.tampabay.com/life-culture/2020/07/03/politifact-fact-checking-hamilton-the-musical/
https://screenrant.com/hamilton-historical-inaccuracies-wrong-true-story/
