#10.4.2018

[ignis-et-equi]

I have eaten and curled up in bed. Ready to binge some Supernatural while I wait for painkillers to get rid of my headache.

Today was my last day at the museum. I am so happy to be done and am extremely excited about a week of NOTHING but sleep and homework. It was a pretty good last day too. I got a hug from a very grateful Aussie woman and it was so sweet. Entirely unexpected, but I loved it. Also, my manager made sure to tell me that I am to feel free to use her as a reference, which means a lot. So yeah. It was a good last day, especially considering I basically woke up crying.

I had more weird dreams the past couple of nights, both had the same tone and definitely had some lesbian action. But I woke up just feeling lonely and touch-starved and sad. It was weird. I have some awesome people though who were all there for me when I needed them.

[ignis-et-equi]

If 50% of marriage end in divorce, that means the other 50% end in death. So, once you're married it's either leave or die.

[wakingfromcursedslumber]

At the first chance I lost the current of flow and softness that I built up from being present and open to life and that happened because there’s a fear in me. There’s something in me that’s afraid of what I would face if I were to be fully here now and that’s the question: ‘what do I do now’ and the silence that comes after it. the feeling of being unsure, of not knowing, of only being able to see the step I’m taking right now. It’s walking on the fine thread I know is the only thing I’ve got to cross this chasm of my own psyche because I’ve run out of floor to walk on. and I know there’s something on the other side of this chasm and I know that I understand that it’s boiled down to crossing the bridge I can’t see, balancing on that fine thread while suspended above the abyss. I already understand that to do this I have to be purely present, fully here now. But what the fear in me just can’t stand is that I also need faith. To be open to falling. Trusting with all of my being. Pure presence and faith. Those are the two things I need to balance on this fine thread of a bridge that I can’t see. There can’t be one without the other.

[strivingforabetterlifenow]

I don’t know why I feel on edge. I hate this feeling of random anxiety out of nowhere.

[introxpection]

I'm trying to avoid the hurt, by distracting myself but from time to time, it would hit me.

[prosy-days]

April 10, 2018 - Day 295

Switching out my herbal teas at work.

[godsnameisjoy]

10 April 2018

39 minutes at bedtime

Oh ! It seems like ages since I have experienced a deep and concentrated meditation session like last night’s. The evidence is in the fact that when I began closing the session, unaware of time, the timer buzzed. This syncing coïncidence with the timer has been missing for what seems like ages.

A gentle effort to concentrate matters to a large extent, in meditation. That’s exactly what I did last night. Whether I had another stagnating, plateaued session didn’t matter to me as long as I was making an effort to concentrate better. And the results were forthcoming. Thank God.

The word that makes my meditation technique, has no real meaning for me yet. A part of the meaning given, has God in it. Since I don’t know Him, the mental chant is awaiting meaning. This morning I wondered about how it would be when I begin saying the chant like a matter of fact.

[juckt-mich-einfach-nicht]

Es ist ekelhaft wie sehr ich mich verabscheu.

J.