as a little thank you for getting me to my next hundred, i wanted to give you all the first drabble off my 10 day songfic challenge that i did with belle (still haven’t finished it, i know, i am a failure) so please enjoy, and i love you! i’ll be back to writing soon, i hope
#1 — 100 Letters by Halsey
AU. In an attempt to try and help Kara find a means of resisting the effects kryptonite has on her, Lena accidentally manufactures red kryptonite and Kara is infected by it. There’s not a cure, and both Kara and Lena spiral.
Letter 77
(Who is she when the cape isn’t draped around her neck, adorning her like she’s God and she is doing her people a favor by standing before them?)
Who am I when I am not behind a locked door, praying for the memories of everything - my family, my brother, the looks in the eyes of the people who read the papers and sit in the courtrooms, the monument of my last name, even her - to silence themselves long enough to hear my own quiet thoughts speak?
(This was a mistake.)
This is my mistake.
Kara, my love:
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Maybe you’ll find this one day, maybe you won’t, maybe it won’t even make a difference regardless. I sit here, day in and day out, the lights off and the TV still not working from where you broke it and where I never replaced it, and I look out the window and wonder what part of you is left. Science says a little more than nothing, but less than enough for hope. It doesn’t stop me though. I keep hoping.
(She keeps hoping, and hoping, and hoping, until it steals her last breath from her lungs with a twisted smile.)
I can still remember your laugh. I can still remember the warmth of your kindness. I can still remember the curve of your smile, how I could walk across the oceans in your eyes and be content with never coming back home. Except you’re the one, now, the one who’s never coming home.
(She tries to use science for good - real good, not the self-centered good of her brother’s kind. She has dreams and aspirations to make a crumbling world into a beautiful one, to eradicate famine and conquer disease and evoke harmony, and each time she tries she’s met with nothing but cruel laughter from the universe or the gods or whoever is tugging the strings, like she’s a puppet with a dull smile painted on her lips. She’s just trying to help, and she accidentally does the farthest thing from helping: she creates a synthetic kryptonite and it draws out the devil horns in Kara she never anticipated lurking under the surface. Kara likens herself to an angel, a god, and she’s got a fall as hard as Lucifer’s waiting around the corner. That is, if death doesn’t beat her to the punch.)
It’s too late, isn’t it? I keep wishing I can turn back time, I keep thinking about what I’d do if I could go back and make up for one mistake or if I could say something, anything to you now that would wake you up and shake me out of this nightmare. There isn’t, though, right? There’s just...not.
(Gone are the cautious, gentle kisses she remembers Kara by; they’re replaced by daring and wicked grins, sex on the balcony, and eventual destruction that grinds whatever threads of a relationship they had into dust. Her brain is altered, and Lena tries to remind herself this every time she could taste the bile at the back of her throat when she catches a glimpse of the newest article on Supergirl, or when she goes see Alex at the DEO every week like clockwork to see how things are. She spends long nights locked in her office and her lab trying to find a cure, trying every single possibility she’s got tucked in her brain on how she can maybe fix things, how she can possibly make this right, and none of them work. There is no cure, there is no remedy, there is only facts, and those are that Kara is a hopeless cause, Kara is gone, Lena is at fault, and Lena will never get her back.)
Sometimes I think it might have just been easier if I’d never met you at all, and sometimes I think of who I would be if I hadn’t. I don’t know which one is worse.
