#11.10.18

[lungblossom]

tenuous allyship with percival ended now orthax is my best friend 2.0

[louisfashionarchive]

Louis at XFactor Rehearsals | November 9, 2018

Neighborhood x adidas crewneck sweatshirt ($130)

[sleepsucks]

[alltheselights]

[stylesarchive]

bellv2: キスしてゴメンね😘 (Sorry to kiss you)

[thecourtneychronicles]

Courtney received The Hero Award at the 2018 Attitude Awards - October 11, 2018

[travmatiktramvay]

teşekkürler

yıllar önce yabancı bir arkadaşım aldığın en güzel hediye ne diye sormuştu, cevap verememiştim. onunki langırt masasıymış. şimdi düşünüyorum, bir insanın alabileceği en güzel hediye yine insanmış. ya kendilerini katarlarmış hayatınıza ya da başka insanlar hediye ederlermiş size.

sanıyorum sartre kadar acı çekmemize gerek yok. koşulsuz kabul, empati ve saydam ilişkiler insanın var olduğunu ve sevildiğini anlamasına yetiyor. şüphesiz o langırt masası erkenden entropiye yenik düşecek ama ben bir gün çizmek istediğimde paletimdeki renkler o insanların iziyle sürülecek.

hayatımızın jeneriğini tükürelim şuraya: yeah we are golden

[edo-vivendum]

11.10.18

Today has been SOOOO hard with food. 

I cried at breakfast in program (but finished it!)... I was convinced they portioned more butter on my waffles than they did the week before, and the syrup+waffles+butter combo makes me so anxious as it is. Plus they forgot to put my juice on the table, so I had to speak up and tell them.

I was supposed to have a challenge snack for am snack. I agreed to it last session with my dietitian, but I was just so overwhelmed and we get to pick right before snack time. So I sat on the floor outside the kitchen with my snack menu. My favorite group therapist, C, came and sat next to me and asked me what was up and I told her. And she talked to me for a few minutes, and I told her that if I portioned the challenge snack then I wasn’t going to eat it, and I didn’t want to get a refusal bc I know I needed snack. So I ended up having a safe snack instead.

I delayed lunch an hour after I got home from program bc I was so anxious, and I really considered skipping lunch, but I ended up having it.

I skipped afternoon snack. I went to a coffee shop with my friend E (whom I met in IOP last time--and who also went to elementary school with my little sister)...and we got coffee. I had planned to get a snack, but it had only been an hour and a half since lunch so I told myself I would do it later. 

There’s supposed to be an RC in the apartments tonight, but there isn’t :( so I texted another girl in the apartments, A, and asked her if she wanted to do dinner with me. So I did dinner with her, and I added about half of my afternoon snack to dinner (planning to do the other half with pm snack). 

I’m feeling a mess, but I’m trying to have self-compassion and not give myself too hard of a time. I’m terrified of going home, so it makes sense that I’m struggling so much right now. Considering how strong my urges to restrict have been, I’ve been doing a fairly good job. 

I just want to be recovered all ready.