i keep saying to myself that i didn’t know it was this this this bad. i don’t know how i can really define that in my head that isn’t naive. it is almost like i didn’t think things were good but i hoped they weren’t this bad either. but now i’m sitting here at 11 pm thinking about the people that i’m friends with offline and thinking about their backgrounds and their stances on issues and how much they know and understand. specifically their understanding of their own privilege. and i can only come up with one of my friends who doesn’t have any minority status - white, straight, cis, able bodied, middle-upper class - everything who understand his privilege and tried to use his voice for good. it’s one of the reasons we are friends. because after the last group of guys i was friends with and all the bullshit that i dealt with just being a super privileged white girl i was very done with being friends with people that fit that category because 9.99 out of 10 they suck. but this one friend he’s good people and i’ve known that since our first real conversation which somehow while working on the floor at a major franchise clothing store we managed to have a very in depth conversation about privilege and what it means for us to be from such a privileged background and everything and this was about a year ago and we’ve talked about it a million times over now and i’ve actually let myself trust this kid and last night he and i were talking about everything as it happened and he didn’t disappoint me like i’m always a little afraid he will. but i still here and i’m like i didn’t think things were that bad and then think about the fact that i know 100s of people offline. and i can think of one privileged white boy who isn’t shit and then i’m like that’s how. out of all the people i know. all my family. everyone i know. very few people aren’t shit. even less people have any sort of understanding of their privilege because loads of people i know are middle-upper class cis straight white people and the world that was designed for them is out to get them. somehow. i think i’ve put myself into too much of a bubble. where i only really talk about important things with people who i already know agree with me. and it’s made me naive. i’ve got to get back to reality.
i’m a mostly white (completely white passing/white raised) cis assumed straight (idk the actual label but it isn’t that and i’m not dealing with that right now because i don’t want to) upper middle class able bodied person who fits enough inside the box that the world isn’t really out to get me too much. i have a voice that i need to get back to using when it is appropriate.
i’ve gotten complacent and i don’t like it. how did i let this happen? other than just being privileged and the system completely benefitting me so i’m always apart of the problem - i think i’ve forgotten that i want to be part of the solution so why have i gotten so silent?
i think maybe i was tired but that so much of my privilege talking that i let myself be tired. because it doesn’t really hurt me all that much to be silent. because of my privilege. i know that i’m still a woman and people say disgusting shit to me all the time and i know i shouldn’t normalize that for myself but it never feels all that dangerous but i guess i’ve become complacent in that too.
