is there a better way to get closure for all the time I spent getting to know you (and myself) on this blog than saying goodbye on one of the last nights of the decade?
I didn’t plan on it. I was ready to leave months ago, but when I decided to address some of the accusations people have made against me, I realized I wasn’t happy with those words being the last ones I left you with.
so, instead of leaving you with them, I’ll tell you a little bit about what I learned from tumblr, and how I think it can do better.
I made my first blog back when I was 13, in 2012. I’m not sure I remember the url, but it was something like ‘winter’s bane’ with a dash through the middle. I didn’t even care that my username wasn’t coveted enough to be taken, I loved the aesthetic so much.
at one point, I thought I was a lesbian, because people told me my anxiety towards men and my less-than-satisfactory experiences dating them meant I was actually feeling compulsory heterosexuality and not legitimate attraction. I had a girlfriend who came out to me as a girl a year into our relationship, and it took a little time for me to adjust (which is one of my biggest regrets). she wasn’t a nice person, and I’m pretty sure she still isn’t, but she did lead me to question my own gender and realize I’m nonbinary.
believe it or not, I actually faced more harassment on my old blog, despite having 1,000 less followers. though, to be fair, I was there when the ace discourse first started and the wlw/sapphic community were first established, so there were plenty of reasons I got into trouble.
most of the shit I got was for defending aspec (specifically aroace) lesbians, genderfluid wlw/mlm, and/or people making the assumption that I was white and cis (though to be fair, I had been fed the doctrine of “you don’t hate being seen as a girl so you’re cis, if you look white you are white” at the time).
I’m proud to say that I’ve gotten into a lot more trouble for defending groups that go against the mainstream since then, as well as recognized some toxic behaviors in myself and made an effort to change them.
but before I changed blogs, I even went through this incredibly painful phase where I was helpless to prevent an angry alter of mine from sabotaging my online reputation and friendships, then fogging up my memory and leaving only a vague sense of guilt behind. sometimes teenage me would open their inbox and find anon hate, and start to sweat when they realized they didn’t know if it was from someone else, or that alter.
what I remember most about the past decade, though, was feeling trapped and alone. I didn’t realize my (ex) girlfriend was emotionally abusive and a sexual predator until half a year after we broke up, or that my family was abusive until a year later than that. when I didn’t have anywhere to go, or didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to, I turned here for support. most times I got it, sometimes I didn’t. but if I had never learned to reach out, I probably wouldn’t have made it to 20.
the biggest reason I’m leaving disasterbisexual is I’m tired of living in the environment I cultivated for myself on this blog. early on, I acted too meek and anxious and made it clear I was enough of a people pleaser that people felt comfortable shitting on me every time I did something they didn’t like, whether it was objectively wrong to have done or not.
I got tired of feeling trapped in mutual followings with people whose opinions or friendships with people who had me blocked/I had blocked, pressured into churning out a post worthy of 100,000 notes every week, and defending myself against baseless anonymous accusations that I have no morals, because otherwise I’d be doxxed.
while I don’t fully blame myself for shitty people finding my blog, I definitely did something wrong that made them think it was okay to.
I’m going to build a more positive environment for myself this time, and I don’t think I can do that on a blog with so many memories of negative ones. it makes me sad that I can’t take flag requests from you all anymore without outing myself, but maybe someday I will be brave enough to openly claim them again.
if you’re reading this, and anything I’ve said about tumblr being exhausting strikes a chord with you, please consider changing how you interact with this social media platform too.
Zayn's 9 most liked pictures of 2019 on Instagram! - 12/29
7 out of these 9 pictures have over 3 million likes (with the most liked having over 4 million) and all his 2019 posts amount to over 59 million likes ❤️
