moved to @disasterbisexual

this blog is now an archive

[disasterbisexual-moved]

friendly reminder:

hi! tumblr keeps emailing me that I have new followers on this blog, so I’m here to remind everyone that (due to several reasons, including a personal preference) I’ve moved blogs! 

you can now find me at @disastergay! ⤹⋆⸙͎۪۫｡˚۰˚☽˚⁀➷｡˚⸙͎۪۫⋆ ༄

a lot of things about the way I identify and the fandoms I’m into have changed, but if you’d still like to keep up with me, that’s where you’ll find me. 

thanks for reading this, hope you have a nice day!

[disasterbisexual-moved]

hey, long time no see!

I’m doing okay, I hope all of you are too. it’s been a while since I last posted on here, and I debated doing so for a long time. I’ve been on @disastergay for a couple months now, and it gave me the fresh start I needed. and yes, you can still call me dizzy! I just also go by ‘jinx’ now. 

what I have to say isn’t exactly something that can be condensed into one or two paragraphs, so I’m putting everything under the cut for those who want to read about my experiences over this past year and the reason I came back one last time.

personal stuff: 

I spent a lot of time off of tumblr, partly due to the influence of my now ex-girlfriend, who I didn’t realize I had a kind of toxic relationship with at the time. and don’t get me wrong--I love my new blog so much, and I don’t realy intend to come back to this one after today--but I felt like I needed to make amends.

in january, I lost all of my real life friends. the bi lesbian discourse made its way to my university, and I was the only one in my social circle who didn’t see why we should attack and harass people who identify as bi lesbians, even if it didn’t really make sense to me at the time. I still miss them sometimes. yeah, they’re in the wrong for trying to police people’s identities, but I have a lot of good memories with them, like when one of them was so worried that she drove me to the bank--to open a secret bank account--so I could have money that wasn’t controlled by my parents. 

it’s been 6 months and I still haven’t fully recovered from losing their friendship and support, and I didn’t want to cause drama by coming back on here and posting about it.

so, I created @frostwitch to get away from everything and everyone (except for a small handful of close friends). but very quickly, I realized I missed the friends and queer connections I had made on this blog--especially with people who liked using my flags. the reason I’m here right now and telling you my new blog’s url is because I’m tired of running away from my past, and re-inventing myself to avoid the consequences of my mistakes. 

I’m not really in the undertale or deltarune fandoms anymore, but I do still love the game and a lot of the art that people make for it. undertale will always have a special place in my heart, but I’ve moved on to danganronpa, as it has fascinatingly complex characters and lore that I can really sink my teeth into. so if you followed me just to see my undertale stuff, you probably won’t be interested in my new blog. 

apologies:

unfortunately, I had some internalized transphobia and biphobia to work through. I also had to come to terms with some of the transmisogynistic beliefs I unknowingly held, and recognize that even if single-gender schools are outdated and wrongfully exclude nonbinary people, the way I went about addressing the issue was wrong and hurtful to trans women.

I understand that now, though I don’t really expect any of the trans women or transfeminine nonbinary people who called me out on it to forgive me (especially since it’s been long enough that I’m not sure if I still have some of them blocked, but in my defense, I did try to fix that). I have to work to forgive myself for making mistakes like that, though, otherwise I’ll become an even worse person and make mistakes that hurt even more people.

and to yoli, kira, enfys, emma, sarah, and olivia: I apologize for not being a better friend. I wasn’t a good friend to begin with, and treated you less like people and more like trash cans for my negative feelings. many of you have expressed the desire to limit or cut contact with me permanently, and I’m happy to oblige. I’m only sad that I wasn’t a more positive presence when I had the privilege to be part of your lives.  

believe me, I’m genuinely sorry.

conclusion:

so yeah, that’s it. that’s all I have to say, and all I came here to say. I’ll continue to keep this blog up as an archive, but since I’ve moved on, I won’t be posting on here anymore. I hope that in the future, I can make each and every single one of you proud to have known me, even for a little while. take care of yourselves <3

[disasterbisexual-moved]

❤️

is there a better way to get closure for all the time I spent getting to know you (and myself) on this blog than saying goodbye on one of the last nights of the decade? 

I didn’t plan on it. I was ready to leave months ago, but when I decided to address some of the accusations people have made against me, I realized I wasn’t happy with those words being the last ones I left you with. 

so, instead of leaving you with them, I’ll tell you a little bit about what I learned from tumblr, and how I think it can do better. 

I made my first blog back when I was 13, in 2012. I’m not sure I remember the url, but it was something like ‘winter’s bane’ with a dash through the middle. I didn’t even care that my username wasn’t coveted enough to be taken, I loved the aesthetic so much. 

at one point, I thought I was a lesbian, because people told me my anxiety towards men and my less-than-satisfactory experiences dating them meant I was actually feeling compulsory heterosexuality and not legitimate attraction. I had a girlfriend who came out to me as a girl a year into our relationship, and it took a little time for me to adjust (which is one of my biggest regrets). she wasn’t a nice person, and I’m pretty sure she still isn’t, but she did lead me to question my own gender and realize I’m nonbinary. 

believe it or not, I actually faced more harassment on my old blog, despite having 1,000 less followers. though, to be fair, I was there when the ace discourse first started and the wlw/sapphic community were first established, so there were plenty of reasons I got into trouble. 

most of the shit I got was for defending aspec (specifically aroace) lesbians, genderfluid wlw/mlm, and/or people making the assumption that I was white and cis (though to be fair, I had been fed the doctrine of “you don’t hate being seen as a girl so you’re cis, if you look white you are white” at the time). 

I’m proud to say that I’ve gotten into a lot more trouble for defending groups that go against the mainstream since then, as well as recognized some toxic behaviors in myself and made an effort to change them. 

but before I changed blogs, I even went through this incredibly painful phase where I was helpless to prevent an angry alter of mine from sabotaging my online reputation and friendships, then fogging up my memory and leaving only a vague sense of guilt behind. sometimes teenage me would open their inbox and find anon hate, and start to sweat when they realized they didn’t know if it was from someone else, or that alter. 

what I remember most about the past decade, though, was feeling trapped and alone. I didn’t realize my (ex) girlfriend was emotionally abusive and a sexual predator until half a year after we broke up, or that my family was abusive until a year later than that. when I didn’t have anywhere to go, or didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to, I turned here for support. most times I got it, sometimes I didn’t. but if I had never learned to reach out, I probably wouldn’t have made it to 20. 

the biggest reason I’m leaving disasterbisexual is I’m tired of living in the environment I cultivated for myself on this blog. early on, I acted too meek and anxious and made it clear I was enough of a people pleaser that people felt comfortable shitting on me every time I did something they didn’t like, whether it was objectively wrong to have done or not.

I got tired of feeling trapped in mutual followings with people whose opinions or friendships with people who had me blocked/I had blocked, pressured into churning out a post worthy of 100,000 notes every week, and defending myself against baseless anonymous accusations that I have no morals, because otherwise I’d be doxxed. 

while I don’t fully blame myself for shitty people finding my blog, I definitely did something wrong that made them think it was okay to. 

I’m going to build a more positive environment for myself this time, and I don’t think I can do that on a blog with so many memories of negative ones. it makes me sad that I can’t take flag requests from you all anymore without outing myself, but maybe someday I will be brave enough to openly claim them again. 

if you’re reading this, and anything I’ve said about tumblr being exhausting strikes a chord with you, please consider changing how you interact with this social media platform too. 

happy new queer, everyone! I believe in you ☺️

[disasterbisexual-moved]

dizzy, do you ship frans or support people who do? I’m sorry, I don’t think I want to keep your new blog a secret if you do. bad people shouldn’t get to hide.

I’m guessing this is about what @disasterbisexualreceipts posted. 

short answer: no, not exactly.

long answer: I don’t ship frans. when I was 16, however, I shipped g!frans. that was because: 

a) I genuinely believed frisk had no canon age and therefore took on the qualities of the player (e.g. if you’re a 23 y/o white guy, your frisk is a 23 y/o white guy; if you’re a 15 y/o nonbinary poc, your frisk is a 15 y/o nonbinary poc)

b) I read the echotale comic strip, which expanded upon this belief

c) when I was 16 and playing undertale for the first time, I saw frisk as my self insert and had a major crush on sans. 

aging characters up from a child to an adult solely for the purpose of shipping, whether romantic or sexually explicit, makes me extremely uncomfortable due to my own personal experiences that I would rather not share. but I don’t exactly hate people who do that, simply because it’s often a case of misinformation or misinterpretation of the canon (like my own). 

maybe it was irresponsible of me not to vet every undertale blog I came across, but I think a part of me hoped I could help people learn and grow with real genuine intentions, not the conditional “if you don’t drop this ship right now I will doxx you and all of your friends.” 

I’m sorry to anyone who got hurt because of my actions, I promise that’s the last thing I wanted. 

I’m going to try to abandon my blog for good now, and hope this anon decides not to doxx me. 

[disasterbisexual-moved]

hey! it’s been a while. sorry, I’m not coming back to this account, I didn’t mean to get anyone’s hopes up. I just wanted to tell you that I have been doing a lot better mental health wise since I left it, and I think I will try to stay off of it permanently in the future. 

also, I wanted to give you guys a little reminder that I’m not gone from social media, I still have a twitter and a different tumblr, but I’m not comfortable sharing either of them off anon. it kind of sucks that I can’t talk about/get credit for my flag designs on said new account (yet, at least), but other than that, I’ve managed to cultivate a much calmer, aesthetic-centric vibe on main. 

I’m still running a handful of sideblogs, some of which you probably noticed by now. the only part that’s made me feel even a tiny bit nostalgic is falling out of touch with friends on here.

so yeah, if you wanna stay in touch, please come talk to me off anon and I’ll give you my contact info. ❤️

[disasterbisexual-moved]

yes, of course you can still use my flags. it makes me immensely happy to see people using them, with or without credit. no, I’m not leaving these social media platforms or the internet, if you ask me off anon for my contact info, I will most likely give it to you.

[disasterbisexual-moved]

I’m leaving.

after giving it a lot of thought, I’ve decided to turn my tumblr into an archive. it’ll act as a time capsule for me, reminding me of the good things I once did, and the bad things that came from them. no other social media platform has enabled my self-harming and suicidal tendencies quite like the political side of tumblr, and though I’ll always be a leftist, I can’t handle the consequences of exposing myself to painful truths about the world when I’m currently powerless to stop them.

I think it’s no stretch to say that, in my time here, I’ve grown a lot. it’s also true that for every friend I’ve made, I’ve made five enemies. sometimes they’d be shitty people whose opinions I didn’t care about, which didn’t bother me, but sometimes they’d be good people who willfully misinterpreted and misconstrued my words because they were angry at the world, and that kept me up at night sometimes.

one thing I said yesterday rings true: I’m not the same person who started this blog. three years ago, I was just barely a minor, and built my entire identity around both fandom and leftist queer politics, not realizing that was the worst possible, most soul-taxing combination I could’ve come up with. I slowly learned to hate voltron, undertale, everything I once loved, because tumblr took my black and white thinking to a whole new level, and I didn’t allow myself to enjoy anything that was less than flawless for fear of having people assume I loved the flaws, too.

I’m stuck in a constant cycle: try to help others, make something that’s not perfect or foolproof with good intentions, immediately get shot down by people who are suspicious of me and, based solely on those suspicions, feel threatened enough by my words that they want to assassinate my character before people believe me. rinse, wash, repeat. nothing I could ever say or do will take this bright red target off of my forehead, or convince these skeptics that I really do give a shit about other people, and I’m tired of using a plastic spork to chip away at a brick wall.

I care too much about things that don’t matter; follower count, churning out original content so I don’t become irrelevant, writing funny posts so people still like me, the fear that one day I will become too old to be relevant, and again be accused of pedophilia for trying to help questioning people that are younger than me.

I feel like there’s this tightrope we all walk, and some of us are better equipped to fall than others. some of us have safety nets, while others plummet straight to the ground, where only pain and utter humiliation is waiting to catch you. I’ve seen so many good, kind people grow bitter and twisted in their ethos and logos until pathos is the only thing they have left to cling to. I can’t sit by and watch people destroy themselves anymore, because I’m the type of person who will always feel responsible for their pain.

maybe someday we won’t need tumblr. maybe someday we’ll be able to reconnect with the world without feeling lonely and lost and discarded. I hope that day comes soon, because for some of us, the clock is running out. I know mine has, and that if I stay behind, I’m certain that one day I’m going to kill myself out of sheer self-loathing.

please respect my decision, it took a long time for me to figure out that I don’t want to be this person anymore, and that I don’t want to have this relationship with the internet anymore. if you want my contact info, ask me for it off anon or message me privately. I’m probably going to leave by the end of the month, and I don’t want all of my problems to follow me.

thank you for everything. love,

dizzy

[porpentine-deactivated20201218]

i’m into really low commitment hangouts like lying on the floor near each other or falling asleep together or falling into an endless void together

[mercyandcruelty]

RB if you have lesbians in your WIP

[the-memedaddy]

me irl

[crashorpie]

[image: a tweet by Joy Clarkson @ joynessthebrave. Being a human is so confusing because you are basically an animal with a soul, so sometimes you’re like “am I experiencing a profound spiritual desolation or have I not eaten enough for breakfast? impossible to tell.”]

[ampervadasz]

[apolism]

SUPER HIGH

[geee13]

watering checker

[awesomacious]

Adorable AND relatable

[aroaesflags]

Gay heart emojis

[cutepetsuwu]

Three old pillows plus a bookshelf. Instant cat bunk beds

[gahdamnpunk]