hi! tumblr keeps emailing me that I have new followers on this blog, so Iām here to remind everyone that (due to several reasons, including a personal preference) Iāve moved blogs!Ā
you can now find me at @disastergay!Ā ā¤¹āāøĶŪ«ŪŖļ½”ĖŪ°Ėā½Ėāā·ļ½”ĖāøĶŪ«ŪŖā ą¼
a lot of things about the way I identify and the fandoms Iām into have changed, but if youād still like to keep up with me, thatās where youāll find me.Ā
thanks for reading this, hope you have a nice day!
Iām doing okay, I hope all of you are too. itās been a while since I last posted on here, and I debated doing so for a long time. Iāve been on @disastergay for a couple months now, and it gave me the fresh start I needed. and yes, you can still call me dizzy! I just also go byĀ ājinxā now.Ā
what I have to say isnāt exactly something that can be condensed into one or two paragraphs, so Iām putting everything under the cut for those who want to read about my experiences over this past year and the reason I came back one last time.
personal stuff:Ā
I spent a lot of time off of tumblr, partly due to the influence of my now ex-girlfriend, who I didnāt realize I had a kind of toxic relationship with at the time. and donāt get me wrong--I love my new blog so much, and I donāt realy intend to come back to this one after today--but I felt like I needed to make amends.
in january, I lost all of my real life friends. the bi lesbian discourse made its way to my university, and I was the only one in my social circle who didnāt see why we should attack and harass people who identify as bi lesbians, even if it didnāt really make sense to me at the time. I still miss them sometimes. yeah, theyāre in the wrong for trying to police peopleās identities, but I have a lot of good memories with them, like when one of them was so worried that she drove me to the bank--to open a secret bank account--so I could have money that wasnāt controlled by my parents.Ā
itās been 6 months and I still havenāt fully recovered from losing their friendship and support, and I didnāt want to cause drama by coming back on here and posting about it.
so, I created @frostwitch to get away from everything and everyone (except for a small handful of close friends). but very quickly, I realized I missed the friends and queer connections I had made on this blog--especially with people who liked using my flags. the reason Iām here right now and telling you my new blogās url is because Iām tired of running away from my past, and re-inventing myself to avoid the consequences of my mistakes.Ā
Iām not really in the undertale or deltarune fandoms anymore, but I do still love the game and a lot of the art that people make for it. undertale will always have a special place in my heart, but Iāve moved on to danganronpa, as it has fascinatingly complex characters and lore that I can really sink my teeth into. so if you followed me just to see my undertale stuff, you probably wonāt be interested in my new blog.Ā
apologies:
unfortunately, I had some internalized transphobia and biphobia to work through. I also had to come to terms with some of the transmisogynistic beliefs I unknowingly held, and recognize that even if single-gender schools are outdated and wrongfully exclude nonbinary people, the way I went about addressing the issue was wrong and hurtful to trans women.
I understand that now, though I donāt really expect any of the trans women or transfeminine nonbinary people who called me out on it to forgive me (especially since itās been long enough that Iām not sure if I still have some of them blocked, but in my defense, I did try to fix that). I have to work to forgive myself for making mistakes like that, though, otherwise Iāll become an even worse person and make mistakes that hurt even more people.
and to yoli, kira, enfys, emma, sarah, and olivia: I apologize for not being a better friend. I wasnāt a good friend to begin with, and treated you less like people and more like trash cans for my negative feelings. many of you have expressed the desire to limit or cut contact with me permanently, and Iām happy to oblige. Iām only sad that I wasnāt a more positive presence when I had the privilege to be part of your lives.Ā Ā
believe me, Iām genuinely sorry.
conclusion:
so yeah, thatās it. thatās all I have to say, and all I came here to say. Iāll continue to keep this blog up as an archive, but since Iāve moved on, I wonāt be posting on here anymore.Ā I hope that in the future, I can make each and every single one of you proud to have known me, even for a little while. take care of yourselves <3
is there a better way to get closure for all the time I spent getting to know you (and myself) on this blog than saying goodbye on one of the last nights of the decade?Ā
I didnāt plan on it. I was ready to leave months ago, but when I decided to address some of the accusations people have made against me, I realized I wasnāt happy with those words being the last ones I left you with.Ā
so, instead of leaving you with them, Iāll tell you a little bit about what I learned from tumblr, and how I think it can do better.Ā
I made my first blog back when I was 13, in 2012. Iām not sure I remember the url, but it was something likeĀ āwinterās baneā with a dash through the middle. I didnāt even care that my username wasnāt coveted enough to be taken, I loved the aesthetic so much.Ā
at one point, I thought I was a lesbian, because people told me my anxiety towards men and my less-than-satisfactory experiences dating them meant I was actually feeling compulsory heterosexuality and not legitimate attraction. I had a girlfriend who came out to me as a girl a year into our relationship, and it took a little time for me to adjust (which is one of my biggest regrets). she wasnāt a nice person, and Iām pretty sure she still isnāt, but she did lead me to question my own gender and realize Iām nonbinary.Ā
believe it or not, I actually faced more harassment on my old blog, despite having 1,000 less followers. though, to be fair, I was there when the ace discourse first started and the wlw/sapphic community were first established, so there were plenty of reasons I got into trouble.Ā
most of the shit I got was for defending aspec (specifically aroace) lesbians, genderfluid wlw/mlm, and/or people making the assumption that I was white and cis (though to be fair, I had been fed the doctrine ofĀ āyou donāt hate being seen as a girl so youāre cis, if you look white you are whiteā at the time).Ā
Iām proud to say that Iāve gotten into a lot more trouble for defending groups that go against the mainstream since then, as well as recognized some toxic behaviors in myself and made an effort to change them.Ā
but before I changed blogs, I even went through this incredibly painful phase where I was helpless to prevent an angry alter of mine from sabotaging my online reputation and friendships, then fogging up my memory and leaving only a vague sense of guilt behind. sometimes teenage me would open their inbox and find anon hate, and start to sweat when they realized they didnāt know if it was from someone else, or that alter.Ā
what I remember most about the past decade, though, was feeling trapped and alone. I didnāt realize my (ex) girlfriend was emotionally abusive and a sexual predator until half a year after we broke up, or that my family was abusive until a year later than that. when I didnāt have anywhere to go, or didnāt feel like I had anyone to talk to, I turned here for support. most times I got it, sometimes I didnāt. but if I had never learned to reach out, I probably wouldnāt have made it to 20.Ā
the biggest reason Iām leaving disasterbisexual is Iām tired of living in the environment I cultivated for myself on this blog. early on, I acted too meek and anxious and made it clear I was enough of a people pleaser that people felt comfortable shitting on me every time I did something they didnāt like, whether it was objectively wrong to have done or not.
I got tired of feeling trapped in mutual followings with people whose opinions or friendships with people who had me blocked/I had blocked, pressured into churning out a post worthy of 100,000 notes every week, and defending myself against baseless anonymous accusations that I have no morals, because otherwise Iād be doxxed.Ā
while I donāt fully blame myself for shitty people finding my blog, I definitely did something wrong that made them think it was okay to.Ā
Iām going to build a more positive environment for myself this time, and I donāt think I can do that on a blog with so many memories of negative ones. it makes me sad that I canāt take flag requests from you all anymore without outing myself, but maybe someday I will be brave enough to openly claim them again.Ā
if youāre reading this, and anything Iāve said about tumblr being exhausting strikes a chord with you, please consider changing how you interact with this social media platform too.Ā
happy new queer, everyone! I believe in youĀ āŗļø
dizzy, do you ship frans or support people who do? Iām sorry, I donāt think I want to keep your new blog a secret if you do. bad people shouldnāt get to hide.
Iām guessing this is about what @disasterbisexualreceipts posted.Ā
short answer: no, not exactly.
long answer: I donāt ship frans. when I was 16, however, I shipped g!frans. that was because:Ā
a) I genuinely believed frisk had no canon age and therefore took on the qualities of the player (e.g. if youāre a 23 y/o white guy, your frisk is a 23 y/o white guy; if youāre a 15 y/o nonbinary poc, your frisk is a 15 y/o nonbinary poc)
b) I read the echotale comic strip, which expanded upon this belief
c) when I was 16 and playing undertale for the first time, I saw frisk as my self insert and had a major crush on sans.Ā
aging characters up from a child to an adult solely for the purpose of shipping, whether romantic or sexually explicit, makes me extremely uncomfortable due to my own personal experiences that I would rather not share. but I donāt exactly hate people who do that, simply because itās often a case of misinformation or misinterpretation of the canon (like my own).Ā
maybe it was irresponsible of me not to vet every undertale blog I came across, but I think a part of me hoped I could help people learn and grow with real genuine intentions, not the conditionalĀ āif you donāt drop this ship right now I will doxx you and all of your friends.āĀ
Iām sorry to anyone who got hurt because of my actions, I promise thatās the last thing I wanted.Ā
Iām going to try to abandon my blog for good now, and hope this anon decides not to doxx me.Ā
hey! itās been a while. sorry, Iām not coming back to this account, I didnāt mean to get anyoneās hopes up. I just wanted to tell you that I have been doing a lot better mental health wise since I left it, and I think I will try to stay off of it permanently in the future.Ā
also, I wanted to give you guys a little reminder that Iām not gone from social media, I still have a twitter and a different tumblr, but Iām not comfortable sharing either of them off anon. it kind of sucks that I canāt talk about/get credit for my flag designs on said new account (yet, at least), but other than that, Iāve managed to cultivate a much calmer, aesthetic-centric vibe on main.Ā
Iām still running a handful of sideblogs, some of which you probably noticed by now. the only part thatās made me feel even a tiny bit nostalgic is falling out of touch with friends on here.
so yeah, if you wanna stay in touch, please come talk to me off anon and Iāll give you my contact info.Ā ā¤ļø
yes, of course you can still use my flags. it makes me immensely happy to see people using them, with or without credit. no, Iām not leaving these social media platforms or the internet, if you ask me off anon for my contact info, I will most likely give it to you.
after giving it a lot of thought, Iāve decided to turn my tumblr into an archive. itāll act as a time capsule for me, reminding me of the good things I once did, and the bad things that came from them. no other social media platform has enabled my self-harming and suicidal tendencies quite like the political side of tumblr, and though Iāll always be a leftist, I canāt handle the consequences of exposing myself to painful truths about the world when Iām currently powerless to stop them.
I think itās no stretch to say that, in my time here, Iāve grown a lot. itās also true that for every friend Iāve made, Iāve made five enemies. sometimes theyād be shitty people whose opinions I didnāt care about, which didnāt bother me, but sometimes theyād be good people who willfully misinterpreted and misconstrued my words because they were angry at the world, and that kept me up at night sometimes.
one thing I said yesterday rings true: Iām not the same person who started this blog. three years ago, I was just barely a minor, and built my entire identity around both fandom and leftist queer politics, not realizing that was the worst possible, most soul-taxing combination I couldāve come up with. I slowly learned to hate voltron, undertale, everything I once loved, because tumblr took my black and white thinking to a whole new level, and I didnāt allow myself to enjoy anything that was less than flawless for fear of having people assume I loved the flaws, too.
Iām stuck in a constant cycle: try to help others, make something thatās not perfect or foolproof with good intentions, immediately get shot down by people who are suspicious of me and, based solely on those suspicions, feel threatened enough by my words that they want to assassinate my character before people believe me. rinse, wash, repeat. nothing I could ever say or do will take this bright red target off of my forehead, or convince these skeptics that I really do give a shit about other people, and Iām tired of using a plastic spork to chip away at a brick wall.
I care too much about things that donāt matter; follower count, churning out original content so I donāt become irrelevant, writing funny posts so people still like me, the fear that one day I will become too old to be relevant, and again be accused of pedophilia for trying to help questioning people that are younger than me.
I feel like thereās this tightrope we all walk, and some of us are better equipped to fall than others. some of us have safety nets, while others plummet straight to the ground, where only pain and utter humiliation is waiting to catch you. Iāve seen so many good, kind people grow bitter and twisted in their ethos and logos until pathos is the only thing they have left to cling to. I canāt sit by and watch people destroy themselves anymore, because Iām the type of person who will always feel responsible for their pain.
maybe someday we wonāt need tumblr. maybe someday weāll be able to reconnect with the world without feeling lonely and lost and discarded. I hope that day comes soon, because for some of us, the clock is running out. I know mine has, and that if I stay behind, Iām certain that one day Iām going to kill myself out of sheer self-loathing.
please respect my decision, it took a long time for me to figure out that I donāt want to be this person anymore, and that I donāt want to have this relationship with the internet anymore. if you want my contact info, ask me for it off anon or message me privately. Iām probably going to leave by the end of the month, and I donāt want all of my problems to follow me.
[image: a tweet by Joy Clarkson @ joynessthebrave.
Being a human is so confusing because you are basically an animal with a soul, so sometimes youāre likeĀ āam I experiencing a profound spiritual desolation or have I not eaten enough for breakfast? impossible to tell.ā]
