LXXVII: As school nears...
Self reflection, that’s always good and it’s what I needed. I feel as if whenever it’s the beginning of a semester I start to become a little more serious and stray away from the crazy life. Then eventually I find myself back down that roller coaster of a path. I just read post XXVI and it was about the guy named Jon. It turns out I’m really not feeling him. I don’t know, sometimes it’s hard to differentiate which of my views is my disillusioned view. However I believe that the state of mind that I am right now is my main mindset. Sometimes I make things seem like a lot more than they are just to keep myself satisfied and sometimes I do something and try to justify it with statements that may or may not be true, again just to keep me satisfied. Self reflection though… It pretty much hit me. I do not want a guy like Jon and I definitely do not want a guy like BJ, who my cousin and I call Baesix. And all my one through eight is not worthy enough to be considered in my life. I guess well, I have to let this out. Last night is when I started to have many realizations about myself. It must be the most random place and time to reflect on myself because I was in San Jose drinking with some regular SJSU students and international students. I realized that… I’ve becom really lazy with my personality. As time passes and I spend more and more time with myself with the occasional homie hangouts, I’ve really stopped caring about everything. First impressions, whether or not I make good friends with anyone. I mean usually, you know, when you go to a new place or to a party and you don’t really know anyone you’d want to make a good first impression as to some day make good friends with the people you’ve met or some shit like that. But I just don’t care. And I then realized why people say that I may come off as rude or whatever. Because I talk to everyone normally like how I would talk to someone I’ve known for a long time and a lot of people just expect for others to be more enthusiastic. I’m in no way trying to me mean or rude. I just talk to whoever talks to me and if I’m not engaged in a conversation then I pretty much keep a normal face with everything. I get it. Also, I don’t know. All this fooling around I’ve been doing, of course it was fun and I was kind of bored and just altogether heartbroken. Heartbroken not because of just one person but because of all the failed attempts of love (super corny yuck I don’t even know why I typed that). I just wanted to have fun, if boys can do it, then I sure as hell can. But I’m over that. I honestly just want someone to come home to. When I’m tired I can go home and sleep with the person I want. Other than everything else that I’ve mentioned, I do want to do extremely well in school. I feel like I’ve built up enough tolerance for many many things and I can certainly take on this year. I’m hoping for the best for myself as well as the people around me.
