Nov 26, 2024
Calum and Ashton in a friend's Instagram post — Jan. 17th, 2014
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Calum and Ashton in a friend's Instagram post — Jan. 17th, 2014
5SOS with fans in LA — Jan. 17th. 2014
5SOS posted on Instagram — Jan. 17th, 2014
5SOS posted on Twitter — Jan. 17th, 2014
7 years 💕 #011714 https://www.instagram.com/p/CKJIrK9gIBw/?igshid=5rc8ygb0w6y7
LXVIII: what to do...
Why must my life be so boring. I’m currently sitting in a soundless apartment with no particular plans, and it’s a Friday night. I think this quiet is making me go crazy, though I can’t even fully express it. I still have yet to learn many things in my life. I understand concepts but, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I absolutely hate everything about my life. Well hate may not be the word, complacent might fit a little better. I remember a few posts ago, or moments ago, I told myself to not be too complacent… I guess that is not the word either. In actuality, I think I want a sense of belonging somewhere, Even amongst family I feel like the oddball out. I believe it may be because of myself and it’s just me over analyzing everything. But, nothing really is going well. I don’t know how to explain this feeling. I can’t take it anymore.
LXXVII: As school nears...
Self reflection, that’s always good and it’s what I needed. I feel as if whenever it’s the beginning of a semester I start to become a little more serious and stray away from the crazy life. Then eventually I find myself back down that roller coaster of a path. I just read post XXVI and it was about the guy named Jon. It turns out I’m really not feeling him. I don’t know, sometimes it’s hard to differentiate which of my views is my disillusioned view. However I believe that the state of mind that I am right now is my main mindset. Sometimes I make things seem like a lot more than they are just to keep myself satisfied and sometimes I do something and try to justify it with statements that may or may not be true, again just to keep me satisfied. Self reflection though… It pretty much hit me. I do not want a guy like Jon and I definitely do not want a guy like BJ, who my cousin and I call Baesix. And all my one through eight is not worthy enough to be considered in my life. I guess well, I have to let this out. Last night is when I started to have many realizations about myself. It must be the most random place and time to reflect on myself because I was in San Jose drinking with some regular SJSU students and international students. I realized that… I’ve becom really lazy with my personality. As time passes and I spend more and more time with myself with the occasional homie hangouts, I’ve really stopped caring about everything. First impressions, whether or not I make good friends with anyone. I mean usually, you know, when you go to a new place or to a party and you don’t really know anyone you’d want to make a good first impression as to some day make good friends with the people you’ve met or some shit like that. But I just don’t care. And I then realized why people say that I may come off as rude or whatever. Because I talk to everyone normally like how I would talk to someone I’ve known for a long time and a lot of people just expect for others to be more enthusiastic. I’m in no way trying to me mean or rude. I just talk to whoever talks to me and if I’m not engaged in a conversation then I pretty much keep a normal face with everything. I get it. Also, I don’t know. All this fooling around I’ve been doing, of course it was fun and I was kind of bored and just altogether heartbroken. Heartbroken not because of just one person but because of all the failed attempts of love (super corny yuck I don’t even know why I typed that). I just wanted to have fun, if boys can do it, then I sure as hell can. But I’m over that. I honestly just want someone to come home to. When I’m tired I can go home and sleep with the person I want. Other than everything else that I’ve mentioned, I do want to do extremely well in school. I feel like I’ve built up enough tolerance for many many things and I can certainly take on this year. I’m hoping for the best for myself as well as the people around me.
The feels!
It feels pretty good to be back on Twitter/tumblr. Yall probably didn't notice I left or whatever but oh whale! Heh.