13 envelopes
pairing: reader x lin summary: After graduating from UCLA, you would find any way to escape having to go back home. Lucky for you, your Aunt Jasmine Cephas Jones had organized a way for you to have the adventure you’d never gotten to have before. You’re ready to take her up on the offer. warnings: rpf (naturally), mentions of teen pregnancy
tagged: @defenestrate-yourself-please @andschuyler@linslovelylocks @elithepeali @sarahgurl09 @fancy-fighting-name a/n: So hey, guys, hey. I know it’s been like... nine months almost ten months since I posted the last update. So what’s happened in those nine months? I wrecked my car, flunked out of one school and went to another, finally settled on a career path, auditioned for a movie and three plays and got none of the roles, and in between, I swear... writing this story. Part 8 is sixteen pages long and a windy, twisty update. We are now five chapter from the actual end and I cannot believe it. So, here’s to the longest fanfic I’ve written in a long time. I would like to say I’ll spend less time writing part nine but... the only part of part nine that is actually written is the letter and the beats I plan on hitting. Oops. But enjoy this in the meantime! Kisses!
(part one) (part two) (part three) (part four) (part five) (part six) (part seven)
You had made a choice sometime last week delirious from the heat to cut your hair short and you were regretting it every time you tried to put your hair up. In the heat, you’d forgotten all about how shrinkage affects your hair. Lin claimed he liked it over text – you still hadn’t seen him since the bombshell and that was on you. You found every reason to not see him. It led to some awkward conversations with Pippa and Jasmine but at least you had the excuse of not liking your hair. After a while, you found a grove with the curls and decided you actually kind of liked your hair short. Jasmine remarked she might want to steal the hairstyle later which helped with your ego. Life was starting to become a little bit more stable in New York City and you were starting to grow attached.
Of course, there came the wonder if you could even afford to stay. While money hadn’t been an issue thus far, you were certain that if you stayed it would become one. Additionally, the envelopes felt more and more like a life line more than ever. You were starting to get wrapped up in the adventure, wrapped up in the fact you felt different than you ever felt before. You didn’t know where the person who you were that came here began and where the person who took on this adventure ended. It was a magical transformative feeling that seemed impossible to believe.
At some point, you knew you had to open up envelope eight that had a picture of the Empire State building on it. You were nervous because you’d become accustomed with what the pictures meant on them. In a way, you wished that it was anything but that. You were nervous enough among the tall skyscrapers whenever you were downtown that towered so high and seemed to curve from the ground. You weren’t looking forward to Jasmine suggesting you go up one of the tallest ones and actually be in it. Thus, you were ignoring it to avoid it.
Thankfully, the chaos leading up to the premiere of Hamilton was getting stronger and crazier. As far as you can tell, the opening night was one hundred percent sold out. The previews had garnered a ridiculous amount of buzz and Lin was busier than ever thus you no longer had to make excuses to dodge him. Which you were somewhat grateful for, if you were honest. Since your little revelation to him, he was actually a little off. You knew that there was an age difference, but it seemed like it became more apparent after you told him about being virgin.
Or maybe you were being ridiculous, you reminded yourself. Maybe he was just stressed about the opening night. The gold dress suddenly felt like it might be too revealing in its backlessness, that it showed far too much leg and was much too sexy. It was like overthinking had returned with a vengeance, making up for the past few weeks you’d been free of any feeling of anxiety. Somehow, you’d ended up on the floor of the bedroom floor, trying to remind yourself to breathe. It couldn’t be this awful to go to a premiere, you reminded yourself. Additionally, you’d get to see Lin… and the other girls who you hadn’t seen in a while. You could do this, you told yourself.
The day before the premiere was oddly calm. There was no previews and you were able to sit in a coffee house with Pippa, Jasmine, and Renee. Despite the fact tomorrow was such a huge day, it still felt oddly relaxed. The four of you had agreed to not mention what was happening tomorrow and to just let today be today. “I feel like I never to see you guys anymore,” you remarked. “It’s like I live alone.”
Pippa laughed at this. “If you lived here, you’d be grateful for that,” she teased, reminding you of the desire to move out to New York City… and the cost of rent. You supposed if you were able to make rent in Los Angeles, you could make it in New York City. “And honestly, it feels like I live alone when I come home lately too. I know I’ve been coming home late, but it’s eerie coming home to a completely clean apartment! It’s like… where is the other person?”
“Oh, she’s always been a neat freak,” Jasmine butted in.
“Be grateful,” Renee said, a bright grin on her face. “May I remind you I’m coming home to a mess?”
“You’re the one who had kids,” Jasmine exclaimed. “You decided that hey, maybe I should put two children in my apartment. No wonder it’s always sticky.”
Renee stuck her tongue out at Jasmine and you grinned. You didn’t expect Renee to have a playful side. “Hey, just because you were a messy kid doesn’t mean every kid is constantly sticky,” you commented, pleased when Renee laughed. You felt a little awkward around Renee still. There was something slightly intimidating about a woman who seemingly was one hundred percent together, like most woman in their mid-forties. That and it definitely felt like you were young enough to be her daughter thus you were concerned she might treat you like a child. The more you hung around Renee, however, the less concerned you were with being treated like a child.
“Besides, my kids are great,” she said with a bright grin. “It’s the husband that’s terrible at keeping everything clean.”
You didn’t know when things transitioned, if you were honest. You weren’t certain how you ended up back home, on Pippa’s couch again while she made you both tea before bed. You weren’t even certain when you started referring to Pippa’s apartment as home. It seemed like a lifetime ago that you were on Pippa’s doorstep after your flight, not sure who you were meeting. Now you knew her favorite tea (Earl grey), the kinda of things she liked to keep in her vegetable crisper at all times (carrots, avocados, and kale), and her nightly routine (cup of tea, wash her face, read poetry before turning in for bed) like the back of your hand. It was weird, actually, because you couldn’t recall when that exactly changed. Pippa was a stranger to you when you arrived and now it was like she was a long lost sister.
It was hard to tell if that was a good thing. You supposed in theory new friends were great. In practice, it just meant wondering if you were going to end up missing her. What happened when the end game was reached? You didn’t know.
You had a love hate relationship with the journey. On the one hand, the feeling of exploring where something could go, the thrill of chasing down all possibilities was exciting. On the other hand, you didn’t know where it led. That was something you couldn’t stand. It kept you up at night, tossing and turning as you wondered where this could possibly take you. As a result, you were exhausted when you finally rose on the premiere date. You felt the jitters, shaking you to your core. It was hard to think straight. You didn’t even know how to act. The dress you’d set aside was finally being pulled on to wear and it struck you how strange it was that this outfit had only one exact purpose: to be worn to the premiere. It struck you how wasteful that was. You weren’t the kind of person who did luxe like this. It was an engrained habit to think of where else you could wear this dress.
Pippa was too calm for your liking. She’d pulled you aside and helped you pin your curls into a sort of messy bun. She’d excitedly said you looked amazing in the gold dress and all you could think was that you felt overdressed compared to her. She insisted you looked fine, even encouraging you into putting on a swipe of bright red lipstick. You felt a bit out of place but squashed that down. You hadn’t seen Lin in weeks and you’d been missing your aunt like crazy. Any worry you had was secondary to the excitement you felt about seeing people that had been too busy to see you.
New York City was a beast on normal days to get around but today it seemed like Pippa was rushing the both of you down to a car. The premiere was hours off, but Pippa knew the city better than you. She assured you to get from where the both of you were in Brooklyn to Broadway would be insane today and that it was best the both of you left now. And she was right – the traffic was uglier than anything you’d ever seen in Los Angeles (which was saying something). You didn’t even know what to say right now. It seemed like something impossible and the silence hung in the air, daring you to say something.
“Uh, break a leg?”
Pippa laughed. “Thanks,” she said, a bright smile on her face that made you nervous. You weren’t a jealous person by nature but something about the fact that Pippa was going to be the one playing your boyfriend’s wife made you uneasy. It would be easy for anyone to see why, of course. Pippa was gorgeous in the way that only she could be – effortless. You’d seen her skin without makeup – you knew her face was flawless too. “Any reason you’ve been avoiding Lin?”
You felt your cheeks get hot – could she tell you were blushing? Sometimes the skin in your cheeks gave it away, sometimes it didn’t. You hoped she couldn’t tell. “Uh… it’s just a bit awkward. Like… he probably thinks I’m immature or something.”
“The only immature thing about you right now is that you’re avoiding your problems. It’s mature to embrace them, you know.”
Of course, you knew she was right. You couldn’t just run from this and that you’d have to face reality. It was the only way. Granted, what you weren’t expecting was reality to feel so fake. You nearly swore as the car arrived in front of the theater and there were cameras, taking photos of the people arriving. There was even a backdrop of the musical’s logo and what appeared to the sponsors for the musical. Pippa was grinning as she helped push you out of the car and you were stunned for a moment as you looked over to the cameras, certain they couldn’t place you but they seemed to think you were worth photographing. Pippa’s prophecy of you being mistaken for a model came true – some of the photographers yelled at you as you followed Jasmine down the red carpet. The flashing of the lights would’ve disoriented you if you hadn’t gotten used to strange flashing lights in New York City. However, if you were honest, it still felt awkward. Your aunt Jasmine pulled you in for a hug in front of the cameras, proudly boasting about you being her niece as she pulled Anthony in for a photo op as well. The first instinct was to smile.
Smiling was easy. It was moving forward that was hard. While you normally thought in metaphors, this wasn’t a metaphor – the lights were blinding. You didn’t know how anyone could stand this. You didn’t even know why people would want this. It was hard to figure out where your feet were supposed to go. Was that Lucy Liu? You couldn’t really tell but it felt like your heart jumped into your throat. Were there actual celebrities at this? Of course, the lights flashing in your eyes made it difficult to tell who was in front of you. When someone was in front of you, they were gone the next second you blinked.
You didn’t know what to expect anymore. It was confusing and disorienting. Lin looked excited to see you, breaking away from some interview to pull you into a tight hug. His arms were warm and reassuring, so you hugged back, ignoring the sounds of shutters going off. There was no way you’d get a private moment with him so you just smiled. It seemed to be the right thing to do. Everyone else was smiling, everyone else was excited. “I can’t wait for you to see this.”
He was excited and it was infectious. You didn’t know what to expect out of this night. But he pulled you into his arms and you suddenly weren’t concerned about the end game. You were willing to let this man lead you anywhere, you decided. And you did – he grabbed your hand and you leaned in to whisper, “I can’t see anything. The lights are making it hard to see.”
He laughed as he gripped your hand so tight that it made it impossible to fear getting lost. “Perfect time to introduce to Karen,” he said and you wished you could see his face. The clicking was also loud and you wished you could go home right now. You hated bright lights and you hated loud sounds. “She’s basically my second older sister.”
This was unexpected. You’d never dated anyone who wanted to introduce you to their family. Granted, it wasn’t his family but rather someone who was basically family to him. This was new territory and you gripped tight to him with shock. “Sorry, what,” you asked as you moved closer to him. “You do know all my friends are in LA, right? I can’t introduce you to my close friends back.”
“And,” he asked as he pulled you over to a woman who also towered over you – and him by about an inch or so. You looked down because she intimidated you a bit and you saw she was wearing wedge sandal heels that look about two inches. “Y/N, this is Karen.”
You braced yourself for a hug but instead she gave you a firm handshake. That instantly warmed you to her. “Nice to meet you,” she said. Her voice threw you. You’d listened to Lin’s previous work in an attempt to figure out what to expect from this work and you knew Karen was the girl who played Vanessa. Karen’s voice in that was high. Her speaking voice, however, did not sync with her singing voice. It was a bit lower and felt more like honey in the way it flowed. “Lin’s been talking all about you. He says you have a master’s in English and that you’re Jasmine’s… niece?”
She seemed like she was curious about that. “Yeah,” you said as she led you into the theater while Lin stayed behind. Some interviewer had dragged him aside to talk to him – you suspected that it might be a while before you got to talk to him again tonight. “It surprises people, I know. Uh, grandpa was kind of young when he had mom… and then she was a teen mom herself. I was born about three years after aunt Jas was born.”
“I thought he was joking,” she remarked, before gesturing to the man next to her. “This is my husband, James.”
He nodded at you. “Suppose we’ll be hanging out a bit,” he remarked. “We’ve been wondering when Lin was going to move on from his last girlfriend.”
“Is this the same girl that ended up with Michael?”
Karen shook her head with a slight grin. “Did he mention that to you or did someone else did?”
“Pippa mentioned it. So not the same girl?”
“Of course not,” Karen said, leading you into the house. You thought you’d be stopped – there was no way you were allowed to sit up over by the orchestra pit. And yet, no one was stopping either of you to separate you from her. It felt dizzyingly odd. In fact, she grabbed you and sat you on her right while her husband sat to her left. “Lin dated this girl before he started liking Vanessa, which is the girl Pippa was referring to. Years ago, way back when he was first workshopping In the Heights, he was dating a girl called Melissa. Melissa ended up breaking his heart and going off to Los Angeles. After Melissa, he met Vanessa, a girl from his high school. He was in such a funk over Melissa that he barely realized Vanessa was into him. And she ended up working a case at her law firm with a guy called Michael and then they ended up dating.”
“That’s true,” said a man who ended up sitting to your right, a guy who you vaguely recognized from somewhere. And after a while, it clicked together.
“You’re Lin’s dad,” you said, your heart dropping into your stomach. You weren’t ready to meet his parents! “Uh, sorry, this is extremely weird. I didn’t think I’d meet you until… ages from now.”
As much as you wanted to freak out and panic, there wasn’t much time to dwell on that. Panic was a luxury that you knew better than to indulge in. You’d learned how to power through fear. The house lights started to dim and you felt a jolt in your heart as you realized you didn’t know what to expect from the night. You always knew you’d love it – you just didn’t expect this level of love. The same way you didn’t expect to be sitting next to his best friend for ages, his father, and you had a strange feeling the rest of his family was somewhere else.
It was easier to not focus on that when you were trying to focus on the musical unfolding out in front of you. It was easier to focus on getting lost in the stage. What you focused on the most to drown out everything was Lin himself. He was charismatic, charming, and you found yourself thinking heavily about how much you wished you spent more time with him over the past few weeks. A lot of overwhelming panic about the relationship faded away in the intensity in which he played Alexander and in the quiet moments that he wrote. That’s the part you thought about the most: he isn’t just performing, he wrote it.
All of this was because he thought something and he actually wrote it out and finished it. You were never a finisher. You found ways to avoid finishing things. You put everything off. You let weeks go by without writing, you hated the idea of letting something go free into the wild when it could always be better. And wasn’t that the nick of it all? Something could always be better.
It was what drew you to editing, it was why you rarely watched things without internally logging criticisms of it, whether it be a technical mistake, a writing blunder, or some tiny inaccuracy. For the first time in a long time, that internal critic was shut off. You allowed yourself to be amazed for the first time in a long time. You let yourself be amazed, be in wonder.
The halfway point reached and to your great surprise, you were wiping away tears alongside the feeling of.. victory. It wasn’t yours to feel but that never mattered, did it? When feelings hit, they were intense. The strangest thing was that the feeling of panic was gone. When the lights went up for intermission, you got up and felt comfortable in shaking Luis’s hand with a grin as you said, “I never introduced myself before the lights went down. I’m Y/N.”
“Oh! So you’re the famous Y/N,” he said with a grin that reminded you vaguely of your own father’s. It was similar in so many ways that it twisted at your heart. “Lin’s talked a lot about you.”
That threw you. It shouldn’t, you were aware. But it still was something that was new territory for you. You’d never been with anyone long enough to hit this point in a relationship. You had originally thought when the lights went down that it was too soon to meet his parents, but now you wondered if you were right on that. Two months had gone by – that wasn’t really that long but it was still longer than anything you’d ever really had. “Oh? All good things, I hope.”
“Nothing but,” Luis replied as he gestured to the woman next to him. “This is Luz, my wife.”
“Oh, hi,” you said and it was overwhelming. All you could think about was the arguments your parents had. “I’m sorry to cut this short, I have to go... to the bathroom.”
In the bathroom, it was like being sixteen again. You locked yourself in the handicap stall and sat on the floor of the bathroom with little care to the fact bathroom floors were usually dirty. You let emotions wash over you, the feeling over being overwhelmed and terrified by the unknown. The panic of everything flooding back, thinking about how easy it was for things to crumble apart. How things could be going good then knock you back to the ground.
It shouldn’t be this hard to be happy. You knew that much. And you wondered if it was just something fundamentally broken within you. It weighed hard enough on your heart so often that you wondered if you should be doing something about it. A change of scene hadn’t fixed it, no longer being broke didn’t fix that empty feeling in your chest, and this relationship certainly hadn’t changed it. You mused on the idea that perhaps this was a sign that you needed something more. You wanted some kind of proof that the adventure wasn’t the only reason you were here in New York City. You considered your happier points... when you were creating, when you had a new project to work on, when there was something new to do.
Perhaps that was key. Perhaps moving forward was the key. You made a sound resolve to read the next letter the minute you got home.
The thing, however, about that resolution is that was one of the easier one to forgets as the play drew to a close. You were already a mess, it only made sense that the ending left you a sobbing mess in your seat. It was everything that you’d been trying to feel for weeks coming unstuck. The quasi sadness feeling that you knew you had to feel at some point.
It was a funny thing when it came to emotions. Once you finally cried until you couldn’t cry anymore, wiping tears away in a vain attempt to save your eyeliner, it was like you were completely new again. There was nothing weighing down on the heart anymore that made it feel like you had a stone in your chest. And part of that might have been due to how it helped blaze away the transition from the theater to the after party. You’d spent so much of leaving the theater sobbing and the way over Pier Sixty that it had been so easy to lose track of time, to lose track of telling Lin how amazing you thought the musical was over blubbering sobs that were most definitely not in any way embarrassing.
And of course, as usual, it was easy to be blown away by Pier Sixty. New York City had a way of making small spaces seem massive and important. The way the lights glittered like stars that you’d never seen before in your life made it almost impossibly magical. You imagined this must be how Cinderella must have felt at her own ball – dazzled and easily impressed by what seemed to be second nature to the rest of the guests at the party.
Did Cinderella ever have an anxiety attack on the bathroom floor during the ball? Thought that she couldn’t do this because it just wasn’t her? Did the servant mindset creep into her head? Part of you half expected your dress to turn back to rags at the stroke of midnight. It was weird when it didn’t and even weirder to realize that the rumors were true: New York City partied longer and later than anywhere else. You thought you knew wild parties from the kinds you saw at your dorm room back at UCLA. This... was different. Classier but still insane.
You barely noticed your feet starting to get sore from the heels, the way your cheeks hurt from laughing so hard at the jokes the cast would make, and Lin pulled you into several dances. He was in good spirits and the most relaxed you’d seen him in weeks. “You know, you made me cry,” you said in the middle of the sixth dance that night.
“Before I respond, can I ask why I made you cry?”
You laughed as you glanced down, worried about stomping on his feet. “Well, that musical you wrote packed one hell of a punch. I swear, it’s like you want people to sob all over the theater.”
“That’s exactly what I want,” he says with a gleeful grin as he spins you around. “Tears sustain me, you know.”
“That’s so mean,” you exclaimed with a squeal as he dipped you, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I can’t believe you’re just feasting on tears like Edward Cullen.”
He paused, a confused look on his face. “Please tell me the Twilight vampire doesn’t actually drink tears.”
“Well, he doesn’t exactly – wait. You knew that reference?” Part of you was stunned – he didn’t seem like the type to care about Twilight.
“I was twenty five when Twilight was released. Of course I know that reference.”
And that reminded you of your freak out. He was twenty five when Twilight was released. You were 15 when Twilight was released... and heavily fucking with it, as much as you’d rather forget about that. It was easy to forget that he was almost ten years older than you but it hit hard right now. Ten years of difference was something that you didn’t want to think about right now. “Oh.” And you pulled your hand away. “I was fifteen.”
That clearly hit him too. “Right,” he said, awkwardly half reaching out to you before putting his hands in his pockets. “Not to make assumptions, but I’m guessing since you made the reference, you liked Twilight.”
And he had a sly grin on his face, almost mischievous. You figured that was a sign you shouldn’t answer honestly. “Absolutely not,” you said, the color in your cheeks betraying you. “I totally hated Twilight.”
“Aw, come on,” he said as he moved in closer, wrapping his arm around your waist and sending shivers down your spine. “You don’t have to lie.”
“Okay, fine. I had a minor crush on Edward Cullen, if only because I admire a man who is pretty and can play piano,” you said with a small grin, amazed at how quickly he managed to turn this around into banter. “And old. Can’t forget that part.”
He had a mock hurt look on his face. “Well that’s just rude,” he said as he swayed the two of you. “Pretty and play piano, fine, but old? Wasn’t Edward like... seventeen.”
“A hundred and ten, I believe,” you said with a tilt of your head. “Which, looking back, was weird. What does someone who’s lived through War World I want with a seventeen year old high school student?”
“Yeah, that is weird. If you lived through War World I, wouldn’t you want someone who was there for the Berlin Wall falling at least?”
“Well, looking back, Edward was a little bit of a creep.”
“No argument here,” he said with a grin. “Didn’t he want to kill Bella?
“Only in the beginning. After that, he decided that he loved her and got weirdly possessive and refused to let her hang out with other guys. Even yanked parts of her car out so she can’t go see other guys.”
“I’m guessing that there was no subway system in Forks.”
“Oh, obviously. No subway system so you just have to drive. Which is unfortunate, because I hate driving.”
“You’d hate driving even more here,” he said with a bright grin. “Traffic here is a nightmare.”
“Oh, indeed. I imagine that when the party ends, there’s gonna be an insane amount of traffic when we leave.”
“Did you want to leave together?”
And you flushed and shook your head. “I haven’t seen Pippa in weeks. I think... Pippa and I should head home together.”
If that wasn’t what he wanted to hear, his face betrayed nothing. Part of you had a brief little fantasy about what the things the two of you could do if you left this party with him. Whisper in his ear that you wanna go home with him, be taken to his apartment. Make small talk in his apartment, before he’d cup your cheek and press to you. And... your heart started to race as you realized what you were picturing and blushed slightly when he said, “Well, Pip is already starting to look a little tired.” It broke your concertation as you gazed into his dark eyes. “If you wanna head out with Pip, I’d go ask her if she wants to go home.”
And you nodded, your cheeks warm. “Oh, of course,” you said, trying to keep the shakiness out of your voice. “It was nice seeing you, by the way. We should... hang out again soon.”
It was weird when nights in New York City came to an end. The city still continued to stay awake, everything still moving. There was no point where the streets were clear of cars, even in neighborhoods. You remembered Los Angeles, the part you lived in. It was softer at night, serene. Here, it was constantly loud and bright. There was no reprieve from it. And when you and Pippa arrived back at the apartment, you knew you had to open the next envelope. Now that the musical was open, there was no other distractions. Not only that, you made a promise to yourself about it.
So you kicked off your shoes, pulling your hair out of its updo as you flipped over the envelope with a semi empty feeling in the pit of your stomach, the kind you thought had went away.
Honey bun,
A few of these letters have been tasks and others have been explanations of life and love. I know that sometimes I preface some of these tasks with a little bit of insight to your family that I know you're desperate to escape. Sometimes I talk about how life has been going for me. However, this is not a letter about our messed-up family or a reminder that we haven’t talked in years. This is a reminder that you're still on a trip to New York City and that New York City is the greatest city in the world with so much offer you in terms of experience.
I’ve been taking up a lot of your time in terms of experiences, trying to find the best way to experience the city when it’s your first time here. When you grew up in this city, it’s hard to remember that some people are seeing the magic of the city in a way you don’t. The only way I realized this was when I was reflecting on my visits to Los Angeles, where you grew up. You didn’t see it the same way I did – different, new, and exciting.
And when it comes down to it, there are things you absolutely must to do when you're in New York City. Go shopping on Fifth, see Lady Liberty, watch a play on Broadway, and go the Empire State building. That's what you're going to do. You're going to go to the Empire State building. I've bought you a ticket already which is for a premium experience, but in case you end up not making out within a year or decide you want a different package, there's also the cash equivalent of your ticket.
I feel like you can easily ignore this, chose to do something else touristy but I know you’re scared of heights. And there’s a difference between being in a plane and being up high. It’s the same difference between the thrill of the first falling in love and the feeling of steady love. Both are so similar but such different, distinct feelings that this is something you have to do.
I'd suggest taking a date in hopes that you are still seeing the guy you asked out ages ago, but if that isn’t the case then the Empire State building is beautiful to walk around solo as well. Whatever you end up doing, I hope you at least enjoy the day. When you’ve finished this, you can open envelope nine.
All my love, Aunt Jas
You weren’t surprised. It seemed like each letter thus far was something that reminded you of your fears, of your past, of things you wanted to avoid confronting. You felt that to be fair on aunt Jasmine, this was probably cheaper than therapy. Still, the fear of heights was twisting in your stomach and you wondered who would best be the one to accompany for this. You set the letter aside and did what you did best: you wrote.
The city seemed to inspire and draw something out of you. You hadn’t realized how much of a block you had until you got to New York City. Maybe it was the change of scenery, maybe it was the fact you were experiencing things you’d never experienced before in Los Angeles. You’d lived on the west coast your whole life. You’d expected to live your whole life there and yet… here you were. It was strange how it had caused everything to come unstuck in your head, gears turning rapidly that you’d never known were there before.
You thought the way anxiety and sadness mixed felt strange sometimes. You found yourself both hyperaware and unaware at the same time. Sometimes you wrote for hours on end, not sure of what you were writing or what the end game of the piece was. It was relaxing in its own way. At some point, you found yourself composing another email to Lissa. You don’t think you ever really decided to write to her, it just seemed to happen. Whenever one approaches crossroads, one turns to the person that knows them best – it was just the way of life. You didn’t know what to do, ergo Lissa was the one you wrote to.
Perhaps it was simply the fact that the musical had really started, but this week felt lonelier than usual. It was just the way the fact that everyone in your life was either too far away from your or busy. So you ended up wrapped up in the city, not sure what to do when you wanted to avoid the task at hand. There was a system to avoiding the task at hand, of course. It was finding everything else to do but the task, naturally. There was shopping to do where you picked out new outfits for the warm weather and plan for the upcoming fall weather. Fall weather didn’t exist in Los Angeles and you didn’t know what to expect so you wanted to be prepared.
That gave you something to focus on – researching and preparing for the upcoming weather change. It was no longer miserably hot and started to feel more like winter in Los Angeles. This meant it would only get colder and you were dreading that. You’d never really experienced winter before. Neither had Lissa. Unlike you, however, Lissa was excited and expressed some jealousy.
Y/N! I cannot BELIEVE that you’re dating LMM. Do you know how many girls would KILL to be you right now? Ugh, and your aunt is literally Jasmine Cephas Jones. I knew I was right to be jealous of you but your life? INSANE. And like, you get to experience an actual winter for once in our miserable lives. Have you told the cast about me? OMG I hope not! God, the horrible stories you could tell about me… don’t tell them ANYTHING.
Anyway, I don’t know why you’re bugging. Empire State Building, easy as fuck. I don’t know why you don’t just do it. It’s not like you’re jumping out of an airplane, ha ha ha. Anyway, write soon, bitch. Lemme know if you’re down for me to come visit. And don’t forget to tell me what it’s like at the top of the world!
Of course. Your brow furrowed as you read over the email. You couldn’t imagine anyone being jealous of you personally, but you could imagine people being jealous of Lin. You sighed deeply as you thought about what that meant for your own self esteem. Still, you wound up emailing her back with a reminder that it’s summer and you still haven’t seen snow and that she’s always allowed to come to visit if she’d like. Which of course, left one more thing to think about.
Who to take with you on this particular trip to the Empire State Building. You figured the obvious choice was Lin but you just felt awkward thinking about it. And at this point, you were certain that if you went out with Lin again, you were going to say something stupid. The reminders of the age difference two weeks ago certainly didn’t help with the wanting to hurry onto another date. On top of that, it was like every date was starting to be more and more precious. He was busy a lot so the most you got these days was a quick lunch with him.
The other person you saw even less of was Pippa. However, you knew that next week Pippa had a day off and going to the Empire State Building with Pippa sounded like a relatively nice day. So you made the choice easy. You had tea waiting for when Pippa got home from work that day at the table. “So, I opened the next letter.”
Pippa had a grin on her face as she picked up the mug of tea, taking a sip. “That’s the Empire State one, yeah?”
“Yup. Did you wanna go?”
And Pippa had a wide grin on her face. “Of course,” she said as she sat down. “Tickets are on you, right?” She paused before laughing. “Just kidding. I’ll, of course, pay for my own.”
Pippa’s day off rolled around after a week flew by of you exploring New York and writing up a storm. In your life, you’d never experienced so much peace and quiet. It was easy to accidentally spend a whole day alone in the apartment writing, not even thinking about the time. Not only that, Pippa had Hulu and Netflix and cable so you never had to worry about what was on. “So how long do you plan on staying,” Pippa asked in the line to the elevators.
“I dunno. I mean, this is the eighth envelope. And if things keep going the way they do, it seems like I might actually be staying for a bit longer,” you said with a shrug. “Did you want me to contribute to rent and bills next month? Cause I can start looking for jobs...”
“I won’t make you pay rent until you have a job but if you do plan on staying, it’d be nice to know.”
Pippa didn’t seem too fussed either way and you didn’t know what to say. You hadn’t really thought too much about what you planned to do after the envelopes. You originally thought of this as just a vacation and you had only sublet your apartment for six months. “I kind of... was thinking of selling my stuff back home... and staying. Cause I only sublet my place for six months but...”
“You like it here,” she finished for you. “I can’t blame you – New York is beautiful. And you’re living in a fairly nice apartment, which... your welcome.”
“So if I stay, would you prefer me to start looking for jobs? I mean, I have an English degree so I should be able to find a semi decent publishing job here. I dunno, I’d probably just find one starting at thirty thousand.”
“Don’t worry – jobs are tough out here. Everyone wants to live here, so it might take some time to find a job,” Pippa says with a shrug. Part of you wondered how she could be so casual about housing you for free for an indefinite about of time. That wasn’t something coded to you and you already felt guilty about the mere inconvenience it would be. “Though if you like, I can talk to some of the producers that worked on The Great Comet with me and see if they have any editing jobs for you, if you’d like.”
“I mean, I’d rather just help with bills now. I have the cash.”
And Pippa rolls her eyes. “Fine, you can take care of the cable, Hulu, and Netflix next month if you desperately want to help with bills. I’m not letting you help pay rent when I make enough to pay rent for the both of us.”
“Fine,” you said, dragging the fine out. “But when I get a job, I’m paying the full rent for the next three months.”
“I’m not gonna argue with you on that,” she said with a bubbly laughter that was infectious. That was the thing you liked the most about Pippa – when she laughed, you laughed. It was impossible not to. “Now that we’re in agreement about you staying for longer, then I guess there’s only one thing left to talk about.”
You sighed. “Do we have to have this discussion again?”
Pippa rolled her eyes as the two of you are ushered into an elevator with other people. All you could think about was that how people in this elevator might recognize Pippa but no one seemed to stir. It was a surreal experience to think about how Pippa was the lead in one of the biggest musicals in the world and yet no one stopped to stare intently or uncomfortably at her. “I mean, we don’t have to talk about your relationship. We could talk about this cute guy I saw and how I totally have a plan to get him to take me on a date.”
“Yeah,” you asked with a laugh, kind of amazed at how you could focus on how this was both normal and completely abnormal at the same time. That you already saw the online reactions from this musical and that it was a sensation around the world. And yet here you were, with one of the stars and it felt completely... normal. Maybe it would never feel totally normal hanging out with your friends on this cast ever again. “What’s his name?”
“Steven,” she said with a grin. “I met him at the premiere. He is so funny and smart and... oh my gosh, can I just admit I’ve had a giant crush on him since I first saw him in Rescue Me? He’s apparently been divorced for some time now and I totally think I have a shot!”
“Wait, like... Steven Pasquale the actor?” You paused and gasped. “He was the dude you were dancing with! Did you get his number?”
“Of course! We’ve been texting every day since we met too,” she gushed, lighting up. You recognized that look on her: it was definitely the same kind of look she got when you had the tea she liked ready. “Like, I just get so nervous thinking about it.” And then she got a sly look on her face. “Probably like how you feel when Lin texts you, huh?”
Dammit. She was good. She knew what information she wanted out of you and she wasn’t about to let you keep her from it. “I mean, I get a lot of butterflies in my stomach when it comes to him. And forget that I had all these ideas about how I wanted a serious relationship to go.... and like, I’m anxious a lot. But he makes me feel a little anxious. Like there isn’t as much pressure to live up to some crazy standard I have in my head of who I’m supposed to be.”
She looks surprised. “Who do you think you’re supposed to be?”
“I dunno. Like... I keep thinking of this tough publisher who picks out these incredibly awesome stories that I always needed to read as a kid, who doesn’t let love in and takes care of her shit or something like that. But I gotta admit... I’m kind of a romantic.”
It was something you never really admitted before. You kept trying to convince yourself that after seeing your parents fight so much that you’d never fall in love. That after every example of romance being a disaster, you never wanted to fall in love. But it was so easy to with Lin. “You can be a romantic and a badass publisher, you know. Women can contain multitudes.”
“I dunno. I always thought you had to be one or the other. Kinda like how I spent ages thinking the only options for sexuality were straight or gay but there’s more to it than that,” you said with a light sigh. “I just... I dunno. I. guess after two generations of my family having kids too young, I just wanted to avoid that pitfall.”
“You’re twenty five. Most people are starting to date seriously at our age, you know,” she said with a grin, in a stunning reminder that Pippa and you were the same age. “You don’t have to worry about the whole ‘having kids too young’ anymore. You’re a college educated woman who pays her own bills and has an apartment she sublets. At this point, you’re free and clear when it comes to that.”
“So if I was to think of this relationship as something that could be serious...”
“It’d be normal,” she replied, rather firmly. “But if you want this to be something serious, you’re going to have to talk to Lin about it, you know. It can’t be where only one person knows this could be something serious.”
The elevator doors swinging open and for a moment, you were blown away. You lost track of what you were going to say to Pippa when the view from the 86th floor hit you in the chest. All you could see was all of Manhattan outside the deck. It was easy to forget your fear of heights when the view so improbable. “I can’t believe this actually exists,” you breathed. “Let alone something I’m actually looking at.”
Pippa grins. “So I guess you aren’t even thinking about how you’re totally freaked by heights?”
You grin as you shake your head. “It doesn’t seem like I’m up high at all,” you admitted. “I just.... you know how I lived in Los Angeles, right?” After Pippa made an affirming noise, you continued. “I lived my whole life there. And it’s not like it is here. There, tall buildings aren’t really a thing. But here... it’s like every building is tall. Apartments tower up into the sky, work offices can be hundreds of floors up, even residential areas have tall buildings. And I’ve never seen anything like it. It doesn’t seem real at times.”
“So is there anything else that doesn’t seem real about New York?”
“You know, you’re like a dog with a damn bone,” you said, unable to be as harsh as you’d like to be. “But yeah. Like... this whole thing with Lin. It just doesn’t seem possible so much of the time. He’s like... this genius playwright and I’ve done... nothing of memorability.”
“You do know when he was your age, he was still working on his first musical with nothing to his name, right,” she said with a shrug. “You have to work for it. You just said you wanted to go into publishing. If you want to do something memorable, you have to start working for it.”
“So what you’re saying is...”
“If you’re going to stay in New York City, you need to start applying to publishing companies here in New York. Go out on interviews, make those connections. There’s so many ways to network here – you need to do it. If you feel insecure about Lin’s career and feeling like you don’t measure up, do something about it instead of whining about it.”
Pippa’s words might’ve been harsh but she was right. So when the two of you got back to the apartment, you instantly went to the laptop to start working on your resume. It wasn’t the world’s greatest, but you figured that at least it was worth starting work on finding something. In all honesty, you didn’t know what to expect when you started sending your resume off to all the entry level openings you could find.
Instead of focusing on what you couldn’t control, you decided to refocus on the inspiration that had already led to an insanely long first draft of a story. You figured that there are men out there with Oscar wins for stories that are more than obviously autobiographical – why not one from you. It was a pretty wild, unbelievable story anyway. Besides, there was always room for stories about an adventure.
“You’re always writing when I get home,” Pippa said to you almost a week after your trip to the Empire State Building, throwing her purse aside. “What have you been working on?”
You flushed because in all honesty, it was trying to work through the idea of having sex for the first time. What it would feel like. And in all honesty, you had a feeling it wouldn’t be as big of a deal as your head was making it out to be. It seemed like that was your number one thing at this point: blowing things up in your head only for them to not be that big of a deal later. And it was easier to see it in the city that was older than the country itself, that had history embedded in every corner and seemed so alive. It was enough to drive you crazy. “Uh, just been sort of... journaling but in a... writer’s way. Like, I like to filter stuff into fiction that way I can sort of distance myself from it, you know?”
Naturally, Pippa looked vaguely confused. No one you’d ever talked to ever got the whole idea of filtering reality into something manageable, that could be fun to read later. Something that you could possibly turn into something larger than yourself. “So... like journaling?”
“I suppose you could put it like that, yeah,” you said with a shrug. It was the easiest way to explain it, anyway. You had this idea built in your head of careers and passions in writing, all of them seemingly impossible and out of reach. Regardless, you pursued it anyway. “I was just thinking... about... what it’d be like to lose my virginity and so... you know. Writing it out seems to help keep me from freaking out too deeply about it.”
Phillipa had a smirk on her face. “If you’re thinking you’re ready for that, it might be a good idea to tell Lin that instead of me, though I appreciate the offer.”
And so, after Phillipa left to go to bed, it became apparent what you had to. You pulled out your phone and texted Lin, asking him when his next free day was to have another date.
