#14kmom

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I’m an orphan.

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I was sad I’d miss Halloween in my nabe -- it’s so fun to see 30th Av. turn into a parade of costumed kids -- but I just realized that, if the timing’s right, I’d be able to go trick-or-treating with BBF’s kids. Maybe I should see if 14KNiece wants to bring a costume with her? SN1 is only a year younger, they could probably have a nice time together that evening too. Honestly, I think I’d rather live a bit that night than sit shiva again (we’ll do three nights)... but of course the timing could be all wrong. I like thinking of plans though (my horrid anxiety of the past few days ebbed a *lot* once I was able to make a travel plan yesterday evening).

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Ughhhhh I need to make a to-do list. I hate them, because I can never cross out enough items, but I’m also way too flaky right now to remember shit. 

It was nice having a week where I could sort of let things go, but my mom stopped eating solid food yesterday, slept most of today, and isn’t with reality all that strongly anymore, so I’ve got to get ready to leave very soon. 

I’ve got to decide whether to go down to BGF’s in a day or so to be closer by, or just wait; I know it would be imperfect for her to have me just ‘cause general busyness, and I don’t really want to travel over two days, but then again maybe I’m not up to the whole trip in one day. I told my shrink I wouldn’t try to decide tonight, but it’s hard not to think about.

Okay. I’ll rest a little bit, then make a bunch of smoothies to freeze (that was a really good thing to come home to last time, plus I didn’t have to throw away any soymilk or yogurt!). Tomorrow I need to hit the pharmacy and do laundry. Those are the only physical chores that *have* to get taken care of, although there are plenty of other things I’d benefit from getting out of the way... I don’t have high hopes though. And I need to organize my work; my students are aware that I’m kind of all over the place now, but I didn’t email someone I thought I did, didn’t finish something I thought I had, still haven’t sent out bills, etc. -- stuff that would be easy to keep track of usually, and that I do want to keep a handle on.

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gotta love how my mom wants me to sacrifice who I am for her edification up to the very end. I may see about staying with BGF, in Maryland, so I’m closer by at the end, but there’s no point in trying to see my mom just so she can feel good about it regardless of the physical (moving every few days, car rides every day, etc.) and psychological (her just being mean to me and treating me like a threat) danger it would put me in. 

Once again, the eternal conflict between us, the conflict in needs -- our needs just don’t go well together, and she assumes that I will get over mine. That I would step aside and just cut things off is not something she’s ever been willing to acknowledge as healthy and self-protective.

It’s just baffling to me in some ways -- you’re gonna die in a week or so, and that’s supposed to override my attempting to keep myself alive? Which I have been doing *explicitly for your benefit* for decades? A ridiculously difficult task that I detest already? She loves me, but her ability to treat me with common consideration has always been conditional on her being right about everything.

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Oooh boy, drugs and a long talk with BBF and (finally) a meal later, I’m tempted to forward my sis’ email to bro-in-law and tell him that he gave a really good story on the ride home, but clearly my sis has no desire for reconciliation. She has no respect for me, and love without respect is pretty worthless.

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Yay, now I get to spend the day avoiding killing myself! Good work, 14KSis.

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Yup, still banned from staying with -- and therefore seeing -- my mom. I hope she enjoys dying without me there!

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When you’ve finally managed to music yourself into feeling good for a minute, don’t look at an email from your sister who is currently with your dying mother.