i'm realizing now that my parents did such a bad job raising us. a lot of things im experiencing now has to do with their bad parenting.
I can’t cry. Because my dad didn’t like it when we cried.
I can’t talk about my feelings. Because when we had a fight with my dad he just ignored us for a week until he decided he wasn’t mad anymore and we never talked about it again. When something went wrong he’d get mad about it. He would start yelling at us. Ignoring us. Now i’m too afraid to do anything new or out of my comfort zone because of that. Just afraid to fail again. To be shouted at again. To be ignored again.
He was never interested in anything we did. He never visited our school on those special nights when we could show out work. ‘Cause ‘when we had something to show we would show or tell it at home’. I bet he doesn’t even know what I studied for.
He was never there in the first place. After work he would be at the bar till 4 am. My mom always wondering when he would come home. He treated my mom so badly. When he was home he would sleep until he had to leave for work. I hated the summer vacation. My mom worked all morning and we did nothing. He slept. We kept quiet. When we would go to the beach, he slept. We could have drowned and he wouldn’t even have known.
I never told him anything. He felt left out but when I did talk about things he always knew better or things just didn’t exist. No wonder we didn’t tell him shit. When i came out the only thing he said was ‘i thought so’. Nothing more.
And he’s such a racist. He always told us ‘just don’t come home with someone ‘dark’. And even now im still afraid to fall in love with someone of color. Just because i know that she will not be accepted. Worst thing is that my brother is even worse. Gays, transgenders, people of color, no one is safe. Im so ashamed when he opens his mouth. Just bs what comes out of it. Always making fun of my exes too. Im so done with that shit.
I still wonder why my mom didn’t leave him when she had the chance. I would often ask her why she didn’t. And she replied ‘where would he go?’. I didn’t fucking care where he went. I just knew I would never have to see him again when he did. But she never left him.
When I was depressed and when I cut myself frequently all my mom did was get mad at me. She didn’t understand and she will never understand. She still checks for fresh cuts on my arms. Too bad there are other places I use now. And now I wont tell her anything. ‘Cause she wouldn’t understand. I wont kill myself but i don’t think i’ll ever be happy with myself.
My mom never stood up for us. She never told my dad he was wrong or he shouldn’t be so hard on us. She just let things happen. ‘He doesn’t mean it like that’. ‘Just give him a kiss goodnight’. I didn’t want to give him that kiss. Why would I when he ignored us for days? What parent ignores their child when they’re angry? I mean a couple of hours, sure. But a week? And even if he was just mad at my brother, he would ignore me too.
He was just so mad all the time. And thats all i feel too when something happens. Im just mad. Irritated or mad. And when im alone, then i feel something else. But I can’t cry. I can’t talk about it. And it’s all because of him.
I hated him then. I thought I didn’t anymore. But i think i still do.
