#18.08.15

[2tiedships2]

Columbus - 18.08.15

[2tiedships2]

Remember that time Liam scared the shit out of me when he jumped in front of my camera while I was so concentrated on Louis?  

Yeah me too.

[imvalramos]

18-20.08.15

LIFE IS LOOKING UP!

SOOOOOO, as I mentioned in my earlier entries, I presented Chemistry and Math extras (extemporary exams, a last chance to pass all your subjects), and I was actually really nervous cause I didn’t study AT ALL, I just procastinated for four months and the results were just uploaded to the prepa’s site.

I PASSED BOTH.

I didn’t expect that! I really, really thought I was gonna fail, but I didn’t!!! I’m an UNAM’S reular studen ai! I’m SOpROUDd!!! Seriously, this is the best news ever, I cant take nomal classes now, with the rest of my group and friends!!!

Sadly, this means I won’t be having any classes with my ex/best friend/crush casue she did not pass.

Today was my last day at high school as a minor, tomorrow, I’ll be 18. I’ll be legal!!! To drink, and smoke and... go to jail...

I’ll be legal on Saturday, and I’m watching Sleeping with Sirens at a bar/venue so It’ll be awesomeeee, and I’m actually having a birthday party on Friday (tomorrow) I’m SO EXCITED!!! and happy, and proud and all kinds of overwhelmed. 

I’m starting to enjoy my area’s classes and I don’t think they’re absolutely useless now, i feel so much better! And even though I haven’t been great at updating, I do think about posting every single day, I’ll get to it once I get more settled, but right now, I’ll just post whenever I can :) 

I treid changing my math teacher this evening, but my dean refused so I’m stuck with this bitchy one, she’s good, but I’m useless so I’ll probably end up doing extras again, as she said no one passed (?) her final. Sighs. 

I just realised I’m the worst at writing, my “plot”, structure, is all wrong, but hopefully, I’ll be accepted to take the CAE and will help me with my english skills.

As I’m throwing a party tomorrow, I don’t think I’ll be posting this weekend, there’ll be lots of stuff going on with concerts and museums and being at my friend’s, but I’ll try and post at least pics :)

Love, Val.

[dailyniall]

Columbus 18/8

[britishhusbands]

@daisy_alicia1D: Me and Louis yesterday ...excuse my face...p.s he laughed at me after because I said I loved his eyes 

[hstylespl]

_snapshawt_: For a boy band, they pretty much rocked Columbus' socks off

[hstylespl]

@ohsudie: here's the poster harry signed for my mom last night 💖

[nuns-n-bagels]

Ongoing Issues

Ok, meaningless void, so you ever feel like you just have to settle yourself down as an image or two and just keep it that way? Not because someone is telling you to (and in fact there’s a greater pressure to just let it happen, let it happen, it’ll come, let it happen, it’ll come like an unending mantra becoming nightmarish as getting stuck in the Small World ride and the dolls just keep going. The ride has been in disrepair for years and I still have no idea where its meant to go, why I’m strapped in the car, or why the dolls wont fucking shut up when I ask), but because it would just be easier to loo in the mirror and say “Yes, today I am the Terra who is all things butch, strong, and sarcastic” or “Looks like today I’m the Terra who is going to need help from xanax, chocolate, and an understanding world” or or or or OR

Or anything, really. Terra who is a bound down chest with ribcage open or Terra who is skirts and make up and sharp,dangerous femininity or Terra who cannot for the love of all things holy shut her mouth because Russian is just, like, really cool. Terra who knows what she is. Terra who knows what she wants. Terra who can look in the mirror and and recognize the face there as more than strange flesh contorting itself into its next ugly photograph because she doesn’t like it.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, void-- I’ve been holding onto the pack of cigs for about a month now. Personally I dont really like the smell of menthol, but drugs are not an option. I see mom every time I think of anything heavier than pot (which, ew) or xanax and how blank her eyes were that day in the hospital. How blank they were every time she would be on a new drug or off or the mix was bad or or or or

Or maybe that was off-track. Back to basics.

I’m giving up the thing with the hetero hair. It’s too heavy, too hot. Can’t do it anymore. I’m fixing the teeth thing, but we know that’s always going to be a source of wincing and ugly faces I use to distract the eye of the camera. But I’m always going to be unhappy with myself. I know it. I can feel it in my blood with a constantly circulating truth, that I am meant to be unhappy and in flux, that being happy with myself will never happen, will never come, let me out of the fucking ride and leave me be, you useless screaming dolls, because leaving myself for this stupid Small World to create is making me bitter and leaves me with nightmares of what Teresa did and I am more than that.

I have to be more than that.