#2+bees

[marigoldssheep]

I have captured this big guy, he brought his friends!

[thebmoviereview]

Dragonquest

Title: Dragonquest

Director: Mark Atkins

Writer: Brian Brinkman, Micho Rutare

Starring: Daniel Bonjour, Jennifer Dorogi, Marc Singer

Year released: 2009

Their synopsis: “A mythological beast is awakened and a young Keeper must summon his powers for battle.”

My synopsis: A young man goes on a journey. He meets a hot chick, grows as a person, and eventually makes a blue dragon come out of his chest. It’s fucking confusing.

Quick review: I must’ve said “Huh?” or “What?” about 217 times during the course of this movie.

Pros: Quick! Name something more awesome than a dragon! … Give up? A dragon that’s on fuckin’ fire!! Hellz yeah!!! Also, Katya. Delicious, delicious Katya...

Cons: The editing, for a start. Or maybe they ran out of money and had to stop shooting scenes. I don’t know what, but something had to have happened.

Biggest movie cliché: “For ages, harmony was upheld by an order of monks known as ‘The Brotherhood.’” And do I have to mention there’s a giant spider? You probably already guessed that.

Say a nice thing: The main character, Arkadi, is a voyeuristic pothead. He and I could be best pals.

Say a mean thing: I swear to god the film had a music bed the entire time. Fucking annoying.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: He didn’t bang the super hot chick in the lilac bubble bath. All of those things are great; nobody’s turning that down.

Smallest suspension of disbelief: The muggers are black guys.

Final review: Provided it’s interesting, people will watch a film past 90 minutes. I don’t think Mark Atkins knows this. He just kept smashing scenes together with no setup or context. Therefore, the movie was shorter, but inexplicable. It settled down some as it went on, mostly borrowing ideas from other films, notably Star Wars on numerous occasions.

Ranking:

2 bees

[thebmoviereview]

Final Encounter

Title: Final Encounter (Also known as: For the Cause)

Director: David Douglas, Tim Douglas

Writer: David Douglas, Christopher Salazar

Starring: Dean Cain, Justin Whalin, Jodi Bianca Wise

Year released: 2000

Their synopsis: “Two human colonies on a distant planet are locked in a brutal hundred-year war until a group of brave soldiers decides it’s time to end the fighting.”

My synopsis: Six people from one town cross some mountains to deliver some metallic object to some other town in the hope destroying it or something and ending some war.

Quick review: It was like a longer, more violent, and less cohesive version of a Dora the Explorer episode.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The communication system of touching, or not touching, seemingly any point on the side of one’s head. Also, that the one-liners were supposed to be funny.

Pros: The special effects were well done. Nonsensical and pointless, but well done.

Cons: You know what always helps a film? Zero explanation of anything that’s happening.

Biggest movie cliché: Name any war movie cliché and this film has it.

Say a nice thing: I didn’t die watching it.

Say a mean thing: I want Dean Cain to fall off a horse and break his neck.

Unnecessary spoiler: Sadly, there’s a happy ending.

Most relatable current event: The unrelenting and unwinnable War on Terror.

Final review: I don’t want to call it interesting and engaging, those terms are too strong, but it was almost both of those. If you can make it past the first 20 minutes, it becomes a semi-watchable film.

Ranking:

2 bees

[thebmoviereview]

War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave

Title: War of the Worlds 2: The Next Wave

Director: C. Thomas Howell

Writer: Eric Forsberg, David Michael Latt

Starring: C. Thomas Howell, Christopher Reid, Fred Griffith

Year released: 2008

Their synopsis: “When the aliens return to complete their plan of human domination, mankind unites in one last stand.”

My synopsis: Three years after a pretty enjoyable movie was made, some assholes decided to piss all over it.

Quick review: This movie would’ve benefitted from being a silent film, provided the actors knew what facial expressions were.

Pros: Space talk and synthetic moonshine.

Cons: Not sure they could’ve stolen more from Independence Day if they tried.

Biggest movie cliché: The wisecracking black sidekick, played ever so racistly bug-eyed by Christopher Reid. (The guy from Kid 'n Play. No, I'm not lying.)

Say a nice thing: I enjoyed the wormhole sequence.

Say a mean thing: I don’t know if Kim Little was doing some sort of accent, or if that was her actual voice, but either way I would like to scratch out her larynx with my fingernails.

How it relates to the original film: 1) A few plot points, especially regarding how the aliens were not prepared for human diseases. 2) In both movies you’re rooting for the children to die. 3) Questionable endings.

How it doesn’t relate to the original film: 1) The original film has worth.

Biggest suspension of disbelief: The movie seems to think Mars is in another galaxy, as opposed to our own solar system, relatively near Earth.

Most relatable current event: Curiosity, NASA’s Mars rover. (Yes, I know you forgot about it.)

Final review: Granted, it was a completely unnecessary movie to make, but if not for the maddeningly appalling performances given by Kim Little and Christopher Reid, I don’t think I would’ve hated it as much as I did. Had they camped it up a bit, it would’ve been a decent bad film.

Ranking:

2 bees

Research Note: Apparently, this is not a sequel to the Spielberg/Cruise version, but to another Asylum film called H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds, which also probably sucks. (I should watch it sometime.)